Comments on: The KEY Question You Ask and MUST have Answered even though you probably don’t know you are asking it

By: james

james — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 05:29:41 +0000

my wife left me one night we started to see each others was getting on ok she started to go off on a weekend no one now where no one could get in touch with her on the 4 time she came back she send she didn’t won’t to have a relationship ship but still see me as she sed she could not see he self growing old with out me found out where she was going she was going to a friend of ours he is 60 has problems in the bed room has to take piles he is a diabetic had hart attack she has not spoke to her son and daughter which are in there 20s he is stopping them from seeing he and her them i am in the pane and loneliness i do love her been together for 26 years
she’s been gone foe 4 months seems to be him first
left me with all the bills and 2 kids at home What ever happened to ’till death do us part’?
Didn’t we not make a promise to God?

my wife is 41 years

By: constantly confused

constantly confused — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 02:49:53 +0000

i love what you are doing . about to buy your ebook and step out on faith .. I will make it !! thank you so very much ..

By: Ur-quan

Ur-quan — Fri, 18 May 2007 00:33:34 +0000

So when is this ever forgivable… never I suppose. I was the one who cheated. I made the decision to do it. Yes I was lonely, after 9 years my wife informs me she just wants to be a “mother” not a wife. So I live with a roommate. No love, no affection, no warmth. She “loves” me provided I keep bringing home money. After many months I go on a business trip and get a crush, something I haven’t had since I was a teenager. Didn’t know what to do and felt awful so I confessed to my wife and of course didn’t tell the other person. My wife cries and I tell her how sorry I am. Nothing has happened. She says she’ll try to make things better, spend more time together, etc. No. After a week it’s the same or worse. We are never together intimately so more months later I move out of the bedroom hoping this will spur some action, send a message, anything, I beg but she doesn’t respond. Nothing. We start going to counciling but this too doesn’t work as the husband and wife team (from our church) that run it argue and bicker with each other in front of us. I want to switch to another councilor but this simply “proves” my lack of commitment to the relationship. Then all hell breaks loose.

After I get back from another business trip I find that she has cleaned out all the accounts, emptied the gun safe and moved them to parts unknown, and demands I get out. I leave under threats of harm. I arrange to move in with a male friend but the room isn’t ready. I can’t stay there and have no place to go, no money, and only my car to sleep in. This other woman (yes we’re friends by this point) puts me up at her place and within a week I find out my secret feelings are mutual. I have an affair. I did it. I have broken my vow with this other person and shamed myself and I can’t take it back. My wife unbeknownst to me puts a tracking device on my car when I am at work. All the stolen money she took easily finances a PI who gets pics of my car at the other womans place a week after I moved out. I get served.

I try to reconcile, she won’t hear of it. She tells me how happy she is now that I am gone and she is “where she needs to be!!!” so happy to be paying her own bills!!! (with the money she took of course). I never see my children and have to fight legal battles for months for visitation. She threatens my life, tells everyone that I have been seeing this woman for years, and that I was mentally cruel calling her horrific names every day of our marriage none of which is true. I am accused of all manner of crimes only one of which I am actually guilty of and not on the timetable described (although that probably is just splitting hairs).

For those here who have suffered I am truly sorry. I wish I could apologize to make it up but I can’t and now it’s too late and there is nothing I can say or do. Every kind action or even attempt at a kind action I try to do is framed in the worst way and simply added to my list of “crimes”. I can’t win or surrender and she is taking great delight in seeing me struggle. I know this is just deserts but still… I offered her everything, the house, alimony, cs, for 16 years until my youngest is well into college but she hasn’t responded nor will she forgive anything. Every day its “NO! you can’t talk to the kids you have a DEMON IN YOU AND YOU LIVE A LIFE OF SIN!!!” I don’t know what to do. Just breathing and hoping that life someday will get better. Will the hate ever dry up I wonder?

By: Cyndi

Cyndi — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 17:54:18 +0000

I can relate to many of you, either been through or going through many of the feelings you have. To make a long story short, yes H had an affair! After two yrs of my gut instinct telling me that he was, he finally admitted to it in feb 2006! Just recently, I found her phone # on his phone and confronted him about it. Denied it all! I know what I saw, I am not BLIND! So, I asked about it again and told him I needed to see the detailed billing statement, and then he finally admitted to calling her. Said he didn’t get ahold of her though. When I asked him why after all this time he had the need to call her, he replied, I just wanted to see what she was up to? tell me why should he even care??? Anyway, still trying to sort through this whole mess and like I told him, all I want is the truth!!! If you want her just say so, but I refuse to live like this any longer and I deserve better!

By: Sue

Sue — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 01:40:45 +0000

My last note was on April 4th and as I re-read it I realize that I have been through many rounds in the days inbetween and have come back to the same place. Sitting with my feelings and asking myself hard questions about what it is that I want for me. Today it seems possible that he can provide what I need. But this is still speculation. At what point will I KNOW what move is right for me?

Whenever that happens I pray I will be strong for me and KNOW that whatever it is……it is right for me.

I do have my power back and it is easier to charge neutral now……again. I know I’m not there yet as I still lose it too easily. Not as much, or as often, but still. I need to be cared for and heard. That is the bottom line of love. I need to be able to care for and listen. And we both need to be willing and able to do it with each other. Very tough questions. So much fear and hurt falling in the road in between.

By: Nicki

Nicki — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 15:39:02 +0000

As I think back, I do remember asking myself this question (after recalling and reliving what he did for the millionth time!): “Does this have anything to do with me?” The answer was, “NO!” His issues, his problems,etc.

That’s when I was able to turn the corner and focus on me and what I needed. It’s also when I was able to really charge neutral and get my power back!

By: Sue

Sue — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 03:05:38 +0000

I haven’t posted here in quite sometime. I havn’t read the other posts yet…..someone may have responded to mine.

But I read this in a different space. It is the space I am in now. I am sitting with this mess and waiting. I’m not entirely sure what I am waiting for, only that I know I must be sure about me. I must take care of me. And I am doing that to the best of my ability right now.

My question has been “Why do I want this relationship?” I now know the answer, but the answer is not one that is being played out. So the reality of this situation is that if he can not make the connections (and I mean that on many levels) that are needed it won’t play out the way I would hope it to.

So now I am taking care of me and waiting for the day that I am ready to move on more than I already have. Divorce is all that is really left. But I am clear, right now, that I need to be ready for it before I make that step. That is one way I am taking care of me. I am not moving too fast anymore. I am not being reactive (at least not in the big picture and rarely in the day to day). I am not holding off either for unreasonable hope. Just getting used to my skin in its new form.

It seems that he will not decide, so I will have to. But if that is the case, then it only makes sense for me to pay attention to me and move on, each step, when I am ready. That is what I’ve done to this point and I must say it helps to alleviate the bitterness…….my biggest goal is to not live a bitter life.

I will be happy……I know it. But in my own time, on my own terms. It seems it will be without him……..but only when I am relatively sure I can stand on my own two feet. I am oh-so-close to that now. Just trying to be still and feel the feelings…..go through it and not around it. Painful at best.

Thanks for all your thoughts…..they help and support my feelings of working for me.

By: scoot123

scoot123 — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 02:53:04 +0000

I read all of your stories and I think gosh I was with him for 6 years and now one year since he left for the OP Im still going through this crap. My question is actually 2. I dont know if this is the correct question he was referring to but I definitely want to know WHY DID HE DO THIS AND WHY AM I STIL IN THIS????
I completely understand that I deserve better and that I didnt cause this to happen and like some of you had said, he has been seeing both of us for the past year, we all know about each other so why keep lying? WHY do you keep telling me we cant be together right now and that you know it will go no further with her than what it is right now, well right now has been going on for a year, so what is it that it isnt?

I think somedays I am strong enough to leave and somedays Im still hanging in there. I cant believe a word he says and for that matter her either. I happen to run into her at a local store by my home ( of which I moved to another town to get away from all of us living in the same town) and boom there she is. It appears that he has had the we arent going to go any further than this talk and she told me she and he were better at being friends and that she cant take the lies any more either. She didnt realize he had just left my house not 15 minutes before I ran into her. She said it herself, he has made us hate each other with all of the lies. I said well just because you lie in his bed doesnt mean he meant the things he said, that goes for myself as well.

How do I know when enough is enough? Some of you have gone 3 4 or more years with this. I just dont understand how someone could do this to people that they claim to have loved. I guess maybe they didnt ever love but why keep me in your life. Why tell me one day we will be back together that you need some stability in your life like building a home. That I told him was just geography, stability of having a home isnt the same as fidelity. Two different things.

I think some days I wish I were dead and didnt have to deal with it any longer. We are tied together emotionally, financially, I even started his business with my contacts which became very lucrative and then it all changed. 6 years of your life you spend with someone thinking they are your best friend. Now Im finding out the hard way who all my real friends are.

Im trying to get past the bitterness, the anger, the pain, but so far have not been too successful. I know i need to work on me and finally tomorrow I move to my own residence. A place for my daughter and I. What a change being on my own should be. I hope it makes me stronger and happier and more able to work on me.

I’ll keep praying for the best to happen whatever that may be, with him or without him. I’ll keep you guys in my prayers too.

This was my first time doing this Im sorry if I was too winded but I hope I have found some real friends here!

By: Phyllis

Phyllis — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 23:04:58 +0000

The most important thing I learned is not to let the missing pieces of the puzzle consume me. First of all…know that your cheating spouse made a consious decision to cheat. Then he looked at you as a scapegoat to blame for his poor decisions. While both parties usually contribute to the “falling out of love” process in an unhappy marriage, It was still his decision to cheat. If he had been married to someone else he probably would have still cheated….maybe with you. You are not to blame for his character flaws or his poor decisions. Just your own. Remember that.
I don’t know where to start. He cheated, her husband called and told me, I found out there were many before her, we went to counseling, became “newly weds” again after 33 years, things were going great then he withdrew, acted like he hated me and told me 2 days after my mother died that he want ME to leave because HE needed a fresh start…..well I didn’t leave but he did a month later. Tears, pain, grief, anger hopelessness all rolled into one. But then the light came on and I realized that this was not a problem for ME to solve. It was a problem HE had to solve. That was 2 years ago. The divorce is final, I am alone but I know that HE is the one who has to wrestle with himself, not me. He remarried about 6 months ago….Wonder how long it will be before he is back in the same situation. No one can make him happy he has to do that for himself. I am responsible for me….not him…He is responsible for himself and not me. Let the puzzle pieces go……state your position…..then if he doesn’t want to play by the rules then he has to make a choice. You or her. There can never be an in between. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect when they can learn to be respectful of others. If he cheats he is not respectful of you or himself. The decision is his alone, but you don’t have to go down the tubes with him. Good Luck God Bless

By: Doug

Doug — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 16:54:53 +0000

WHAT AM I GOING TO CHOOSE TO DO WITH THE POWER I HAVE? WHAT DO I CHOOSE?