Comments on: The KEY Question You Ask and MUST have Answered even though you probably don’t know you are asking it. Part II.

By: kerri

kerri — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 19:34:43 +0000

I’ve been married for 13 years with two young daughters. I recently saw changes in my husband’s behavior. He started going out more after work, constantly texting on his cell phone. When his cell would ring he would jump to get it. He kept telling me it was a co-worker and it had to do with work. I questioned him about cheating, but he denied it. I needed answers and hard proof that my gut feelings were true and I wasn’t making it up. I ended up hiring AllState Investigations, which is a private detective agency. Well, to make a long story short, they caught him with another woman in a romantic relationship. Now I have pictures, video and a detailed report of everything that happened. To see his face drop was PRICELESS!!! It was such a good feeling to have physical evidence in my hands that he could NOT deny. Check out their website http://www.94truth.com

By: kbui

kbui — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 03:17:27 +0000

I bought my tracking gps at http://www.gpsspousetracking.com
Theirs didn’t have any monthly fees and it just plugs into my usb port to retrieve information on where the vehicle traveled, stopped, for how long. etc.

Best regards and good luck,

jay

By: Jar-jar

Jar-jar — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 06:12:55 +0000

Hi from Europe. My wife had an affair ten years ago and I was in the same jam as the most of you now. I was living in a horror movie for a few months. Also, did almost all the things from the ?no to do? list. Felt scared, helpless, angry, jealous, confused, betrayed.. all at the same time. I am pretty strong person and could put a lot of pressure on her, so it ended.
Later I realized a few things: 1. What she does has nothing to do with me. It’s her life, her choices and decisions.
2. The only thing I can do is get into control of my life, which btw. has nothing with her but some parallelism in time

Last week I got her in a lie (small stupidity) and the alarm light turned on. Old emotional pattern, I hoped was behind me, appeared again. I started to search different web sites for the answers. Thx to dr. Bob I have found this blog and here it is, both, my question and the answer:
q: Wtf am I doing to my self?
a: F her!

By: JLo

JLo — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 04:16:51 +0000

Oh yeah - forgot to post the million dollar question. I believe that it goes something like this: How can I move through this and find out the following:
- What my part in it was?
- What past experiences and unresolved issues brought me here?
- What I need to do to heal and change so this will never happen again with either the person that had the affair or another person that I choose to have a relationship with?

So ultimately - What was my part in it so I can resolve that for me and find a deeper more intimate relationship in the future?

By: JLo

JLo — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 04:09:17 +0000

Bob is right Sue - if he loves you deeply as you say, he should end it. He is being highly unfair to you and your feelings and incredibly selfish. He needs to end it in a way that shows you that he loves you. Please take care of yourself in this. You deserve far more than a mere piece of someone.

What I want for me is for someone that I can be honest with and don’t have to hide my feelings from and someone to be honest with me. I don’t think that is too much to ask, but for some reason we all think that we don’t deserve it or it is unrealistic, which is sad!

By: Bob Docherty

Bob Docherty — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:13:27 +0000

Sue,

I apologise, I think I may have been a wee bit harsh on you, I’m a Scotsman you see. All brawn and no brains.

I think the Question should be: Who has the power?

My wife is powerless. She is powerless to her own emotions, because her emotions dictate her actions. But she probably doesn’t realise it. This is a fact. But I am now the one in control and with all the power. I will now dictate future events between us as I see fit. Not like a control freak, but from within me. I will treat my wife with total indifference but still be happy. How? By empowering myself. The creation of power is in my thoughts. Negative thoughts breed negative actions hence, negative results…right? So what should we do? Maybe create some positive thoughts. They in turn may kick start positive actions hence delivering positive results…I suppose it’s a bit like charging neutral. I really felt powerful when I did that. It felt really good to suppress my fear and anxiety, and replace it with a calm, soothing, well constructed conversation. I felt in control. I was almost tempted to ask her to lie on the couch and tell me all her problems (Sorry Bob)

So, I have suddenly realised that my wife is currently powerless to her own emotions (for which I have sincere empathy) I also realise she won’t want to hurt the OP when she leaves him. So I may need to wait until the time is right for her too. But now I have all the strength and I have all the power. I had her in the palm of my hand all along and I didn’t even know it. As you quite rightly indicate, time is the only killer, but we must be patient.

But, when she decides to come back (and she will) I won’t start crying and welcome her back with open arms. No. I’ll calmly tell her I need time to think about it, and I’ll take my own sweet time about it too. How do I know she’ll come back? Power is a massive attraction…..you see? Maybe this is the answer.

Happy empowering. You’ll get there, I’m sure.

Bob

By: Bob Docherty

Bob Docherty — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 16:55:19 +0000

I’m sorry Sue but I think you are just deluding yourself. He needs to end it - immediately - without question; absolutely, and he needs to prove it and be transparent!!!….I’m sorry if this hurts you….but you are being far too soft. Even if you are communicating better, surely you also have a current life to live. I’ve read with interest your story so far, and you seem to be “hanging in” there when you should be “hanging out” there. How long do you think this will go on…until he gets fed up with her? When will that be?

Bob’s right, keep your feelings to yourself and be supremely unemotional in front of him. Let him guess what you’re doing…be mysterious and elusive. You are mysterious aren’t you???

My pain is now my gain. I am so confident and looking forward to some cracking good years ahead…can you say the same right now?

Bob.

By: Sue

Sue — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 03:25:23 +0000

Seems that people are still responding to this blog. I haven’t checked in in almost 2 months. Things continue to improve for me. I’ve found my way for myself and my husband has continued to find his. We communicate better than ever and know we love each other deeply. He is still living with the op, but that is coming to an end. I am allowing the time for it to end on its own terms……that is the only way we can move on. I believe that if I force it I will pay for it later. An ending I need to live through before jumping to the next step.

Bob, part of my healing was in saying how I felt without regard for how he would react. You say you ‘would never tell her’. It seems to me that maybe you should…..but without expectations. Move on for you. If you continue to hold your feelings to such a controled level they will kill you in the end. I am quite sure you deserve better than that……everyone does.

My story seems to be what we hope for in the end, but I have to say that it isn’t over and the part that makes the most sense is whatever involves us living for ourselves and using our true ‘voice’. It is incredibly difficult. I’ve layered that with expectations coming from prior interactions and hurt. But when I let go of that…moment by moment mind you……thing did not always turn out as I had thought…..and mostly for the better. The shift to me has been the key for me. If we hadn’t rebuilt our relationship the way it is happening I would still be so much happier for me and the kids would be OK just because they are living with a mom who is no longer fighting to control life and who gives herself the respect she deserves.

End line is that we all need to take the time to cry, scream, and yell…..go through the pain. By ourselves. And treat ourselves with tender loving care. We deserve it.

By: Bob Docherty

Bob Docherty — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 14:00:10 +0000

In the 1 year and 3 months since my wife began her affair, two of my sisters-in-law and a close friend have died, I have had an eye operation, and I am currently losing my best friend to cancer. I’ve been to hell and back. Through all of this my wife has shown me and my family very little regard. She has given up all responsibility for the children and is this 41 year old “teenager”.

Her and these events apart, on further scrutiny of myself, our marriage and my future happiness, I suppose I want to ask the question…Is she really worth it? The answer is a resounding yes. Because I do love my wife (although I never tell her this)

It took two to make our marriage and two to divorce from it. So firstly I needed to address my gambling problem. I have done this and feel brilliant about myself, as it was a seriously difficult thing to do, not only to change but to admit to myself and others that I was an addict.

With regards to the situation I now find myself in, I feel I need to treat her with total (happy) indifference. I need to show her that I am strong and not dependent on her (unlike her lover) I need to be in my “conscious” state and unemotional when I see her during access.

I have very recently signed up to a dating agency and hope to find someone soon that I can share my life with, because this I believe this is the level of indifference I need to achieve.

I apologise for waffling on like this but it’s good to open up with one’s thoughts sometimes.

All the very best to all of you in your quest for happiness; I think I can find mine.

Thanks Bob and also to a lady called Katie Zaltman for Chapter 16 of her book. Both of you have been an invaluable source of information and, although you probably don’t know or realise it, you both are living angels here on Earth

By: Bob Docherty

Bob Docherty — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:26:39 +0000

I’m divorcing my wife at her bequest (quicker) My wife is a beautiful person, she was a caring, highly intelligent, affectionate (although gullible at times)individual. She is currently having a two-days a week (always Tuesdays and Fridays) affair with her lover from the ex-marital home which is now sold, and has been having this part-time affair, regardless of the children, for over a year now. But the two days a week thing baffles me. She won’t move in with him (financially the better option) although he has begged her to. She has now decided to move into a flat in the same area as me and the three children (she say’s to be close to the kids)I have been using Dr Bob’s “Falling out of Love and Falling in Love” - coupled with “I can’t say no” formula. I keep my distance and do my own thing. When we meet during access I am pleasant and helpful. I don’t argue and leave her to her own devices. I charge neutral and use the “catch phrases” which do make her think. But she seems to answer them nonchalantly. Nothing seems to phase her. Our Decree Nisi is due around August 1st. I know she is riddled with guilt as she won’t visit her own family who are deeply religious. I am totally lost here. I’ve told her I will never ask her to come back. Was this wrong?

What is the question? Who is in control here?
What is the answer? Difficult to say, but her I expect.

What now Dr. Bob???