Comments on: Infidelity Quickie #3: The “Surface Stroke” is Killing Me and My Trust http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/ to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Tue, 06 Jan 2009 09:45:11 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: MS http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-806 MS Fri, 26 Jan 2007 15:35:45 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-806 Hey, ladies and gents, some of us have moved to the #4 Quickie blog. Then we don't have to scroll so far down to read and post. Cya later, MS Hey, ladies and gents, some of us have moved to the #4 Quickie blog. Then we don’t have to scroll so far down to read and post. Cya later, MS

]]> By: Jessi http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-801 Jessi Fri, 26 Jan 2007 06:06:32 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-801 Sue I was thinking along the same lines as MS... maybe you are the OP'S OP now and your H is having the affair with you!! Sue I was thinking along the same lines as MS… maybe you are the OP’S OP now and your H is having the affair with you!!

]]> By: marlene http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-798 marlene Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:16:37 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-798 Hi all - to MS - yeah, watch out for that helper stuff - my husband's OP had a lot of problems many of which he told me about - and she had much less education and independence than I do and I think she hero-worshipped him - here is one of my thoughts re why it's hard for them to get "by" it - if they do really feel that they are over the feelings for the OP, then what does that mean about what kind of people they are? see what I mean? it's better for them to think that they really loved the OP and that they feel bad about hurting both of us - otherwise they are just pr___s who were having a fling and playing around - they can regret what they did but still miss the affair because of how it made them feel about themselves - when you come right down to it, it's all about how they feel about themselves isn't it? I think the breakthrough comes when they really start figuring out how WE feel and can empathize - then maybe it becomes more of a feeling that, yeah, I really loved that person especially for how she made me feel about myself but we can't and shouldn't always act on our feelings and impulses - and if I really love my spouse, then maybe there is some way that I can feel good about myself in my marriage Best to you all!! Hi all - to MS - yeah, watch out for that helper stuff - my husband’s OP had a lot of problems many of which he told me about - and she had much less education and independence than I do and I think she hero-worshipped him - here is one of my thoughts re why it’s hard for them to get “by” it - if they do really feel that they are over the feelings for the OP, then what does that mean about what kind of people they are? see what I mean? it’s better for them to think that they really loved the OP and that they feel bad about hurting both of us - otherwise they are just pr___s who were having a fling and playing around - they can regret what they did but still miss the affair because of how it made them feel about themselves - when you come right down to it, it’s all about how they feel about themselves isn’t it? I think the breakthrough comes when they really start figuring out how WE feel and can empathize - then maybe it becomes more of a feeling that, yeah, I really loved that person especially for how she made me feel about myself but we can’t and shouldn’t always act on our feelings and impulses - and if I really love my spouse, then maybe there is some way that I can feel good about myself in my marriage
Best to you all!!

]]> By: MS http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-797 MS Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:16:19 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-797 Sue, I gotta say, I don't think I could hold it together in your shoes. Maybe a little distance between you and you H would do you and him some good. Maybe you are making it too easy for him to have the best of both worlds. You don't have to go to the extent of divorce, maybe if you tell him it's hurting you too much to spend time as a psuedo couple. You either want the real thing or don't expect anything more from me than "friendliness". Maybe he needs to miss YOU a little more. My husband said something last night about when he thought of leaving and would come to tell me he was leaving me, he just couldn't do it, because he couldn't stand the thought of not seeing me every day and seeing the kids every day. I said sometimes I wish you would have left and maybe you would appreciate me, us, more. Maybe you would have realized that you couldn't live without me. And if, on the other hand, you realized you were happier on your own with whomever, then we weren't meant to be and we wouldn't be happy ever anyway. It just sounds like the stress is getting to you and you can't be strong indefinately. You are only human after all. Maybe taking a "break" from the stress of him would do you some good. Now I'm not saying you don't have to have ANY contact with him, I mean you are going to counseling right? But maybe the nights he comes for dinner and what not, you should make and excuse and do something for yourself. Just tell him, if he can't cut it off then you need some down time from all of this. this may sound kinds stupid, but is he lying to her when he comes to see you? I mean does she know he is coming to spend time with you and not just your kids? Kinda like he is having an affair with you and you are the OP now? I see a little role reversal here, and maybe this will work in your favor, since he is living with her and the stresses of everyday life will end the fantasy. Not all wine and roses when the laundry is piled high, the bills need to be paid and dinner isn't a cozy little restaurant on the other side of town. Anyway, maybe I am totally wrong here and please forgive me if I offended you, I don't mean to. I just hate to see you hurting. Also, I can't believe that your counselor is not telling him to break it off clean and come home? All the books I have read and my counselor, say the affair has to be OVER to start any kind of healing in the marriage. Even with my husband "ending" it, we are still dealing with the aftermath of his feelings about ending it and he never even left. We have a LONG way to go to recovery. What is he waiting for with her? Why can't he leave? What is holding him there? I am sure you have asked him all those questions. Not sure what he answered, but if you are starting to break down from the stress of the situation, then you won't be good for yourself, your kids or him. I am worried about you. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. MS Sue, I gotta say, I don’t think I could hold it together in your shoes. Maybe a little distance between you and you H would do you and him some good. Maybe you are making it too easy for him to have the best of both worlds. You don’t have to go to the extent of divorce, maybe if you tell him it’s hurting you too much to spend time as a psuedo couple. You either want the real thing or don’t expect anything more from me than “friendliness”. Maybe he needs to miss YOU a little more. My husband said something last night about when he thought of leaving and would come to tell me he was leaving me, he just couldn’t do it, because he couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing me every day and seeing the kids every day. I said sometimes I wish you would have left and maybe you would appreciate me, us, more. Maybe you would have realized that you couldn’t live without me. And if, on the other hand, you realized you were happier on your own with whomever, then we weren’t meant to be and we wouldn’t be happy ever anyway. It just sounds like the stress is getting to you and you can’t be strong indefinately. You are only human after all. Maybe taking a “break” from the stress of him would do you some good. Now I’m not saying you don’t have to have ANY contact with him, I mean you are going to counseling right? But maybe the nights he comes for dinner and what not, you should make and excuse and do something for yourself. Just tell him, if he can’t cut it off then you need some down time from all of this.
this may sound kinds stupid, but is he lying to her when he comes to see you? I mean does she know he is coming to spend time with you and not just your kids? Kinda like he is having an affair with you and you are the OP now? I see a little role reversal here, and maybe this will work in your favor, since he is living with her and the stresses of everyday life will end the fantasy. Not all wine and roses when the laundry is piled high, the bills need to be paid and dinner isn’t a cozy little restaurant on the other side of town. Anyway, maybe I am totally wrong here and please forgive me if I offended you, I don’t mean to. I just hate to see you hurting.

Also, I can’t believe that your counselor is not telling him to break it off clean and come home? All the books I have read and my counselor, say the affair has to be OVER to start any kind of healing in the marriage. Even with my husband “ending” it, we are still dealing with the aftermath of his feelings about ending it and he never even left. We have a LONG way to go to recovery. What is he waiting for with her? Why can’t he leave? What is holding him there? I am sure you have asked him all those questions. Not sure what he answered, but if you are starting to break down from the stress of the situation, then you won’t be good for yourself, your kids or him. I am worried about you. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. MS

]]> By: Jessi http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-796 Jessi Thu, 25 Jan 2007 23:59:06 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-796 Hang in there Sue.. don't make any major decisions when your emotions are running high. With my therapist we are working on developing a life for my D and I that will work with or without him. I am also unsure if I want to stay or go and throw my heart out into the universe on the chance of meeting someone else. All I do know is that I have had enough of this limbo so if I start creating my own happiness doing things I want to do then if I decide to leave it will be a gentle weaning myself away from him and I will already have my new life in place. I have stopped snooping into his things, told him that I wasn't going to do that anymore and it will be on his consceince if he is doing the wrong thing by me. Feel good about that. Going to tell him today that I am going to move on with my life so don't expect me to be moping about waiting for him to come out of his gloom. I am happy for him to be part of my life but don't be surprised if I have moved on if it takes him forever to stop wollowing in self pity!!! I don't want to get to the end of my life and regret that I spent too much of it waiting for him to get real. MS your story sounds so much like mine, I wonder if the man I married is able to return or if the OP changed his values so much that they are no longer in line with mine. Must talk to him on that one. What is the title and who is the author of the book you mentioned Anonymous. Don't know if I will make it into the chat room over the next few days, in a different time zone to most of you and have a busy weekend. Thanks for your notes and encouragement. Love to all, keep strong and remember this year is all about you. Hang in there Sue.. don’t make any major decisions when your emotions are running high. With my therapist we are working on developing a life for my D and I that will work with or without him. I am also unsure if I want to stay or go and throw my heart out into the universe on the chance of meeting someone else. All I do know is that I have had enough of this limbo so if I start creating my own happiness doing things I want to do then if I decide to leave it will be a gentle weaning myself away from him and I will already have my new life in place. I have stopped snooping into his things, told him that I wasn’t going to do that anymore and it will be on his consceince if he is doing the wrong thing by me. Feel good about that. Going to tell him today that I am going to move on with my life so don’t expect me to be moping about waiting for him to come out of his gloom. I am happy for him to be part of my life but don’t be surprised if I have moved on if it takes him forever to stop wollowing in self pity!!! I don’t want to get to the end of my life and regret that I spent too much of it waiting for him to get real.
MS your story sounds so much like mine, I wonder if the man I married is able to return or if the OP changed his values so much that they are no longer in line with mine. Must talk to him on that one.
What is the title and who is the author of the book you mentioned Anonymous.
Don’t know if I will make it into the chat room over the next few days, in a different time zone to most of you and have a busy weekend.
Thanks for your notes and encouragement. Love to all, keep strong and remember this year is all about you.

]]> By: MS http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-795 MS Thu, 25 Jan 2007 23:50:50 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-795 Okay so.......My H comes home from work today and says he talked to a friend of his, who is a woman, I know her, and she is a friend of the OP. Anyway, he says he talked to this person, I'll call her Amy(not her real name). Amy knows about my H and the OP of course and she and her H have been the only two people that my H told about the affair. He went to this girls H for the name of a lawyer months ago. This guys first wife cheated on him and they divorced, but didn't try to judge my H, just gave him the info he requested and said just be there for you kids. Anyhooo, after this last retreat and ending at the beginning of Jan, the OP goes to this Amy and tells her he ended it, I called her nutso etc... and that the only two good things at work were Amy, and my H so now she doesn't have him and she is leaving the company!!!! Holy cow! Jump for joy! So my H tells me this and a few other things about the conversation. He said that Amy just wanted to know how he was doing and that I must be relieved that this is finally done and my H says he's doing fine, stressed, but ok and that I am relieved. So my question to you all is "Why does this bother me and why do I feel uneasy and distressed by this?" Is it because I feel like people are talking behind my back? Am I just paranoid? Maybe it's because I am so embarrassed that these people know and they don't really KNOW me so how does all this reflect on me? I feel like some kind of reject who couldn't keep her man happy so he had to look elsewhere for happiness. I know it's not my fault, and he's the one who cheated and I didn't DO anything to make him have an affair, I've written these things myself to other people in support. It's just it all sounds so good on paper, but living it and believing it is another story. I just can't figure out why I am not happy now that it's finally over and she's actually leaving his work? I don't know if I am still in fear mode. Fear that history will repeat itself again or fear of letting myself be happy so I won't get hurt again? This is silly, but I love country music and today I was watching a video by Brad Paisley. The song is called "She's Everything" I think and the lyrics are "She's everything I ever wanted, everything to me, when I talk about her I could go on and on and on. She's everything to me." Something like that, and I just sat there and cried because if he was listening to this, I don't think it would be me that he was thinking of. It made me so sad. I just don't feel it. It's not that he isn't affectionate and loving to me. He is. It's not that he doesn't want to have sex with me, he does. It's not that he doesn't tell me he loves me or says nice things to me, or compliments me, he does. He leaves me a note every morning now, about loving me and thinking of me, etc. It's this overwhelming feeling, that I am not the one he is thinking about during his day or when he hears a love song on the radio, I am not the one he is wishing he was coming home to or the last one he wants to see at night and the first person he wants to see in the morning. It's like I know he is mending a broken heart, mourning the loss of this person. And I want to know why? Why, if you love me as much as you say you do and want to stay married to me, then why mourn? Why the sadness and far off looks of remembering something? Why isn't this love enough? My love. Why am I not convinced that I am not settling for something less than everything? I don't want to settle and I certainly don't want to be some consolation prize because my husband wasn't strong enough to divorce me because of how things would change and what people would think. Does anyone else feel like this? I need more than one session a week in therapy, I'll tell ya. Enough poor me, hope all is well with you guys. Don't think I'll be at chat tonight, Grey's Anatomy is on. McDreamy, yum, yum, even though he was technically a cheater! He's easy to forgive. LOL! Cya, MS Okay so…….My H comes home from work today and says he talked to a friend of his, who is a woman, I know her, and she is a friend of the OP. Anyway, he says he talked to this person, I’ll call her Amy(not her real name). Amy knows about my H and the OP of course and she and her H have been the only two people that my H told about the affair. He went to this girls H for the name of a lawyer months ago. This guys first wife cheated on him and they divorced, but didn’t try to judge my H, just gave him the info he requested and said just be there for you kids. Anyhooo, after this last retreat and ending at the beginning of Jan, the OP goes to this Amy and tells her he ended it, I called her nutso etc… and that the only two good things at work were Amy, and my H so now she doesn’t have him and she is leaving the company!!!! Holy cow! Jump for joy! So my H tells me this and a few other things about the conversation. He said that Amy just wanted to know how he was doing and that I must be relieved that this is finally done and my H says he’s doing fine, stressed, but ok and that I am relieved. So my question to you all is “Why does this bother me and why do I feel uneasy and distressed by this?” Is it because I feel like people are talking behind my back? Am I just paranoid? Maybe it’s because I am so embarrassed that these people know and they don’t really KNOW me so how does all this reflect on me? I feel like some kind of reject who couldn’t keep her man happy so he had to look elsewhere for happiness. I know it’s not my fault, and he’s the one who cheated and I didn’t DO anything to make him have an affair, I’ve written these things myself to other people in support. It’s just it all sounds so good on paper, but living it and believing it is another story.

I just can’t figure out why I am not happy now that it’s finally over and she’s actually leaving his work? I don’t know if I am still in fear mode. Fear that history will repeat itself again or fear of letting myself be happy so I won’t get hurt again? This is silly, but I love country music and today I was watching a video by Brad Paisley. The song is called “She’s Everything” I think and the lyrics are “She’s everything I ever wanted, everything to me, when I talk about her I could go on and on and on. She’s everything to me.” Something like that, and I just sat there and cried because if he was listening to this, I don’t think it would be me that he was thinking of. It made me so sad. I just don’t feel it. It’s not that he isn’t affectionate and loving to me. He is. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have sex with me, he does. It’s not that he doesn’t tell me he loves me or says nice things to me, or compliments me, he does. He leaves me a note every morning now, about loving me and thinking of me, etc. It’s this overwhelming feeling, that I am not the one he is thinking about during his day or when he hears a love song on the radio, I am not the one he is wishing he was coming home to or the last one he wants to see at night and the first person he wants to see in the morning. It’s like I know he is mending a broken heart, mourning the loss of this person. And I want to know why? Why, if you love me as much as you say you do and want to stay married to me, then why mourn? Why the sadness and far off looks of remembering something? Why isn’t this love enough? My love. Why am I not convinced that I am not settling for something less than everything? I don’t want to settle and I certainly don’t want to be some consolation prize because my husband wasn’t strong enough to divorce me because of how things would change and what people would think. Does anyone else feel like this? I need more than one session a week in therapy, I’ll tell ya. Enough poor me, hope all is well with you guys. Don’t think I’ll be at chat tonight, Grey’s Anatomy is on. McDreamy, yum, yum, even though he was technically a cheater! He’s easy to forgive. LOL! Cya, MS

]]> By: Sue http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-794 Sue Thu, 25 Jan 2007 22:10:57 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-794 To all. Love your notes. I agree with being thankful for feeling stronger.....just feel a bit bitter on occasion. Today I was talking with my h on the phone and found myself feeling very annoyed. Nothing was being said or done that would have caused it. All of a sudden I started to cry and realized I am close to being done living like this. Now, I know I have felt this way and said it many times, but this was different....it was not pre-meditated.....it just was. I think I scared him....I know I scared myself. We are having dinner tonight. I don't know what will happen. I really don't want to move on when he is making so much emotional progress...and towards us/away from the affair. But I am getting more and more numb. Being involved with him while he is living with her is beyond by comprehension now. I think I am moving toward my strength to be alone. I think I have too before the scars are too large. We'll see. I hope I can hold our for my counseling appointment next Wednesday. Won't be in the chat room tonight...unless it's later.....as he will be here. Of course, it probably would do him some good to go to the chat room. He is someone that just might. Well.......maybe not. My space! Have a good night (or day for those of you in other time zones!) To all. Love your notes. I agree with being thankful for feeling stronger…..just feel a bit bitter on occasion.

Today I was talking with my h on the phone and found myself feeling very annoyed. Nothing was being said or done that would have caused it. All of a sudden I started to cry and realized I am close to being done living like this. Now, I know I have felt this way and said it many times, but this was different….it was not pre-meditated…..it just was.

I think I scared him….I know I scared myself. We are having dinner tonight. I don’t know what will happen. I really don’t want to move on when he is making so much emotional progress…and towards us/away from the affair. But I am getting more and more numb. Being involved with him while he is living with her is beyond by comprehension now. I think I am moving toward my strength to be alone. I think I have too before the scars are too large. We’ll see. I hope I can hold our for my counseling appointment next Wednesday.

Won’t be in the chat room tonight…unless it’s later…..as he will be here. Of course, it probably would do him some good to go to the chat room. He is someone that just might. Well…….maybe not. My space! Have a good night (or day for those of you in other time zones!)

]]> By: Anonymous http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-792 Anonymous Thu, 25 Jan 2007 18:48:36 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-792 HI EVERYONE!!! MS - you and I are the same age, in the same boat. I keep telling myself, "OK, I've wasted a year on this hell of the OW, infidelity, snooping around, crying, roller coaster emotions, etc. Now I feel the ball is in my H's court. I too, keep thinking, unless there is a major turnaround, I am heading for the big D. I DON'T want a divorce anymore than you, I never envisioned that for my life whatsoever, but, I can't go on like this much longer either. I think I am still young, and could still meet a wonderful man and have a "life" ahead of me. I am not giving up just yet, but I can tell my patience is wearing very thin at this point! Jesse - I couldn't agree more with your comment that as painful as this infidelity stuff is (and I don't wish it upon anyone) I have to say, it brings out an inner strength that I never knew existed down deep inside of me. I am actually becoming impressed with myself! Ha! As many tears as I have cried, and as much anger and pain as I've endured, some inner strength has made me a more confident, head strong woman. I KNOW what my morals are, and I have goals. I know what I expect now out of life. So, the old saying,"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" really holds water! Sue - the book just basically mentioned that if your spouse was CAUGHT in the affair, it most likely won't end abruptly. The affair has to die it's own natural death. So, basically there is a big difference if they confess or if they are discovered. And, my H was discovered by me both times. And yes, the book absolutely says it has to END ASAP. Marlene - must be something about Labor Day Weekend! Ha! that was the turning point for us too :) HI EVERYONE!!!

MS - you and I are the same age, in the same boat. I keep telling myself, “OK, I’ve wasted a year on this hell of the OW, infidelity, snooping around, crying, roller coaster emotions, etc. Now I feel the ball is in my H’s court. I too, keep thinking, unless there is a major turnaround, I am heading for the big D. I DON’T want a divorce anymore than you, I never envisioned that for my life whatsoever, but, I can’t go on like this much longer either. I think I am still young, and could still meet a wonderful man and have a “life” ahead of me. I am not giving up just yet, but I can tell my patience is wearing very thin at this point!

Jesse - I couldn’t agree more with your comment that as painful as this infidelity stuff is (and I don’t wish it upon anyone) I have to say, it brings out an inner strength that I never knew existed down deep inside of me. I am actually becoming impressed with myself! Ha! As many tears as I have cried, and as much anger and pain as I’ve endured, some inner strength has made me a more confident, head strong woman. I KNOW what my morals are, and I have goals. I know what I expect now out of life. So, the old saying,”what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” really holds water!

Sue - the book just basically mentioned that if your spouse was CAUGHT in the affair, it most likely won’t end abruptly. The affair has to die it’s own natural death. So, basically there is a big difference if they confess or if they are discovered. And, my H was discovered by me both times. And yes, the book absolutely says it has to END ASAP.

Marlene - must be something about Labor Day Weekend! Ha! that was the turning point for us too :)

]]> By: MS http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-790 MS Thu, 25 Jan 2007 15:26:06 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-790 Marlene, glad you found us, funny, I was just going to say lets move to next blog section since this one is getting so long. 36yrs married? Wow! I've been married 12 yrs this June and am 38, H is 38 also. I have told my husband that while I know he feels his youth fading and isn't dealing with the aging process well(he feels out of shape, needs to lose a little weight, has a few aches and pains, chronic heartburn etc) I cannot stick around and let my life stay on hold for a man that may just say to hell with it and leave anyway a few years down the road. I'm only 38 and I still could meet someone and be married for 40 yrs to someone else. I told him last night that his "longing" for her that causes him anxiety is really beginning to urke me and while I am glad he told me about his feelings, a big step for us, I am concerned he is getting "stuck" in this cycle and I can't do this forever. Either the cycle has to break or we do. I'm not sure what kind of deadline to put on myself. How long do I allow him to grieve, feel, long for her? He says it's different, not that he wants to be with her or anything, just thinks about her, good and bad and what he did to both of us and puts him in a panic. Now I am a rational person, realistic even, I know that he isn't just going to turn this off like a faucet, but if he was truely happy with me and being home, don't ya all think he would just be at least indifferent to her by now. They haven't had a physical relationship, meaning sex, since June I think, so what is the draw to her. She isn't anything special to look at, and from what he says she complains alot about her family and always has a problem. Maybe that's it? He likes to be her helper. Give her advice, and she listens. I'm not giving up on us, I think that counseling is helping, but I have wasted a year of my life now, on this crap and I want more from life and love. I don't want a divorce, but I want the man I married. I told my H last night I didn't really know him anymore. I mean I know his likes and dislikes, the things that please him, and irritate him, but I don't really KNOW his values anymore, his philosophy on life, he plans for the future. I thought I did, but since all this, I see we must have very different views on marriage, fidelity, family etc. The really important issues. We need to be on the same page with this stuff or what is there to fight for? I hope to see you all in chat soon, it's so good to share this all with people who understand. Take good care, MS Marlene, glad you found us, funny, I was just going to say lets move to next blog section since this one is getting so long. 36yrs married? Wow! I’ve been married 12 yrs this June and am 38, H is 38 also. I have told my husband that while I know he feels his youth fading and isn’t dealing with the aging process well(he feels out of shape, needs to lose a little weight, has a few aches and pains, chronic heartburn etc) I cannot stick around and let my life stay on hold for a man that may just say to hell with it and leave anyway a few years down the road. I’m only 38 and I still could meet someone and be married for 40 yrs to someone else. I told him last night that his “longing” for her that causes him anxiety is really beginning to urke me and while I am glad he told me about his feelings, a big step for us, I am concerned he is getting “stuck” in this cycle and I can’t do this forever. Either the cycle has to break or we do. I’m not sure what kind of deadline to put on myself. How long do I allow him to grieve, feel, long for her?

He says it’s different, not that he wants to be with her or anything, just thinks about her, good and bad and what he did to both of us and puts him in a panic. Now I am a rational person, realistic even, I know that he isn’t just going to turn this off like a faucet, but if he was truely happy with me and being home, don’t ya all think he would just be at least indifferent to her by now. They haven’t had a physical relationship, meaning sex, since June I think, so what is the draw to her. She isn’t anything special to look at, and from what he says she complains alot about her family and always has a problem. Maybe that’s it? He likes to be her helper. Give her advice, and she listens.

I’m not giving up on us, I think that counseling is helping, but I have wasted a year of my life now, on this crap and I want more from life and love. I don’t want a divorce, but I want the man I married. I told my H last night I didn’t really know him anymore. I mean I know his likes and dislikes, the things that please him, and irritate him, but I don’t really KNOW his values anymore, his philosophy on life, he plans for the future. I thought I did, but since all this, I see we must have very different views on marriage, fidelity, family etc. The really important issues. We need to be on the same page with this stuff or what is there to fight for? I hope to see you all in chat soon, it’s so good to share this all with people who understand. Take good care, MS

]]> By: Shennie http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-788 Shennie Thu, 25 Jan 2007 13:54:16 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/12/28/infidelity-quickie-3-the-surface-stroke-is-killing-me-and-my-trust/#comment-788 i am going to write on the title above this a future tinged with hope as it seems thats where most are and this one is getn long again. i am going to write on the title above this a future tinged with hope as it seems thats where most are and this one is getn long again.

]]>