By Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
When it comes to your marriage or intimate relationship, trust is sometimes taken for granted. If you or your partner has an affair, however, trust very quickly moves from ignored in the background to very prominent at the forefront. Marriages and intimate relationships are usually based on agreements we make with our partner. These often include staying faithful to one another, though what that means can vary. We trust that these agreements will be honored. Unfortunately, after an affair, trust that agreements will be kept is seriously weakened and can even feel destroyed.
If you are in a relationship in which one, or both, of you have been unfaithful, you may wonder if it is possible to regain trust. We’re here to tell you that if you choose to stay in your relationship, building healthy trust again IS possible.
Trust may be weakened to varying degrees. You might feel doubt that you are lovable?”particularly if you let your true self show. Especially if you and your partner are trying to come back together after an affair, fears that he or she is cheating on you may come up. However subtle or intense, any weakened or lacking trust will stand in the way of you having the close intimate relationship you want.
Consider this example??..
The sport of wall climbing involves a climber ascending a wall (which may be 50 ft. more or less high) held up by only a harness linked in with a rope which the climbing partner (belayer) is responsible for managing. It is up to the belayer to pay attention to whether the climber is moving up, ready to come down, or has popped off the wall (hands or feet slipped off the holds). An irresponsible belayer can mean discomfort and even danger for the climber.
At the same time, the climber must trust his or her belayer. If the climber cannot trust the belayer, the climber may become frozen and end up clinging to the wall holds afraid to move up or down. No fun at all! Climber and belayer must share a sense of trust that each will keep the climbing agreements they’ve made. If they work together, stay present, and communicate clearly the result will more likely be enjoyable for both.
People make mistakes when wall climbing, just as in relationships. Let’s say the belayer’s attention is momentarily distracted and at that moment, the rope becomes slack and the climber pops off the hold. Chances are the belayer will immediately re-focus and the climber will not fall far. But the jolt of the semi-fall may stick in the climber’s mind and affect trust.
In both of these cases, this wall climbing scenario and a couple trying to heal after an affair, regaining trust is key. Both relationships will not grow or flourish without trust.
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Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors of “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “Relationship Trust” and “No More Jealousy” are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want. Learn how you can rebuild trust by visiting http://www.RelationshipTrust.com
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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
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March 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 am
My wife had an affair with someone, Ray. I caught her. She promised to break it off. I caught her again. We separated briefly and got back together again. One more time I’ve caught her and now we’re on the brink of divorce. She says that now she really does understand the dynamic and wants to work through her issue within the marriage. She seems genuinely remorseful, but has seemed genuinely remorseful the first two times as well. Am I just being silly even considering staying? Is it just out of fear of change or public reaction that is causing these doubts?
Thanks, Arthur
March 8th, 2008 at 5:41 am
My husband is the same Arthur. He has been having an affair for over a year now. I have known for 5 months. He tried to leave at one point but he was so upset by the children’s reaction. He couldn’t do it. He continued to see her. He still wanted to leave. I told him to go and make sure before he upset the children again. He went and came back saying it was wrong and he was going to stay with me. He loved me. I caught him cheating again. He left for a week again and came back. He said it was over. Yet again I caught him going behind my back. During this time we have in between his cheating had good times and he says he has fallen in love with me again. But guess where he is now. Yes with her - he has to spend time with her to finish it for good. Am i the craziest person alive. I am here waiting, eternally optimistic. I can’t talk to anyone about this as they will all hate him. So I grin and bear it. I believe the affair will end. I just hope I have the strength to deal with this agonising time in my life. Hope you’re ok Arthur.
Sally
March 16th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Hi, Sally,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It does sound familiar. I keep hearing you say what he’s doing and what he’s feeling. I’m not hearing what you’re feeling. Do you love him? Or is it because of the kids?
I think I’m ready to leave. It’s not that she has started up again–as far as I know. It’s just that I think I’ve put up my guard so high I’m not prepared to take the chance any more. I have plans to move away for a year and see what happens. I’m tired of living in an emotional coma.
On a connected note–is your husband involved with someone who is married? Ray is. I have been wondering if the “right thing to do” is to let her know as well. I hope it’s not just a desire for revenge. Doesn’t she have a right to know?
April 1st, 2008 at 7:03 am
Hi Arthur
Thanks for your reply. I do still love him. I remember who he was before this happened. He was a decent man who I trusted and believed in. I suppose that makes it worse. I know we had a good marriage. Not perfect (is there such a thing). I know I didn’t want him back just for the kids. I most definately want him back for me. If we didn’t have children I would want him back. However, I think I would have given up the fight sooner.
He is now back after spending a month with her. We met up during this time and he came home a few nights here and there. To help me and to see the children. It was as if I was having the affair with him. We talked lots and he told me he wanted to come home but had to stay until he didn’t feel anything for her!!
He has been back a few days now. It’s not easy. We talk lots and are physically close but my head is in turmoil. Will he go again? How can I trust him? Why didn’t he love ME enough to give her up as soon as I found out? Why did this ever happen in the first place? How could he see my pain and carry on this affair? I know what you mean about putting your guard up. You have to protect yourself. I am willing to give this time. I think only time will tell. If he does go back again I will have to accept it’s over. I have given everything I can to saving us. I have no more to give.
The woman he was with is not married. I think she must be the most selfish type of person. What kind of a woman will break up a family. (I know he is more to blame) I’m not sure about telling the wife of Ray. I think I would be tempted. Partly for revenge but also because they deserve to know who they are really married to. I would not want to cause hurt to the innocent party though. We both know what that feels like.
Good luck - Sally
May 20th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
hi. I just read what happened to both of you. I know how it feel because my boyfriend once cheated on me. We are trying to rebuilt the trust again. I seriously think you should stop pretending you understand. Show them you can live without them. The reason why they can’t make their mind up is because they know you need them. As soon as they see a different look on your eyes then it will finally hit them. They will realize that this you really mean it. Sally, I once gave my boyfriend time to be with me and be with her. And it hurted me so much. I was happy when I’m with him but also Tories because I know when he’s not with me he’s with her. So one day I told him to leave me alone. Then after not seeing me, he called to tell I’m the one he love and that he broke it off with her. Please I know you guys love them but is it really worth it hurting yourself over and over. I really hope thins will work out for all of us.
May 22nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
This is so difficult to read as I went through this last year - the emotional roller coaster. I’m sorry for both of you.
May I recommend a Retrouvaille Retreat? That’s what helped us. We are doing so much better than it’s been for years, even before the affair. I am slowly gaining trust but it will take a LOT of time.
Good luck to you both. Consider the retreat — look it up online. It was a miracle for us.
November 1st, 2008 at 10:57 am
[...] two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in their marriage after infidelity and learning how to trust again He is author of “Break Free From The Affair.” Information on Dr. Huizenga’s book [...]
November 6th, 2008 at 10:17 am
[...] THAT ONE OF US HAD TO EXTEND A HAND I I CHOOSE TO DO SUCH. IT IS NOT QUITE THERE BUT I HAVE A VISION OF US BECOMING CLOSER IN TIME. I KNOW THAT IT WILL NOT BE A QUICK DEAL BUT I AM WILLING TO DO THE HARD WORK TO MAKE IT WORK FOR [...]
November 7th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I felt sickened as I read about the grief the cheated spouses were enduring. The bottom line is how can you allow the same penis/vulva they shared with another person be in you? By doing this you are also having sex with the person they cheated on you with! The people who cheat, commit adultery and lie, are spiritually defiled and have woven their spirit with someone else. They have made themself violated by spiritual contamination in joining physically with a stranger, whom they honored above YOU and your children, they are in actuality expressing passive/aggresiveness of the extreme sort. They know how much anguish they are causing and some sick part of them feels you deserve it and some sick part of them feels immense satisfaction and power over your distress. They are showing hatred. They don’t tell it to your face, they show it by their actions.