By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
When it comes to your marriage or intimate relationship, trust is sometimes taken for granted. If you or your partner has an affair, however, trust very quickly moves from ignored in the background to very prominent at the forefront. Marriages and intimate relationships are usually based on agreements we make with our partner. These often include staying faithful to one another, though what that means can vary. We trust that these agreements will be honored. Unfortunately, after an affair, trust that agreements will be kept is seriously weakened and can even feel destroyed.
If you are in a relationship in which one, or both, of you have been unfaithful, you may wonder if it is possible to regain trust. We’re here to tell you that if you choose to stay in your relationship, building healthy trust again IS possible.
Trust may be weakened to varying degrees. You might feel doubt that you are lovable?”particularly if you let your true self show. Especially if you and your partner are trying to come back together after an affair, fears that he or she is cheating on you may come up. However subtle or intense, any weakened or lacking trust will stand in the way of you having the close intimate relationship you want.
Consider this example??..
The sport of wall climbing involves a climber ascending a wall (which may be 50 ft. more or less high) held up by only a harness linked in with a rope which the climbing partner (belayer) is responsible for managing. It is up to the belayer to pay attention to whether the climber is moving up, ready to come down, or has popped off the wall (hands or feet slipped off the holds). An irresponsible belayer can mean discomfort and even danger for the climber.
At the same time, the climber must trust his or her belayer. If the climber cannot trust the belayer, the climber may become frozen and end up clinging to the wall holds afraid to move up or down. No fun at all! Climber and belayer must share a sense of trust that each will keep the climbing agreements they’ve made. If they work together, stay present, and communicate clearly the result will more likely be enjoyable for both.
People make mistakes when wall climbing, just as in relationships. Let’s say the belayer’s attention is momentarily distracted and at that moment, the rope becomes slack and the climber pops off the hold. Chances are the belayer will immediately re-focus and the climber will not fall far. But the jolt of the semi-fall may stick in the climber’s mind and affect trust.
In both of these cases, this wall climbing scenario and a couple trying to heal after an affair, regaining trust is key. Both relationships will not grow or flourish without trust.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “Relationship Trust” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn how you can rebuild trust by visiting http://www.RelationshipTrust.com
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This entry was posted by Susie and Otto Collins on Friday, December 14th, 2007 at 9:36 am and is filed under Infidelity Help. You may follow any responses to this entry through the RSS/XML feed. You may leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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March 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 am
My wife had an affair with someone, Ray. I caught her. She promised to break it off. I caught her again. We separated briefly and got back together again. One more time I’ve caught her and now we’re on the brink of divorce. She says that now she really does understand the dynamic and wants to work through her issue within the marriage. She seems genuinely remorseful, but has seemed genuinely remorseful the first two times as well. Am I just being silly even considering staying? Is it just out of fear of change or public reaction that is causing these doubts?
Thanks, Arthur
March 8th, 2008 at 5:41 am
My husband is the same Arthur. He has been having an affair for over a year now. I have known for 5 months. He tried to leave at one point but he was so upset by the children’s reaction. He couldn’t do it. He continued to see her. He still wanted to leave. I told him to go and make sure before he upset the children again. He went and came back saying it was wrong and he was going to stay with me. He loved me. I caught him cheating again. He left for a week again and came back. He said it was over. Yet again I caught him going behind my back. During this time we have in between his cheating had good times and he says he has fallen in love with me again. But guess where he is now. Yes with her – he has to spend time with her to finish it for good. Am i the craziest person alive. I am here waiting, eternally optimistic. I can’t talk to anyone about this as they will all hate him. So I grin and bear it. I believe the affair will end. I just hope I have the strength to deal with this agonising time in my life. Hope you’re ok Arthur.
Sally
March 16th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Hi, Sally,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound familiar. I keep hearing you say what he’s doing and what he’s feeling. I’m not hearing what you’re feeling. Do you love him? Or is it because of the kids?
I think I’m ready to leave. It’s not that she has started up again–as far as I know. It’s just that I think I’ve put up my guard so high I’m not prepared to take the chance any more. I have plans to move away for a year and see what happens. I’m tired of living in an emotional coma.
On a connected note–is your husband involved with someone who is married? Ray is. I have been wondering if the “right thing to do” is to let her know as well. I hope it’s not just a desire for revenge. Doesn’t she have a right to know?
April 1st, 2008 at 7:03 am
Hi Arthur
Thanks for your reply. I do still love him. I remember who he was before this happened. He was a decent man who I trusted and believed in. I suppose that makes it worse. I know we had a good marriage. Not perfect (is there such a thing). I know I didn’t want him back just for the kids. I most definately want him back for me. If we didn’t have children I would want him back. However, I think I would have given up the fight sooner.
He is now back after spending a month with her. We met up during this time and he came home a few nights here and there. To help me and to see the children. It was as if I was having the affair with him. We talked lots and he told me he wanted to come home but had to stay until he didn’t feel anything for her!!
He has been back a few days now. It’s not easy. We talk lots and are physically close but my head is in turmoil. Will he go again? How can I trust him? Why didn’t he love ME enough to give her up as soon as I found out? Why did this ever happen in the first place? How could he see my pain and carry on this affair? I know what you mean about putting your guard up. You have to protect yourself. I am willing to give this time. I think only time will tell. If he does go back again I will have to accept it’s over. I have given everything I can to saving us. I have no more to give.
The woman he was with is not married. I think she must be the most selfish type of person. What kind of a woman will break up a family. (I know he is more to blame) I’m not sure about telling the wife of Ray. I think I would be tempted. Partly for revenge but also because they deserve to know who they are really married to. I would not want to cause hurt to the innocent party though. We both know what that feels like.
Good luck – Sally
May 20th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
hi. I just read what happened to both of you. I know how it feel because my boyfriend once cheated on me. We are trying to rebuilt the trust again. I seriously think you should stop pretending you understand. Show them you can live without them. The reason why they can’t make their mind up is because they know you need them. As soon as they see a different look on your eyes then it will finally hit them. They will realize that this you really mean it. Sally, I once gave my boyfriend time to be with me and be with her. And it hurted me so much. I was happy when I’m with him but also Tories because I know when he’s not with me he’s with her. So one day I told him to leave me alone. Then after not seeing me, he called to tell I’m the one he love and that he broke it off with her. Please I know you guys love them but is it really worth it hurting yourself over and over. I really hope thins will work out for all of us.
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
This is so difficult to read as I went through this last year – the emotional roller coaster. I’m sorry for both of you.
May I recommend a Retrouvaille Retreat? That’s what helped us. We are doing so much better than it’s been for years, even before the affair. I am slowly gaining trust but it will take a LOT of time.
Good luck to you both. Consider the retreat — look it up online. It was a miracle for us.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:57 am
[...] two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in their marriage after infidelity and learning how to trust again He is author of “Break Free From The Affair.” Information on Dr. Huizenga’s book [...]
November 6th, 2008 at 10:17 am
[...] THAT ONE OF US HAD TO EXTEND A HAND I I CHOOSE TO DO SUCH. IT IS NOT QUITE THERE BUT I HAVE A VISION OF US BECOMING CLOSER IN TIME. I KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT BE A QUICK DEAL BUT I AM WILLING TO DO THE HARD WORK TO MAKE IT WORK FOR [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I felt sickened as I read about the grief the cheated spouses were enduring. The bottom line is how can you allow the same penis/vulva they shared with another person be in you? By doing this you are also having sex with the person they cheated on you with! The people who cheat, commit adultery and lie, are spiritually defiled and have woven their spirit with someone else. They have made themself violated by spiritual contamination in joining physically with a stranger, whom they honored above YOU and your children, they are in actuality expressing passive/aggresiveness of the extreme sort. They know how much anguish they are causing and some sick part of them feels you deserve it and some sick part of them feels immense satisfaction and power over your distress. They are showing hatred. They don’t tell it to your face, they show it by their actions.
December 15th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I chose to forgive my wife after I caught her cheating. The relationship between them is over. I know she has intimate IM chats and text messages with old friends, but no evidence of a physical relationship. I don’t think she understands that this hurts me more than is almost immaginable. I love her more than anything, but I don’t know how to confront her without showing that I broke her trust with my snooping. We have three very young children and un-Godly bills. Should I call it quits, or how should I confront her? I really do love her, but I know that trust goes both ways to build the relationship back. I am so hurt and confused I don’t know where to begin.
December 17th, 2008 at 10:57 am
My husband started an affair with a married woman. I caught him on the phone (a cell he purchased just for her) about a month after the affair began. He said he would end it. A week later I found another phone…he got angry and again said “it was already over”. A few more weeks pass….and lo and behold…another phone! After this, I was just shattered, didn’t know what to do. I finally got smart and picked up a digital recorder and put it in his truck…come to find out it was him wanting to continue the affair not her. Imagine my anguish. The next day he tells me that he is an open book and wants to fight for our marriage. It’s been 5 months and I have extreme mood swings…I’m actually just now finally not wanting to know everywhere he has been. He did apologize but said he isn’t going to feel bad about anything. Am I being crazy to stay here? I just don’t think I could ever deal with something like this again. I know this is all jumbled in writing but that’s how it is in my head. I did speak with the other woman and she assured me she was done…I could have told her husband but I figure why hurt anyone else. I know what I went through and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else. Does it ever go out of your mind….the wanting to know if he still thinks of her? I just want my mind back and be the strong person I was before.
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:22 am
I am so sorry for everyone’s pain. It makes mine feel so trivial. I have been on both sides of the fence. My first marriage ended because i was cheating. The whole progression of things was a nightmare. After he divorced me, I put myself in serious counseling and to this day continue to deal with the pain that i caused him. I remarried a year ago on the 29th. I have sworn not to make the same mistakes I made in my first marriage. However, on a hunch, I went snooping in my husbands email and found very intimate emails to three other women. The emails had been going on the entire time we’ve been married, and even while we were engaged. I was crushed. I thought things were going so well. He still maintains that he has never been happier. He doesn’t know why he did it (he says nothing physical ever happened- it was all just fantasy.) I told him he’d better figure out why or he’d make the same mistake again. He is in counseling and we are about to start couples therapy. It still kills me. I’ve known for about 2 months. I don’t believe in a punishing God, but I have to wonder if this isn’t some sort of bad karma…What hurts most is the intimacy he had with one of the women. I almost would have rather him go out and have a one-night stand than to see him expose himself emotionally to another woman like that. She is an old friend of his from college, and is married. When I found the emails, I forwarded one to her and asked her what she was doing with my husband. I also asked her how her husband felt about it. Not surprisingly, I haven’t gotten a response…
December 30th, 2008 at 1:17 am
I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR WHAT EACH QND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS GOING THROUGH. THOUGH THE CHEATING MAY HAVE STOPPED I CAN COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND AND EMPATHIZE WITH THE FEELINGS ON THE INSIDE THAT MORE THAN LIKELY STILL EXIST. AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH, GOOD LOOKING, SMART, SEXUAL, OPEN…YOU COULD THINK ALL THIS UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME…REALITY IS A RELATIONSHIP IS TWO PEOPLE, NOT JUST ONE. IN A MARRIAGE, VOWS ARE EXCHANGED, IN A RELATIONSHIP PROMISES AND WHAT IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM BOTH IS LAID OUT ON THE TABLE. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE WILL HOLD OR HOW ANOTHER PERSONS WANTS OR NEEDS WILL CHANGE IN THE FUTURE. ALL WE HAVE TO GO OFF OF IS FAITH AND HOPE. PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELVES AND DONT FEEL LIKE YOU DESERVE IT OR YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. IVE BEEN THE OTHER WOMAN AND IVE BEEN THE WIFE. WHEN FEELINGS GET INVOLVED AND A CLOSENESS IS DEVELOPED IT CAN BE HARD TO LET GO ON BOTH SIDES. BUT PLEASE REMEMBER ONE THING…YOU ARE HERE TO LOVE AND BE LOVED. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM DO YOU HAVE TO SUBJECT YOURSELVES TO SUFFERING HURT AND PAIN. THE HARDEST THING TO DO SOMETIMES IS START OVER. YOU DONT PHYSICALLY START OVER FIRST. YOU HAVE TO MENTALLY REGAIN WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT IT IS YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS. THE BEST PLACE TO START IS WITH WRITING DOWN ALL YOUR GREAT QUALITIES AND READ IT TO YOURSELF EVERYDAY…I AM GREAT…I AM WORTH MORE…I DO DESERVE TO BE LOVED
…I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE RESPECT, HONOR, LOYALTY. REMIND YOURSELF OF THIS EVERYDAY AND THEN START WRITING HOW YOUR PERFECT LIFE WOULD BE. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. WRITE IN DETAIL WHAT IT IS THAT U WANT AND READ IT AND ADD TO IT AS MUCH AS YOUD LIKE. DO NOT LEAVE IT UP TO ANY ONE ELSE TO DETERMINE YOUR WORTH. I AM TELLING YOU WITH 100% OF MY HEART AND FAITH THAT YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GREAT. YOU ARE GREAT. I READ A REALLY GREAT BOOK BY GARY ZUKAV CALLED “THE SEAT OF THE SOUL. PLEASE PICK IT UP. FOR MORE ADVICE OR SELF HELP PLEASE VISIT MY EMAIL AND LEAVE A MESSAGE. I WILL ASK FOR PEACE, DIRECTION, NEW HOPE AND ENDLESS OPPURTUNITY FOR U ALL.
SINCERELY,
TRUTH
NINASHEPHERD@YAHOO.COM
January 28th, 2009 at 10:41 am
It takes years to build a relationship up again after an affair.
As you say, it’s like a mountain climber with a rope. Once the rope has been dropped even for a second, it’s maybe better to find someone else to hold the rope the next time.
The next rope-holder may be no better than the first, making it more impossible to even want to try climbing the mountain again.
Trust has to be proven in all walks of life. A good post!
April 16th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I’ve only been married 3years. My husband and I were classmates from high school but we never dated back then. We got reconnected again after over a decade and started our relationship long distance. Less than 6 months, we got married.
Should have been fate and destiny right? Well, all this time, my husband continues to have a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. I found out about the real truth behind his recent trip abroad. He lied about his travel itinerary. He traveled abroad with the ex-girlfriend by booking a suite room and a show package in a casino resort. My husband’s reasoning was that he had unfinished business to settle with his ex-girlfriend.
What should I do? He said he felt empty and realizes that he is dependent on me now. He loves me. I told him that he is sorry since I caught him. Otherwise, when will I know that he is confused about our marriage? Would I ever know about his confused feelings towards me?
I don’t know if I should believe him. He lied to me so many times. I’ve felt the superficial love and affection he has given me throughout the short 3years of marriage and that is the saddest part of my life. I know I deserve better but at the same time, my husband also deserves a second chance. I am torn apart on whether to follow my heart or my wise mind.
May 20th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Sorry to hear that, I just went through same thing but worse. cheated by husband lied to me moved out on me and my 3 children, over a girl who is 20′s was married and have 3 children. he is 43. he was coming back and forth don’t know what to do.
we ended up getting divorce and he is still with her. she got divorced with her husband also.
I believe when you lose trust once you will never gain it back. and he did it once and will do it again. like old saying once your cheater you always will be one.
good luck to you.
August 24th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
i can feel the pain in all these responses here..its not easy to regain trust (and i even think that it is impossible) after the affair. I always thought that our marriage is ideal, that we are both happy and that we are looking forward to our old years together. We can say that we are successfull in our chosen fields and our friends admired us.
And then one day, i just discovered that he is having an emotional affair…and worst with an officemate and his staff. He said nothing ever happened, that it was just a plain exchanges for text and that they are just talking about anything and everything under the sun. He even told me that somehow – its because of me that he started doing it…because i don’t show how much is really means to me..that he’s been asking himself if i really love and care for me. You will wonder why would make him think that way…well its because i sometimes got mad at him for coming home late, or for not picking up the trash or for being late in appointment..a lot of things that we usually deal with each other. I thought that just the way it is for husband and wife. I gave it a thought, and i was like..oh yeah..i’ve been bad…i should have not done that..and the pain hits me and i will be awaken with tears in my eyes and question myself if that is enough reason to wanting another person’s company. How could i explained the 1,640mins of talk time that i saw on his phone bill record. I called the girl and she said that it was nothing but text’s and calls…but who will believed that. I even told her that her husband will not even believed it.
I don’t know what to do right now. I’m torn between hating and loving him..of leaving or staying for him. He begged and he always assures me of his love..but should i believe him? I don’t know. I told him i want to leave, but he said he will follow me and try to win me back. We have a wonderful daughter and she’s really smart…and she loves her father so much. He’s good man and quiet man….what should i do.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Hi I just read your comment, and I have to say you have taken the words right out my head. Many months now I have been fighting so many feelings, emotions of what I went through…sometimes I only wish my husband can fully understand how shattered I am for all the lies and neglect I went through for many months and at the same time I had a newborn and a child 11 months. We have worked things out, but now when he goes out I cant handle it…and its cause I am forcing myself to trust him. I wish he knew how much he hurt me, and if he truly loves me and wants me to get over it,he must stop arranging coffees with her and talking to her even if it means he has to loose a group of friends. Is it his wife that’s more important and helping her get over what happened or his old work mates. Doesn’t he want to see me happy?, And doesn’t he want to do all he can to make sure our marriage works out and we get to see our children grow up together.
Oh I didn’t mention that he was falling for another girl…and to me that’s the same feeling as being cheated on cause he wanted another women, he told me that nothing happened…but I am trying to believe this…either way I take his word for it. He spent alot of time with her and shared all his feelings and problems with her. The phone calls the text was all too many..at times I know it still goes on…but if it is I guess eventually I will find out and maybe there wouldn’t be anymore chances for us or our family to continue on as one.
All I ever lived for was to make my family happy, and if I see my husband upset I don’t worry about anyone I would just want to make sure he is happy and I would sacrifice anything for this..this is what a true marriage is.
Its all so hard, the funny thing was he made it out that I was part of the problem saying he talks to her about me. He wants me to have my own social life and go out just like he does. you know what he doesn’t understand I don’t need anything I was happy with my family and didn’t need anything else. I grew up a simple family life, my parents were strict, when I meet my husband he knew what a simple person I was…I never tried to change him, I excepted him for how he was, his friends and his family.
yes we are 2 different people who lived 2 different social lives…but I guess I was what he needed to put his life straight and I needed him to give me what I was missing out on. Now he is saying I need to go out etc etc…and he cant be my everything. But I love him so much and it hurts just remembering when he told me this and how can I change how I feel for him when I love him so much.
I never stopped him from going out but he betrayed my trust, and now I am trying find ways to learn to trust him again. I have read many places that once your heart is shattered it can take many years to find trust again, is this true.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I just read all your post and thank you for sharing.
I have left and divorced my husband of 11 years whom I was totally in love with. He had an affair for 7 months and never missed a beat with me, he seemed to really love me. Take it from me who tried and tried after finding out to still make it work, you cant!!! You lose the ability to ever look them in the eyes and share yourself with them. I cant and will never believe for a second if someone truly loves you they can do that to you. Once you have been betrayed at that level honestly there is no going back.
Yes, you hear of stories that people can survive and rebuild after the affair. Im sorry to tell you this but those people who say that are lying to themselfs and you. What happens is a big chunk of your heart dies and you never truly trust again, you always have doubt in the back of your mind. It NEVER leaves, I wish it could of but cant. You trusted your spouse with your life and they didnt care enough not to hurt you and if they can do it once they will do it again. I know many women who are with their cheating spouses 10, 15, and 20 years later and when I left mine they confided they still dont trust, one even said it was like eating a shit sandwich each and every day. Please dont fool yourself, if they value so little to do it in the first place why would you not value yourself to get out and find someone who will love you. I have and life still is hard cause I dont trust my new husband, I try but Im scared. But atleast I can look him in the eye and together we will build trust in our relationship. So If I can hardly now trust someone who has never cheated on me, how the heck are you to trust somone who has?
August 15th, 2010 at 8:50 am
as im reading all the problems they incounter.same as my old story of being cheated by my husband.not once but so many times 5 times more.then now same as others story.its hard to rebuild my trust again to my husband,,i felt like my whole world ruined my life by my husband deeds for many times…