I’d been betrayed by my husband of 10 years (we just celebrated our 10th year early this year).What I thought was a marvelous husband and a happy marriage became a nightmare. I should say that my biggest and most painful problem came last year when I was six months pregnant with my second child and found out that my husband was having an affair. I was able to find out the truth about his extramarital affair. I found out that he had been having an affair for four years now, bore his mistress with two kids and housed them in a nice place which I had no knowledge of. He had been living a secret life all this time and had been treating the other woman as his wife.I readily forgave my husband and told him to work our marriage out. I did win the battle as I was witness to him ending his relationship with his mistress. A month after however, I found out that he went back to his mistress and continued their relationship while lying to me the whole time. I discovered all his deceit and lies but each time I forgave him and stuck it out with him. I have been suffering till now as I do not see any changes taking place in my husband’s attitude regarding his relationship with his mistress. All my life I had wished for nothing but a perfect marriage and a happy family. Because of my husband’s betrayal, my 8-year old daughter has been greatly affected. This has also caused me so much pain physically that my health begins to deteriorate and my successful career is now threatened as my boss has noticed that I am most of the time spaced out and in limbo.I have so many times thought of leaving my husband but each time he holds on to me and promises to work things out with me and leave his mistress for good. He has been practicing Christianity and claims that he has been transformed.I know my situation is difficult because there are kids involved with the other woman which my husband needs to support financially. I know and I believe that my husband no longer loves me but he loves his children with me so much that he cannot afford to leave us. It is such a painful thought that the husband that I prayed for is the very reason why my family is disintegrating, has stopped loving me, is in love with his mistress and is only staying married to me because of our kids.

The pain is unbearable. I live each day and draw strength from my two little kids. I haven’t hurt anyone, my kids bear the consequence of not having a complete family that they deserve; and I know deep inside that my husband’s happiness and his mistress’ happiess as well won’t last long because it’s built around my misery and my kids’ unhappiness.

What a wife like me to do? I wish several times to leave him and find my own happiness with anothe person that will hopefully this time truly love me and treat my kids as his own. That’s just easy to say, I suppose.

I feel so bad for you and your situation and we have all been there done that. If he has the nerve to call her from your home and then profess love for you there is a real problem. It’s the cake and eat to thing with him. I think he looks at you as his security blanket and maybe you are and he is afraid to test the waters at this time and make a go with this other person. With you gone and no emotional support from you he will be on his own for way to long and the wheels keep turning and that’s when things really heat up. I was gone for a month and thought everything was just great when I left and when I got back it hit the fan I could not believe what was happening to our lives. Unlike you I am older than you are have my own buisness work hard but when this happened to me I fell apart after almost 20 years so time means nothing to them it’s what they want when they want it and they will do as they please I found that out they do not care about you all they are selfish, arrogant people men/women who cheat are loosers. You seem to have allot on the ball and you do not need someone who does not care about you and what you are trying to do in your life, you have allot on your plate and you do not need the negativity that is going on around you. You are only into this a few years and if he cheats now it is not going to get any better unless you both get some help and if he wants to be honest with you and I have found that here that once the lies start they don’t stop. It’s just a shame all the way around they lie so much they start to believe what they say and then can’t remember what they have said. Also it becomes harder for them to cover their tracks with the lies and then it real gets interesting, like getting caught. It’s hard to walk away but if you feel you have exhausted yourself and you are a young woman with a career in the making it is better to find out now than 20 years down the road and he is still a cheating fool. People who cheat have a real esteem problem along with self respect, they don’t have any for themselves nor anyone else and are unhappy with themselves if you can’t be happy with yourslef then you can’t be happy with someone else. We, on this site have heard it all and if you read all the past comments you will see what we have all been through and it is a hard road. Your choice my girl but if I were you I would pack it in while you are young enough to start a fresh new life with someone someday who appreciates you for who you are.

Have a great day and Good Luck.

I don’t know if this will ever be read but I needed to pour all this out. I have been married for 3.5 years, and found out my husband has been involved in an emotional affair for the past 2 months. It all supossedly started as a “friendship??. In May we both sat down to talk and decided to take a break because we were so stressed out, it never meant seeing other people (maybe I missed something?). Looking through the phone bills I found out that he was already talking to the OW around the same time we had this talk. This really hurt me, because it makes me feel as if all of this was premeditated. I started a very time consuming and rigorous graduate program about 9 months ago (ok, medical school) and he claims that I never had time for him because I was always studying (this is only an oversimplification of what had been happening, otherwise this message would be 10 pages long). I know that I have been no angel, but deep in my heart I felt that I was doing everything that I COULD do given the circumstances and my limitations. He still denies he is having an affair. The lies and the deception hurt me.

He complained about the lack of intimacy (you know what I mean), my depression, my problems, that all of this drew him away. Last night I heard him talk on the phone with the OW and saying “I love you??, “you’re my babe??, “you’re my number 1??, “when I go to bed I think of you??, and this just left me like a deer in the headlights. What am I supossed to do? One day he says that he doesn’t want to be married and that we’re not getting back together ever, and a few days later when I bring up the “D?? word he doesn’t want to do that either. He says that he wants to remain friends with me, that nobody understands him like I do, that he needs me, etc, etc, etc. Then why on earth is he doing this to me?

To be honest, I don’t know if I still love him. He says he loves me, but my question is, does he love me or is he in love with me still? I have blown up so many times over this, cried my eyes out, you know how it goes. I don’t know what to do. In a week and a half I am leaving the country to visit my parents (my dad is very ill) and I’ll be gone for almost 2 months. I feel that I’m leaving her the playing field completely open. But then I think, do I really want to work on a marriage with a person that is capable of hurting me like this? Of replacing me so easy and so fast after swearing love and adoration for me? I’m so confused and so hurt and so lost??. Any suggestions? :’(

The whole social structure of our lives has changed so much and you are right also they either don’t see it or don’t want to. The thing here is they were together for so long her friends became his and they are huge party group and sort of the local dredges that really know one wants to be around that’s how low he sank. I can’t believe he was with that group of people the ones he always talked about being the low of the low and he fell right in and you are right it is a addiction, the sex, the whatevers and who will realy ever know the whole truth. I know I won’t that’s for sure. I have never been a street smart person and to be treated like less of a human being was horrifing to listen to how he talked about everything and he sounded just like her. I was shocked by his behavior to say the least. She is certifibly nuts is what my hair dresser said to me yesterday. She took some time off to get married. This was the first time I have been to her in almost a year and they hear everything it’s like a bartender everybody knows and this B can’t keep her mouth shut and brags about this all over town, people look at her for what she is a real looser and I know that, what a mouth she has. She is by polar, at least that’s what I think she should be on medication. Someone told me she was but that’s another story.

People have told me so much that it just makes me ill and I have a buisness to run and see people on a daily basis and they just shake thier heads at the whole situation. I am not saying that I am some super model type but I am a good looking woman and carry myself well, dress well, act accordingly, fun to be around when he’s not around, I am just to me an average person 5′6″ 135 not a raving beauty but well put together and look good. Through all this one thing I have seen in myself is that happiness reflects so much in how you look, I look great but the happiness in my eyes is gone and I see it everyday. That’s one thing I want back in my life, they say the eyes are the window of the soul and I believe they are right. I have had some people say to me, “at first I was not sure that it was you” that’s the unhappiness here. I felt so bad about that for so long. I have perked up around other people but around him nothing he is a drag down in my life. Just be glad when to is all sold and I can find another place I just don’t want to be here to many memories of the good times we once had here.

I am off to do chores and get ready to run and start my day. I took so many days off through all this it is amazing I made myself out a pay check. I am getting back into the grove of all that and it is nice to be back around the folks that work for me they are a great bunch and I don’t know how they put up with me over all this, I am just glad they stayed it’s hard to find a good crew you can work with and them you. God Bless them all.

Have a great day

Yes, he claims it is over with the OP and it has been for quite sometime and he never made mention of how this came to be. I have no idea how it ended but knowing about her I can tell you it was not a pretty site whether in front of him or not and who knows maybe she broke it off with him because he would not move in with her which I have come to believe could have happemed she is a very demanding woman but who knows what went down there he will never tell me the truth. I don’t think he knows the meaning of the word and honesty is not in his life form anymore. I told him once you hurt allot of people not just you, me, her amd her family, which she has. He wants this to work and sunday we had a bit of a chat about this and I told him you broke it now you fix it and how are you going ot do this? He said nothing he has no clue what it takes, it’s called conversations about both of our wants and needs and he cannot get it. I told him what you need to do is talk to me from your heart and he can’t/won’t do it I think it is to painful for him to be honest with himself. That’s what I think. I think he is still cheating but I don’t know for sure, maybe because he is so different with me.

It was OK for him to be out with her having sex every night of the week and leave me alone and show up whenever he got tired of being where he was so this was his safe house. I also said what about our sex life we don’t have any and how easy it it for me knowing you spent all that time with her and I got nothing out of all this for years and now knowing what you were doing do you think it would be easy for me to hop in the sak with you and have a great time. He does not understand how women think or feel. I cannot get past this BS of his and only because he is such a liar and won’t be honest. If he were I would look at this in such a different way.

I am fine and going to get my hair done and nails and have a great day. I owe it to myself to have a day off the store can manage without me for the day. Hope the have fun wiht me gone, they are probably looking forward to it I have been not fun these last 9 months. Have a fun Day!

So, does he claim he is done with the OP and if so, how did he end it? Mine said he left her a “note” and he hasn’t heard from her since then. I don’t buy it. No woman is going to get broken up with by a note, and not want a verbal explanation! Please. He thinks I am so stupid.

Well, write soon and keep me posted! I am thinking about you!

Men on the whole I am beginning to think always think about what it would be like with someone new as they go beyond looking at other women they stare a hole through them. It’s not us it’s them and they are never satisfied till they make the ulitmate mistake and then they don’t know what to do. I think your right being caught is the worse thing for them then they have to cough it all up or at least some of them do but not here.

What a terrible thing he did to take her to a place you really loved, it just amazes me that they do the most stupid things when it comes to sex, they hide, they run, they cheat, they lie, if they were so proud of what they are doing why not just take them home to meet the folks while they are at it. Just awful he would dod this to you, I was just being glib about the folks thing, LOL. I always looked at our home as the great escape from life in general here we could do whatever we wanted to do and to have her here in my home is the greatest of all pain. That meant to me he had no respect for any of this at all nor for me and without that you don’t have much. That’s why I can walk away from here and not care he can have it but I am taking all the furniture except his TV and stero stuff that I don’t care about anyway. I will always love this place for what it used to be but now it’s just not the same.

I know that he wants to fix this but he broke me down so far for so long that I can’t in my heart give him another chance and all because of what he did not me. This is not what I ever wanted in our lives and he knows this so let the chips fall where they may. I tried Liz and gave it my best shot but I can’t do it alone or anymore.

Now he is e-mailimg all these I love you cards, our love is eternal and all that stuff but for me the meaning of it all is so BS that it does not have much meaning to me. I cannot believe I was so stupid and did not see what was going on, blind trust and unconditional love is what I gave him but no more of that from me to him, EVER. I am not willing any longer it is not him, he wants it all back but he went to far for to long. I am such a different person now and he sees the unhappiness in me everyday and he cannot deal with that at all. He said to me “you have a great life what more do you want and what do you have to be stressed about it’s over and has been over for a long time except it and lets press on and have a happy life”. I just don’t want him anymore to me he’s like a used up old car engin running but no parts to fix it. He cannot fix this here it was to many years of degrading me and blaming me for all of his activities outside the home and he blamed me for it all. This was not my fault and I know that and I will never forgive him nor take the blame for all the mean and nasty things that came out of his mouth, he just went to far with me. The hurt was to great and the fear to try again with him and have him do this to me again is not worth the chance for me as I do believe once a cheater alays a cheater a leopard does not change his spots especially when it goes on for years and he has no regrets nor I’m Sorry from his heart. He is just an empty shell of a person to me and so shallow of a man. He was a great guy and now he’s just what he is.

What I miss the most, our old friends and the fun we all had together and they avoid me like the plague as they all know and they cannot face us as a couple and I know why. He just breezes through and does not even notice as I sit there by myself alone knowing they have seen him with her and I am sure thier question is why is she still here. I feel like a fool and he did that to me. Amazing how they can treat the man so well and the woman they treat like she is invisable. Nobody wants to say anything to me out of fear I am sure that I will say something or ask them something. All our old friends have said to me “I cannot believe this happened with the two you we would have never guessed he would have done this”, then they drop it and on to another subject. Now I avoid them all I have made new friends and have a different social circle and that is good for me. I use to throw the best parties/BBQ’s for all the holiday’s amd just for whatever but there has been nothing here in three + years, I have no desire. He said to me “lets go for a ride sunday and have lunch” I told him we’ll see. I just don’t have it in me anymore he just took to much of me. He works four days a week and claims to have worked yesterday maybe he did who knows for sure he lied to me for so long I have no idea if he did or did’nt as he told me that for years and come to find out he was with her and today he’s gone again. Who knows for sure some sort of seminar/class whatever I just in my heart don’t know what to believe and what not to, how sad is that. This is not a life it is an exsistance and I don’t want to settle for a life with him without it all and he will never get it.

I am fine but will always cherish what we had once upon a time but that is gone now and I will have a better life with happiness somewhere just don’t have a clue where I want to go I have been here for so long. I will find a place that I will make into a happy place for me and if someday I meet someone else good for me and if not good for me also as I am happy with myself as I have no regrets and no guilt. Not taking the baggage with me when I go it will be a clean break. He still does not know I am leaving and like I said before one day he will come home to an empty house, hope he enjoys his life and once I am gone there is no going back for me it has to be this way for me. The reason for this all is that he is so angry and I know it is at himself and I want no good byes from him I want nothing just what is mine and I will press on like he always says.

I don’t know how long all this will take but whatever it does not matter I just want to do this on my own terms and I owe that to myself. I owe him nothing he deserves nothng not even a good bye from me.

Love Ya Girl and hope all works out for you. Have a nice weekend.

Well, Sandy, 3 years is ALOT to endure of an OP, that’s a total relationship. In fact, it’s longer than some marraiges! Mine went on for 6 months, and honestly, that is too long for me to accept also.

I watched 2 TV shows last night. Grey’s Anatomy, and October Road. Both shows had themes of infidelity. It’s like you just can’t escape it. It’s everywhere. It really made me think of how much people put themselves first, front and center. The one show, October Road, showed the husband finding out his wife was cheating with his best friend. It had been going on for months. Then he found out one of his good buddies, knew all along but kept it from him. The husband left of course, angry and hurt, and what did the wife want? Forgiveness. She “made a mistake”……she wanted him back. So, what does it take, totally seeing the other spouse shattered and devistated repeatedly before they realize they “made a mistake”? See, I have come to disagree. I honestly think they feel MORE upset about being caught. I think they feel more upset about how this will effect THEIR life from here on out. OK, granted, maybe I am being too general. But I think the people who acutally “fess up” and come clean on their OWN, have a far better chance at being believable to me. I had to bust my H BOTH times. This is the part that I struggle with. It’s a complete character issue.
Sandy, I know what you mean about the bed. My H didn’t have her in our home (that I can prove, mind you….doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!) but….he had her at a family cottage and it was worse to me because I’ve been going there since I was a baby. It had strong memories, and it’s my favorite place on Earth. And my H knew this. And still, he took her there. It was a conscious choice on his part. It’s a long drive. At any time he could have turned back and said, “what am I crazy? what am I doing!” but he didn’t. He can’t take it back. Granted. But…I can’t take back what it did to me now either. And he doesn’t fully get that part. He thinks I have a “choice” of how it will “effect” me. That’s his usual comeback. I am getting tired of it. I feel it’s a copout on his end. He wants it to go away like “migrating birds” too.
Well, enough from me today. I had lunch with a good friend, and that always cheers me up! A good laugh helps.
Have a great weekend!

No, I a not selling the house without him we have lots of other properties and that’s what’s on the market, this house I loved so much and this place that it will be hard to leave it but when I do I will crying all the way up the drive. He can have the house as that is all it is to me at this point I do not see it as a home that it use to be. The main reason is, I had to leave once on buisness for about a month and came back and found out she had been in my bed. I threw out the sheets/mattress and bought new ones one day while he was gone and he came home and wanted to know why I did this and I was so angry at him and told him I did it because I could smell her in my bed and I wanted it gone. Her perfume Opium was everywhere, his car, my car, the house. What a disappointment, no respect he invaded our home with this slut and then had the nerve to deny it when her hair was even in my brush, on the sheets and that was not all that was there either.

I think I have just had more than my share of it all and now he wants to work this out, he made a mistake, gee almost three years of her and it was a mistake. How do I deal with all that and for me it is not revenge it’s all the time he took to be with her and the imtimacey shared and that is why he cannot talk to me. He has nothing to say he became to comfortable where he was.

I know he is trying the best he can and he knows he hurt me terribly but when there is no conversation about anything and all the things you use to do and had in common are gone, what’s left. He is like a stanger to me. We always use to talk about our feelings and about this dumbest things for a laugh and now it seems he has no joy left in his heart. He cannot fix what he broke and he sees me as a unhappy camper. With me, I am honest about my feelings and don’t hold back I am a talker like most women and for him to just come home sit at the TV/computer and say nothing to me for hours sometimes ten on the weekends at a time he cannot face me or what he did. The spark ladies is not there he wants it to be but as I said this is not going to work becuase now I am not willing to help him clean up the mess he started in the first place, it just went on to long and I was left alone for so long not knowing where he was what he was doing and then coming home like a raving idiot. He has allot of pent up anger and I know it was never me it was all about him and his wants and desires but to be the brunt of all the foul mouth things he said to me will never go away for me.

He did tell me he wished it never happened but a little to late for me. I need to be around someone who cares about me and this is not the place I want to be with him in my life after almost 20 years, what a waste because he could not be honest with me. It could have been a easy fix so to speak but there is no fixing because I don’t want to work that hard for someone that I know in my heart did all this to me without reguard for me and my feelings. No kids at home so that does not play a part in any of this and I am grateful for that, just work and the both of us.

I think I just got so tired and so wore out that I know I tried my best and I have no regrets, leaving for me now is the best thing for me and my peace of mind, I need that in my life right now. It will be a while before I can do this but in the meantime I will just bide my time and try and be as happy as I can with myself.

You are right about one thing they cannot remember what they say to you because they want it to just go away like migrating birds and not come back, he cannot face me out of fear and talk to me I know that also. Forgiving is the easy part but not even “I am sorry is another, he said I am sorry what this did to you and I can see part of it but not all of it” but he was not sorry whay he did is all I got and “I made a mistake sorry it took me so long to find out”. It just came to late for me and I have made many changes in my life becaus eof what happened, no other man nothing like that, it will be a long time in coming for me I can be by myself not affraid of that but I know I will be lonely but I have been for so long it does not matter anymore about him it’s all about me now. We all have to make our choices and I have made mine. Just sorry it could not have been worked out.

He still has contact, refuses therapy, wants to be a free agent as far as I can see and one person cannot fix it alone. He said it’s over with her and has been for a long time then why the contact? Why can’t he just talk to me from his heart like he use to, I missed that so much and him for so long but I got to use to being alone and began to enjoy it is many ways I will never understand it all I just need my own life back and I am going to have a great life. Not a spring chicken but I look great and feel great about myself and that’s all that matters right now to me.

Take care girls and hope your lives are filled with happiness. Have a great day.