I see pain, hurt, faith, hope, Love and despair all rolled into 1.. The human spirit is an amazing thing, you all are truely amazing..

Just like you guys, I got hurt too!!

I hope I dont waffle and I apologise if I do..

My story, I met my wife 14 yrs ago, she was 19yrs old, involved with a abusive man, she had a child to him, he was only a baby, we met and became friends, we used to talk all the time and we just became true friends, looking back now I think I did! The friendship was pure and platonic..

I discovered that a couple of years before we met, she was living in the US and was raped, she never seeked help/therapy etc.. and now she was in an abusive relationship, he beat her n stuff!!

I asked her to leave him and she was attached because of the child, they got married and we lost touch.. I recieved a phone call a few years later and she called me an she had a 2nd child but had finaly left him, we resumed our friendship and we fell in love, we got married and that was about 10yrs ago..

I’m waffling I’m sorry, we have had a lot of problems, interfering families, pysch baggage, our eldest son was diagnosed witha form of “Mental Illness” I was bankrupt cause of the pressures of the illness and heaps of other things happened all the way… I took on the two kids as my own as the biological dad didnt want anything else to do with them..

I absolutely adorred this girl/woman but we had a lot of hardships, I used to call them invisible demons etc… But I never gave up, lost the house I owned, lost the great job(s) I held, lost my family cause they didnt want me to be with her, I sacrificed so much, I would’ve lost 10 fold more, just so we could be together..

My wife decided to go back to the US for a holiday, we live in Australia, where she met her childhood sweet heart, this was the guy she was dating prior to getting raped, she left the Us after the incident, never told him why etc etc..

While she was there soul searching where her life is at etc.. She decided to sleep with him, I was back home looking after the kids (my 2 sons) Upon her return, I knew something was wrong, just not sure what, I work in IT and was setting up her Laptop she got from the US to Aussie standards, I found a letter she had written to him, it explained everything that had happened, I confronted her, I was hurt, I wasnt mean or angry, I was just hurt, we went thru so much over the last years, we were ment to be unbreakable..

She said it was something she had to do, he was an untainted part of her life, and after she left the US she met her ex who abused her etc etc.. So he was the last person she feels she felt “whole” with.. she said it was a mistake and that we would work through our marriage and go back to basics, we were always the best of friends, and we wanted to start again, I was willing, anyway over the months, she kept recieving text messages via her Cell phone, and she would be on her email constantly, everytime I asked she would deny it, saying I’m sorting my self out etc..

I hacked her computer cause I just couldnt handle it and I found correspondence of a sexual nature, and the affair was still going, I was so upset I said I would leave, I just felt for the kids as they love and adore me..

I said I would hang around and help with the transition, so she wouldnt be left out in th lurch… but we have been spending a lot of time together as friends, and I am learning so much more about our history, she has a lot of demons she is carrying and she will commence therapy/councelling…

She has asked for time, but she is still in touch with him, she says the relationship is not like it was before…he is somebody she has admitted she has feelings for but she says she loves me and wants us to work but right now she needs to sort herself out, What do I do

E

My wife is an addict. She had been addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs for over 7 years. She recently had an incident that got her agree to go to rehab which is something both her therapist and myself have been trying to convince her to do for some time.

After rehab, she starting talking to two people she met there regularly. I was under the guise that they were just friends who shared a life changing experience and they needed to support each other in their recovery. Well of course it was more than that. She started to visit one of them occasionally. I eventually discovered that they became physical.

I freaked. Here I am, the devastated husband of an addict where my life has sucked for so long due to her addiction, and she replaces the high with an emotional and a physical affair happening at the same time.

She is working her recovery and I’m working mine. It’s tough though knowing what happened. She is not ready to try to reconcile since her main focus is her sobriety (she is sober now for about 100 days).

She was looking haggard when she was using. Now that she is healthy, she is the beautiful woman that I fell in love with and married 19 years ago. Mentally and emotionally she is simply still not there. I understand that this is part of early recovery but in the meantime I feel that my life is on hold.

I go to Al-anon and see a therapist but each day is still a struggle.

The contact with the people was getting out of hand. At the urging of her therapist, we had her cell and our home phone numbers changed. The contact appeared to have stopped. Two days ago, we got a call from one of them on the home phone which by the way is unlisted. I freaking again, fearfull that my wife will not be able to not answer the phone.

I know life is not supposed to be easy but it’s hell right now.

We’ve been separated since February. We’ve been talking since his death, but as you can imagine, the conversation is timid and cautious on both sides. I’ve asked her to have dinner with me, and she says she’d like to, but won’t commit to a date at this time.

I have been empathizing so much it’s ridiculous. I have avoided being angry, accusatory, judgemental and the like. I guess that’s kept her and I talking.

Has anyone else dealt with this scenario? I would love to hear anyone’s advice. I know she is in mourning and depression. She’s lost a lot of weight. She has cried over the situation during our recent conversations.

Given that she failed to resuscitate him, how does that exacerbate the depression and mourning? How long can I expect her to feel this way? How can I rekindle the love that we once shared? It’s only been two months. Is it too soon for me to try to take steps — baby steps — to reconcile? Or, even reiterate how I feel about her?

I would appreciate hearing from anyone who’s experienced this.

Wow what a question. Sometimes I really think that I don’t want my marriage to come back together and only really want to know that my wife feels the same pain inside that she has put me through.

Other times I want to forgive her and everyone involved so I can let go of the terribly toxic feelings that go hand in hand with holding a grudge.

Truth be told I would probably be inwardly happy if her paramour suddenly died and maybe even a little disappointed that I didn’t have something to do with it.

We are possessive creatures after all and these spouses have promised themselves to us thus creating a sort of ownership for lack of a better word. Not ownership of them as a person but ownership of the dream that was us together forever.

If you want to save your marriage then the answer is simple. Make yourself available to her and empathize whenever possible. I don’t think that you would be a lessor person though if you found some inner satisfaction in the demise of your spouses paramour though. I really think I would.

Being a civilized and morale society prevents us from creating this circumstance with our own hands but taking some sort of satisfaction just in the irony I don’t think would be unhealthy.

In some societies in the world even today it is still legal and morally acceptable to have done him in yourself you know.

Not much of an answer, but man, I think that I just might wish I had your problems.

Evan