My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her “out of his system” and to give him some time. How do you handle that?
My Response:
Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.
For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone…which means I can’t stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.
Affairs also lolly gag for those who are “in love”…and just love being “in love” or My Marriage Made me Do it.
So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don’t have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.
So, let’s assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:
1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don’t make them ultimatums. You don’t want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: “This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand.”
2. “Get at” the specific issues. Ask, “What does it mean to “get it out of your system?” What are a couple or three things you need to “get it out of your system?” (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)
3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. “Is he/she controlling you?” (very often the case). “Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?” “Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?” “Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?” Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.
4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, “I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me.”
5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.
6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.
Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don’t go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.
Related posts:
- Infidelity Q&A #3: Can I Stop the Affair? Your infidelity questions answered by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity...
- How Do Affairs Stop? Case studies are given depicting the scenarios in which an...
- Marital Infidelity: The Other Person Doesn’t Care About You Confronting the other man or confronting the other woman may...
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- Stop Doing That Which Doesn’t Work Breaking free from the affair often means stopping seemingly natural...
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November 11th, 2006 at 12:46 pm
My husband has been in an affair since I was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child. we have only the one and his affair is with a former friend of mine. She went after him although i blame them both equally. He confessed almost 3 months ago. The affair has been going on for almost 2 1/2 years. We tried for a few weeks but he contacted her again. I guess my upset and his missing her was too much for him. He lived here for a little over another month until 2 weeks ago and he packed a bag and left to stay with her. He says he needs to sort out his feelings for me. He thought he didn’t care about me and now realizes he does but he is still living there. We are still close friends with daily contact and are affectionate and intimate. I am in counseling but don’t know what to do on a daily basis. I want to give him the time but my pride and heart are hurting. I don’t know what to do.
November 11th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
Needs time to get her out of his system?……That’s simply a very old line which actually translates into: They need time to change their M.O. and better cover their tracks.
It more “importantly”, buys both of them more time to develop THEIR relationship while offering their respective marriages only superficial lies and
deceit. Then they both eventually claim the affair is over and the spouse believes them…..Till STD’s
emerge
Would rather see some constructive advice as to how to demonstrate trust while avoiding sexually transmitted diseases. If the innocent spouse requests condoms, he/she is accused of “not being forgiving/trusting” Not serious about working on the marriage or worse: perhaps being unfaithful.
Must an innocent spouse contract AIDS in order to prove something to the cheating spouse?
November 11th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
I’ve been living this roller coaster ride for almost a year now. We still live together, but my husband keeps his secret relationship with the OW.
Lately I’ve realized that I have never gotten a straight answer to my questions. It is as if he’s leading a double life- even to the point where I get the same present as the OW gets….
I’ve crossed a few dark valleys and I am prepared to cross a few more. About a week ago I decided not to fight it anymore. Things are the way things are. No use to pretend that there will be a solution any time soon. I decided to have my own “good-bye” party. I cried and mourned and drank some good wine and decided to let him go. Not that I want a divorce right now, but in my mind, in my heart and in my soul I need to let him go. There is life out there, there is support out there (I just have to find it)and I’m determined to reclaim some of it and become the best person I’m meant to be with or without him.
November 11th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
Hurting,
My heart breaks for you. I’ve been in the same position and no matter HOW you cut it – IT HURTS!
However, at some point in time you have to start taking care of yourself and your child and making decisons based on what it RIGHT for you!
Surround yourself with SUPPORTIVE friends and family who will allow you to just talk AND be honest with you. Once you’ve had a chance to try and get your feet on the ground again, listen to your support system and your heart. Sometimes people outside of the situation SEE things much more clearly and its VITAL that you listen to them with an open mind. Let them play “Devil’s Advocate” if you will.
For me there was no question that I would ever take him back (multiple affairs during our entire marriage and before…that I had no idea of) but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times of exteme hurt and pain. A marriage has died and needs to be mourned just as you would mourn any death in your life.
What I have a little trouble understanding is that you still consider yourself “close friends” with him who have “daily contact and are affectionate and intimate”……this man has been having an affair w/a former friend of yours! Other than the contact you must have because you have a child together…WHY would you want to be friends with someone who has betrayed you and continues to betray you?
He says he needs to “sort out his feelings” for you?? Sort out YOUR own feelings…..USE your support system…and MOVE ON! Waiting for him to come back and resume whatever type of relationship you had (WHY would you want to do that??)is a precious waste of your life!! YOU DECIDE what is to happen! This is YOUR LIFE you are speaking about and YOU have the right to reach out and decide what is best for YOU!! Based on what is best for you and your child.
He ISN’T WORTH the agony you are putting yourself through! Take steps to get your life back on track! Stop waiting around for a loser to come back and take advantage of you again! He gave no thought to breaking your wedding vows and pleasing himself – while you were home taking care of his child and his home.
Stay in counseling (if you are comfortable w/the counselor..if not – FIND ANOTHER! bad counseling is worse than none at all!!) Go and see a lawyer and find out what your rights are! Find out EXACTLY what you should do NOW to protect yourself and your child. It will give you something constructive to do and will save you HOURS of hassle should you decide to proceed w/divorce.
I divorced my husband after nearly 29 years of marriage. I truely never thought it would come to that – and fought like a tiger to keep the marriage going. UNTIL I found out that he was cheating. For me there were two things that I would never tolerate – and could never forgive….cheating or abuse.
It was a long and difficult 2 1/2 years between seperation and divorce – and I made ALOT of mistakes along the way – in a legal sense – BUT it was the best decison I’ve made in 25 years! I know you may not believe it now…(I didn’t either in the throws of seperation and divorce) BUT you will be HAPPY again!! I am…and once I threw him out – I never looked back! I’m happier than I’ve been in years…and so are my kids!
HANG IN THERE! Best of luck…God Bless
November 11th, 2006 at 1:28 pm
I have been married for 19 years. I found out two years ago that my husband was secretly calling a friend of mine. He promised to stop calling and he did it again, then I got his phone records and he did it a third time. We split up and I took him back. After three months I found a different phone he was hiding that he used just to call her. He finally admitted to sleeping with her. I have since separated and he bought a condo because he refused to talk about divorce. We are still separated and I have found out that he still calls and sees her. You are so young. Get out while you can. I hate to say this but once a cheat, most likely always a cheat. Sorry.
November 11th, 2006 at 1:29 pm
My husband started up an affair with a woman he had a 2 night stand with in college. He left his college town to come back to me and we eventually got married. He has been in contact with this woman a few times during our marriage of 10 yrs then during the 11th year they began an affair. I have read the emails and she was very blunt about what she wanted, just to be his mistress when he was on the road traveling. Well it went on that way for 5 or 6 months then I had our 6th child and he took a new position inhis company that meant little or no travel. They however continues their affair and 6 months later I found a text on his phone, “Missing you”. That was 4 mos ago and they are still seeing eachother, texting everyday, emailing, calling, etc. He has spent 3 weekends with her since I found out. She lives on the east coast and we live in the midwest. Our relationship has gotten better but he is refusing to give her up and doesn’t want to leave our marriage either. I had not kept to the remaining the constant, remaining calm, and had just been getting angrier and angrier and now I have decided to take the high road and be more happy on a daily basis. I had been protecting him from my feelings by just getting angry instead, I have now let him in and told him and showed him how painful this is to me. I had been seeing a IC but felt I had done all I could with her until I made a decision about what I wanted to do, and I am not prepared for that. I have let go of the anger toward him, though some things he has said to me replay over and over in my head and they make me angry, but what I cannot get over is the anger and hatred toward her. I actually hope I never do.
November 11th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
Dear hurting
just move on and do your own thing, if you are pregnant and he is putting you through this now imagine what hell do when your not carrying his child. The best thing for you to do is move forward at least there is only one child what will happen if you take him back and there are more children down the road at least you have a chance to start fresh with someone. You are worth more than that and someone will see that, maybe if you showed and interest in someone else or something else you wont appear needy to him because you are giving him too much power by being affectionate with him and he prob is with her too so he has the best of both worlds dont give him that power he doesnt deserve it let her have him he willprob do the same to her one day too and you deserve better and now is your chance to do it for yourself. I was left with 6 so you dont want to end up in that position because chances are if you stay with him you will. Have faith in yourself that you are better than that. Chin up and move forward and fill your life with things that make you happy during this time and keep the power in your own backyard
November 11th, 2006 at 2:12 pm
Hurting, So sorry. My H says he realized when I was pregnant with our only child that “I didn’t love him like he loved me.” He shared that information on the day he told me “The passion is gone. I only want to wait until [son] is out of the house and then I plan to move out and live on my own.”
There was an other woman and there still is.
He wasn’t ready to break off all contact until after I served him divorce papers and he had paid a deposit on an apartment.
At that time, he had become so heartless and cold that I refused his offer to never see the OW or her family again.
It is painful now, we’re nearly divorced, but it isn’t as agonizing as when we lived in the same house and he was on the phone with her from 5:45 a.m. and through the day until midnight.
Your husband is fence sitting and cake eating. I know exactly the degree of pain. Wish I had something helpful for you.
November 11th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
I believe when someone is pursued, they only run faster. He knows he has you BOTH. I know it’s hard [I've been dealing with my husband having an affair for 4 years. I've moved out twice and couldn't stop doing what you're doing...daily contact, being available whenever he wants, intimacy, etc. - fear of pushing him away and him choosing the OP - WRONG!] So WHY would your husband HAVE to make a decision? He has both a wife and a girlfriend and is probably very happy having 2 women catering to his every need. My advice is to NOT do what I’ve done – the pain is only prolonged. Don’t answer his calls, don’t answer the door if he comes over, don’t be available … always have plans with a girlfriend, parents, etc. Don’t try to make him think You have found someone else – keep YOUR standards high. Don’t be mean – just DON’T BE AVAILABLE! A person always wants what he can’t have! Let him think that you CAN live without him – even if that’s not what you believe. Keep strong!
November 11th, 2006 at 2:41 pm
My husband also cheated on me after 9 years being together, I found out 3 months after he said he’s not happy in the relationship anymore. He denied having someone else, but I found out through his cell phone that he’d sent a lot of intimate messages. She knew that he was still married to me. He was planning to move in with her as her tenant in the basement suite, and he told me that she was only gonna be his landlord. But he couldn’t deny it once I told him that I read their messages to each other. He left that night and moved in with her 3 days later. I personally think that he is a very selfish man by leaving his wife and kids for another woman. For what? Being with someone else and raising her kids as his own, while his own kids are with his wife and only have his kids every second weekend? I don’t get it. I will not want to live with someone who is that selfish, so he did me a favour by leaving me. I know for fact that things happen for reasons. Whatever happened to me in the past, it made me a stronger person and good things always happened to me everytime, although at the time I felt miserable. So to women out there whose husbands cheated on them, don’t worry… things will be better and good things will happen to you. Please do not tolerate his behaviour and be strong.
November 11th, 2006 at 3:36 pm
As soon as I drew the line and said that he could do what he wants to do, but eventually, I am going to have enough and then I’m going to do what I need to do for me and for the kids the whole situation changed for the better.
The more that I catered to him and “tried” to understand him and be his friend and support him through HIS difficult emotions, feelings, and needs, the more he kept me at a distance and kept contact with OW.
When I changed that to making him responsible for his own actions and choices, and voiced that there will come a point that I will not tolerate it any longer and that I will make changes and decisions on my own, he gradually stopped talking to her altogether to include avoiding her on his own. (It was an emotional affair that had just started to become somewhat phsyical — kissing — through work.)
Once I let him know there will come a point, he wanted to know exactly what that point was. Why? So that he could do anything/everything UP TO that point and still have things go his way. I refused to tell him what that point was. I refused to give him a deadline, or to tell him what exactly was going to be the line in the sand, or what would end it for me. Honestly, I didn’t know myself. But, I did know myself enough to know that once I reached that point, I would know it and go forward with my life on my own.
He knew me enough to know that by not giving him an answer to his question, I was serious and he would lose me. Once he had to face the thought of losing me, his family, his comfortable atmosphere, his life as he knew it, then the prospect of a life unknown held much less appeal then it did while he was still safe in his own environment.
One year later … SHE still tries contact with him through work every few months, HE doesn’t allow it. There are times when he is in a situation with others around where she initiates conversation with him, he leaves it at business and takes himself away from the situation as soon as he can. He doesn’t understand why he even contemplated leaving, only that there were other things going on with him, and us (his health … young, active 35, and diagnosed with a lifetime illness that will get worse with time and having a young toddler that took up my time and energy), that we have since recognized so they are no longer an issue. Not only was I of the opinion that he would never have done something like that, but … so was he. However, neither of us was very educated on what a relationship was really about either. While we are both in our late 30s, we were pretty stupid on that end. Our relationship is much better and stronger now than it was not only before the EA, but before we got married, after we got married, etc. because now we know what we cannot do and things that we need to continue to do to ensure both of our EMOTIONAL NEEDS are always taken care of. Before affair, neither of us had any concept of what an emotional need was, or that both parties could have a total different need than the other.
If you are in this situation, you cannot allow yourself to be a doormat. Take pride in yourself, stand up for yourself. Doesn’t mean that you have to be a mean person to the one you love, or feel is your best friend, it just means that you have to allow them to see what life would be without you, or in a different environment from what they are comfortable in.
As long as you allow them to stay comfortable, they will never make a change and the situation will remain as is.
November 11th, 2006 at 4:32 pm
I need advice and support on how I can become detached from my husband while we continue to live together. And has anyone has success after her husband’s multiple backslides – meaning he finally did stop all contact with OW? If so, was there something you did or did not do that helped get him there? And how do you know he isn’t just getting better at covering his tracks?
For over 3 years my 63 year old husband has been involved in a mostly emotional long distance affair with a woman our daughter’s age who has bilked us of a lot of money, which of course we have to report on our income taxes, an additional pain for me. He has had a very limited amount of sex with her, but enough that he now has Genital Herpes. He sees my pain and he repeatedly promises he has ended all contact, but then just tries another method of deceit. My situation is further complicated because he has a very serious illness. In the last 2 years I have moved him out twice, each time within a few days he was asking me to take him back. Each time I refused for 6-8 weeks telling him to be very certain what/whom he wants. Please understand that I did not agree to take him back on a whim, we used a written contract for the terms of reconciliation, which he breached as soon as he moved back home. He plays off his back foot telling himself since he continues to call her then he must truly love her. Multiple counselors haven’t helped him because he lies to them too and then stops appointments when each has cornered him. I have tried every book and every professional’s theory to care for myself and to have my behavior impact his behavior – being patient; using tough love; setting boundaries; being unavailable…you name it. For the last few months I have told him he really should go be with her and let her take care of him. He insists he wants to stay with me and rebuild our relationship, but what he really wants is for me to ignore the affair while providing him everything I alway provide as an attractive, adoring and attentive spouse. I feel like “an enabler” to his fantasy life. My moving out is inadvisable for legal and financial reasons, which brings me back to seeking your advice on being detached while being present. Please send me your thoughts on how I can get there?
November 11th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
You want to stay with a man who abuses you like this? The reason he cannot stop is because the sex is so good with this other person. He is not going to go on the spiritual path when his physical lust overrules his ego.
Dump him. He is not going to stop until you throw him out and initial a divorce. He will come crying back and swear it is over, but a cheater always cheats. If he stays with you, he will dream of being with other women. Raise your self esteem, honey, and end this tragic painful trap that you are in.
When you close this door, new ones, in time will open for you.
I am sorry for this pain, but the more you listen to his excuses, and allow him to stay, the more he will continue to abuse you. This is abusive.
Lin
November 11th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
In my case, he claimed all he’d have to do is spend one day talking with her in some public place, he’d have his “closure” (whatever that means!) and that would be the end of their contact. One year later, they’re still exchanging syrupy emails & IM’s. Arrgghhh!!! He’s finally been issued an ultamatim: her or me. How this pans out remains to be seen. Prayers, thoughts & good energy are welcome!
November 11th, 2006 at 7:17 pm
It’s comforting to know I’m not the only person feeling this hurt. My wife has had an affair with an old high school friend for 18 months now. It’s been in the open for 8 months. We have been married 13 years and have 3 children together. I am not living at home right now.
It’s been difficult to say the least. I don’t and never have wanted a divorce and she say’s the same. I think the biggest problem for me isn’t the affair itself, that she is adamant is not being pursued for sex, but some other uncomprehendable and undefined reason, but rather the lies and dishonesty surrounding the affair.
I’m a good looking guy, if I do say so myself, I have a great job (cop), wonderful children and high self esteem. I do and have, ALWAYS, legitimately loved my wife. She is more then a person to me but a dream that I have that occupies my time on this earth until the end. The thought of passing from this world one day and not having her beautiful brown eyes looking down on me, troubles me to very depths of my soul.
That being said, my biggest problem is not the physical act of the affair, not that it is acceptable and doesn’t hurt me, but the level of disrespect a person must demonstrate in order to initiate, participate in and maintain an affair. She is a solid type #7,(can’t stand intimacy)and I would just like to be valued and respected enough for a decision to be made.
If her paramour is sufficiently valued enough to risk our family and home, then embrace it allready. Not doing so is unfair and makes it difficult for someone who is trying to believe in you. It’s just plain wrong as everyone reading this surely knows. Take a stab at making this relationship work with the O/P. Go be happy. Have fun.
Thats really what this is all about after all. Our marriage has leveled, as all mariages do, with responsibility and child raising, careers etc., and will have ups and downs. What the affair provides is a sence of excitement and chemical changes in the brain and body that come with new relationships.
Fine, go, do, live and enjoy. If you are to weak minded to be able to control these feelings and do what is needed to re-awaken them in your own marriage then so be it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it or embrace it.
You should at least, as the weak minded person you have shown yourself to be, have enough love and respect for your husband or wife to give them direction in their lives when they are trying so desperately to find it for themselves and are not able to get off center for themselves.
That’s my problem in a nutshell. I love her and keep trying to believe because I can’t get off center. I want my marriage and haven’t been able to let go. Show some pride in yourself women and you let me go. I will cry. I will mourn. I will stand up and live again.
If you don’t love me enough to stop this insanity then at least love me enough to let me go. Who do you think you are to continue to lie and cheat on someone who loves you so much and has for so long. I haven’t been able to let go of you because I love you. You haven’t been able to stop or let go of me, not because you don’t love me, but because you don’t respect me enough to make a decision.
What God has put together, let no man seperate. Both of you will surely have to answer for this one day on another level that is just to scary to contemplate.
What kind of a man is this anyway. He has been the O/P for 18 months knowing that you have a husband and children who will never embrace him. How could they. You have destroyed any chance of ever having a healthy family with this O/P as well with your lies so why prolong the inevitable.
The only issue before you is, Do You Want to Save Your Marriage. If NO, then let go. If you don’t know then care enough to go anyway. If YES, then what the heck are you waiting for.
Evan
November 11th, 2006 at 8:24 pm
I’ve been marrried 25 years, 4 years ago my hisband got in touch wit his old high school girlfriend and went as far as going cross to the west coast to see her and they became sexual active. he brought her a ring for Christmas and has lied to me about other times he has seen her. I am done. The thought of potentially exposing me to std’s and even aids. Suddenly there are people in my life that I don’t even know to me he has no value for my life. If he was to screw up his that’s one thing but when to take MY life and play rulette. I am not dealing with a caring , loving person.. I am dealing with a selfish, inconsiderate, mean individual who is not worth a any tear I may cry.. I trusted him and look where it got me. I never once went out of my marriage. I took my vows seriously. The only thing I got out of my marriage was 3 wonderful children. I hope he gets what he deserves.
November 11th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
After finding out about my husband’s affair 6 months ago — with a woman half his age, I have finally told him to just go. Don’t call me, don’t ask to see me. This affair has been going on for 1-year now. He does business out of our hometown where we have another house and that is where he meets her when she is on a break from University. I finally have closure and feel at peace with myself. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know it will not hold a future where I am being treated like garbage, lied to, deceived and betrayed. My counselor has suggested a book called, “Rebuilding.” I feel such a wonderful sense of relief that this is finally over for me. He asked if I would consider talking to him about “us” if he can bring closure to the affair. I will see what stage I am at in my life at that time — go guarantees, no promises. My heart goes out to everyone who is going through this right now. May peace be with you all.
November 11th, 2006 at 11:23 pm
Dear Evan,
I say “ditto” to every word of your remarks. So far as I know, my husband’s “emotional affair” began around this time last year, while I was pregnant with our first child. Your thoughts echo mine. I don’t wish to be strung along. I’ve tried a few of Dr. Bob’s strategies and feel a bit of progress has been made. Even if it doesn’t work out, I know I feel stronger and more in control. I will no longer mope! I’m strong and will get through this with or without him.
I’ve known about the OP for almost 6 months now and sex or not it’s hell. The lies and deceit are what kill me. Not knowing some of the details is still eating at me. I’m not sure I believe him that it hasn’t gone beyond kissing so I’m doing the responsible thing and will have myself checked.
I’ve been feeling close to saying “I’m done”. It’s nearing time to draw my line in the sand. I need to stand up for me because no one can do it for me. I want to be a mom my son can be proud of, not a doormat. Before, the thought of losing him was too scary to think about. Now, continuing my life as is, is scarier than starting over. Also, the thought of anyone finding out was too humiliating to imagine. Now, I could care less about keeping his dirty little secret away from ANYONE. When I tell him this, I know that it will shake him to his core – just like my discovery of this relationship shook me to mine.
Chin up everyone! May we all find more peace each day.
Elizabeth
November 12th, 2006 at 1:59 am
I don’t know how you all have lasted so long! That is what scares me to death. Staying in this hell any longer than necessary. I ‘knew’ for 2 months (it turns out 1 month after the affair really hit its stride) before I truly knew. I confronted…my intuition was there…but that was it. No hard facts, and all easily reasoned away. I’ve known for over 2 months now. Told him to move out after 2 weeks. He did and moved in with her. She is almost 20 years younger and we have a 20 year relationship. I know her, and have met her since. There is no question in my mind that they will crash and burn, but so what? If they continue to hold on that means nothing to me and my kids. We have to move on.
He continues to be a true mess. Most of what he says and does borders on crazy. Noone is our lives can believe this has happened to us. Clearly we missed the signs. We are doing all that I can think of in hopes of the chance to work at our family, but he is totally driven by her. I’m contstantly moving toward being ‘done’. I have to for my own sanity and the sake of our kids. How can I be a role model if I allow myself to be treated this way? He is loving and caring in front of the kids (and otherwise), but that is equally confusing….let’s face it, actions speak the loudest and who is he spending his nights with?
The kids know the situation……turns out they ‘knew’ before I did. What gets me is not the trust (that is a real issue), but the lack of respect for me, our kids, and the bond we’ve had for 20 years. He is a true wreck, but is so afraid of being alone that I believe this will continue because he sees no out. There, of course, is so much more to the story. The bottom line is that if I don’t move on, I am allowing him not to either…….never mind the internal damage to myself and subsequent damage to our kids.
My current hell is how to break away from our relationship and the comfort of the friendship while allowing the kids to get what they need from him. I truly feel crazy myself at times. But as I said……..how have you all done it for so long? I can’t imagine and am afraid of living this way another 2 months from now…….never mind a year! Is there anyone out there who feels the ambivelence, but has taken the steps knowing that they must live? I know some of you have, but it seems it took longer and I wonder if I am being rash or smart. Feelings are feelings and we can’t barrel through them. However, we have to go through them..no getting around them, try as we might. I’ve been put in this situation and have no choice. I want to save the marriage if I can, but move on if I can’t……..and all without delay. I know. Two opposing views. HELP!!!! The misery is unbearable.
November 12th, 2006 at 2:14 am
Evan, I understand perfectly. Your words are so well spoken and heartfelt. My situation is exactly the same. Husband on the fence, can’t make a decision, lies and deceit for so long I can’t remember when I was a happy and confident woman. After 20 years and 17 being married, 3 children, he is ready to throw his family away. The OP has already gotten a divorce and has two children. How can my husband throw his own children away and raise someone else’s? He has moved out to live with a friend and is seeing her more than us. My heart tells me to hang in there and he will come around. My head says file papers to protect us. I too, cannot imagine leaving this world without him. At some point, I know the hurt will be so bad it will be replaced with anger. Maybe that is a good thing as it will help push us forward. I pray he comes to his senses and gets over this midlife crisis. Says he loves me and is sorry. Not sorry enough to end the affair. We had such a good marriage before he met her. We are both in therapy. I hope some good comes out of this because the kids are really hurting and acting out. I am left with kids, bills, the house, no job while he has a career, girlfriend, no responsibilities. People that do this are so SELFISH.
November 12th, 2006 at 3:16 am
My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8 of those. We have 2 children 7 and 15. I recently found out about a women at his work he has been talking to on his cell phone. I never really worried about her because she was older and had been married for 20 years and goes to church every time the doors are open. What a fool I was! He wanted to seperate before I found out about all the calls and emails to see if he still was in love with me. He had fallen out of love with me, he said. This women works with him, right by his side, he says he’s not in love with her and they are just friends. It is just someone for him to talk to because he has no family or friends here to talk too. That is true, we live in TN and his family is from TX and he has no friends. He’s not really a nice guy. We have not had a great marriage but it’s not been all bad either. We both have out faults in the marriage, to have caused all of this but now it’s time to make a real decision. He does’nt know if he wants to work the marriage out or leave and he is still calling her, he says the friendship will die out on it’s own if I would just let it but I want him to stop all contact outside of work.
I have been thru the hurt and pain and I’m willing to forgive him and work on the marriage but he’s not sure if he wants to. I have kicked him out once but let him come back and I want him to leave know if he does’nt want to stop calling her but he says lets get thru the holidays and see where we stand then. I told him I wanted to start the new year off together or get on with my life. He says lets prepare for the worst and hope for the best. We have had alot of really good moments and have been more playful and have had more sex than since I can remember. It all just does’nt make a whole lot of sense. I just don’t know what to think sometimes but the one thing I do know is that I am to good for this and I deserve better than a husband that calls other women, like he has been calling her. I can handle friendships but this is rediculous.
Any advice, please leave it!
Tracy
November 12th, 2006 at 3:52 am
My husband had an affair with a co-worker and it was going on almost 1-2 years from what I gather. We are still together but it was not easy. I was on an emotional rollercoaster. I didn’t like myself, who I was becoming, i felt like I was this poor little pathetic mother of three young children with no hope. He finally admitted to the affair(only after i caught him)and that he wanted his family. But, sad to say it did not go that easy. He still continued the affair at work because they were still co-workers and are still co-workers to this day. What bothers me the most is that I don’t have any way of knowing if it’s finally over or am I still being deceived. I can get past all that other stuff, but just don’t string me along and go to work and have your cake and ice cream and then come home and play daddy and husband. I don’t trust him again yet and that’s to be expected but the question still haunts me everyday of, “what’s going on at work”? I guess my question is can at work affairs truly end(even though you are seeing this person everyday) or are they just being more discrete and careful? I do know and believe that everything done in the dark shall come to light. Tring to stay strong!
November 12th, 2006 at 11:40 am
Tammy, read as much as you can about affairs. READ, READ, READ. There is information out there about affairs and how they are like addictions. More likely, your husband has not ended the affair because he is still seeing her every day. As an addiction, he cannot get away from it without extreme measures. My husband is an addictive personality and he is addicted to the OP. Please don’t fool yourself about this. I was fooled for a year thinking everything was back to normal. However, he had just become an expert in deceit. He has now left. I know this is extremely hard. My heart goes out to you. But please don’t be fooled. Dig around and find out what you can because you will have to face it eventually anyway. I hate to be negative, I just don’t want to see another person duped like I was. We have each other to lean on including friends and family.
November 12th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
Thank you for all your words and support. I too have told him I’m done and asked him if he is ready to let go because I refuse to continue like this. He says he thought he was ready to move on and that moving out would be the answer. He now realizes he is more unsure than ever. But is not ready to move back in, in case he flips and does it to me again. He says things are not all happy and sappy at the girlfriend’s apartment but in my opinion, it’s not so bad that he’s left either. He says he is miserable and conflicted. Well, now so am I. I have a life and a lot to offer. He told his therapist that I am attractive and intelligent and a great catch. Which scares him even more because he knows I am confident enough to move on but I want to give this ample time before I leave my marriage. I do love him.
I have my own business which I run from my home, college educated, fit and attractive, I am involved in the community through voluneertism, I have many friends, I dance competitively and am family focused. The OW has no friends, no education, 9 to 5 job with no room for advancement and has left her family. What mothers walks out on her kids. She does nothing except visit her kids and sit around the apartment looking at my husband watch television. Of course he’s not that happy. But I am ready to let him live in his own misery. I know I can survive, I just didn’t want to leave the man who has been my friend for 20 years behind to make the biggest mistake of his life. He is suffering from a mild depression and is in therapy. Do I wait it out to see if the therapy continues to help him or get out and save myself? I change my mind daily…
November 12th, 2006 at 1:21 pm
Hurting,
My message above was my first. I didn’t know where to start. I could have written your note myself. The only difference is the OP in my case is single, in her 20s and can’t wait to have that family. I think I’m taking the road of moving forward for myself in hopes that therapy will work for him in the meantime. However, I do think it is an addiction of sorts and I don’t know if he is strong enough to move on. He is in tremendous pain, but I won’t let that pain continue to be inflicted on myself and my children. But what a great life we could have if we had the opportunity to go forward……….it is so hard to lose my best friend.
November 12th, 2006 at 2:20 pm
I was told by my older sona bout my husbands affair after he moved out. I was shocked when he told me she was a stripper half his age and she had a 6 yr old son and is still married. We have a 5 yr old daughter and they both go to the same school and I am forced to see her ugly face everyday I pick my dughter up or drop her off in the morning. He ahd been seeing her for 6 months before he moved out and he has since moved back home 3 months ago. I feel more hatred toward her then him which I suppose is easy to do since we are back together. She knew about me and my daughter before it all happened and she has a history of doing this even at her young age. I don’t know if the affair has stopped my instincts say no but I have yet to see proof of this maybe I’m just paranoid. We are going to counseling and we have had some signs of improvement in our relationship but it is still very hard and I’m not so sure I can feel comfortable with him not knowing if it is truly over or not. He worls nights and is home so would have a hard time planning or fitting in time to see her. Please if anyone has any words of wisdom enlighten me…
November 12th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
When the one having the affair continually comes back and says how much they love us, they can’t imagine a life without us, etc., etc., we all need to take a step back and realize that it is just another form of manipulation. Yes the future is scary. But do we really want to have a future with someone who continually treats us like garbage? They don’t need to continue a relationship with the OP to sort out their feelings … that’s a croc. See them for what they are which is nothing less then immature, selfish, self-centered and arrogant. Best friend? Is this what you would normally look for in a best friend? Mourn the loss of what you once had, but it’s a new day. Who cares if he is in pain … he owns it, not you.
November 12th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Why do all the people that are willing to be loyal and faithful to their partners always end up with these cheaters? How did we get these jerks? I’m willing to move on and try to love again but how do I make sure I don’t end up with another cheater?
November 12th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
Elizabeth and Jean,
I find it profound how much having my comments responded to in this blog in a direct manner,use of my name, gives me a sence of belonging or membership.
I so appreciate your comments and draw strength from each knowing that I am not the only person in this world experiencing this chaos in my life. How sad that we have been forced to reach out to other human beings in this world to draw strength from since our hearts have been reduced to a status bordering upon non existence in our own marriages.
My hat is off to you both. You sound like strong minded and determined women and don’t forget, your not the one’s who are broken, they are. You love, you feel, you desire and you commit fully to something larger then your-selves. You care for the welbeing of your children and try to provide them with peace in the only world that they have known since their births. How lucky they are to have you.
There was life before this betrayal and there WILL be life after. Most of life is chance you know. From that first meeting to the traffic light that holds you an extra 5 minutes and completely changes your day.
Take a chance on yourselves. Live your lives day by day knowing that you will find happiness again. Just listening to your words assures me that there are women in this world who think as I do and if my spouse won’t get her butt off the fence I’m just going to have to stand up and go find one.
Children are strong. Much stronger then any of us. They take life one day at a time not thinking about tommorrow and I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from that.
So take a chance and lay down your pain for a minute. Stop thinking about tommorrow and see where life takes you. Who know’s, maybe life and Gods plan, in it’s so mysterios design will make our paths cross and we will find peace and harmony in our lives once again. We haven’t lost our spouses. We have lost ourselves and finding someone who reminds you daily that they love you not because of who you are together, but who you are as an individual, is the key to happiness.
These men are the losers not either of you. In the two minutes it took me to read your responses I was able to learn so much about you just because of your capacity to show empathy for another struggling human being.
Thank you. You have both made my day today much brighter knowing that there are women in this world with the capacity to love another person as much as I have loved my wife. Maybe it’s time for me to take my own advice.
Goodluck with all that you do and hope to do. You sound like wonderful women who deserve to have all their dreams come true.
Evan.
November 13th, 2006 at 9:46 am
To Evan
I know just how you feel about feeling I couldnt spend my life with any other person. Just like you it was a classic #7 and I had 6 children. Not only will this person play on the fact that you love them so much eventually they will use it against you. I was kept on a roller coaster ride for a year hearing nothing but I love you and cant live without you but I am so confused. This OP is 23yrs younger and was in her senior year of high school when he got her pregnant. Even after she had the child he still claimed they were just friends can you imagine. I believed in his lies to me so much I would have even raised this child for him with our own. I like you dont believe in divorce but sometimes you have no control over it anyway like it or not.
It has been 4 yrs since and they recently got married Im not especially happy for them for all I thought was mine ended up not being anything at all. You can feel all the deep love for another person like you do and I did but they probably dont for if they did they would not have done this in the first place. Please dont let yourself be on the same roller coaster ride as I did I still did it with much caution but it hurts more in the end. He turned around and said none of it was true all the things he told me I must have imagined. My kids did not even see him for 3 yrs while he was developing this new found life only to have him return and blame me and act like it was my fault all the wile claiming he is not perfect etc. Do yourself a huge favor this #7 is typical of a them coming and going and your chances of saving the marriage is low. I know you want it to work but she obviously doesnt feel like you mine said they did but didnt. Move on and all you can hope to find is someone like yourself, when you meet someone new find out why they got separated and you will know if they were genuine to marriage if not keep looking you dont want to end up with what you just got rid of. If your not careful that is what will happen. I am being very choosey about that and probably will take me some time to find that someone if ever, because there are very few of them out there, I respect your morals mine are the same and sadly sometimes they do you no good except to know that you are a good person inside. Chin up and move on you are worth it Evan
November 13th, 2006 at 9:55 am
To Terri Here here your message couldnt be truer it was right on the money
To Hurting I know what it is like to lose your best friend its like a death and it is. He will tell you he is not happy with the OP to keep you attached but that is not what he is telling the other person They confuse fact and fiction and they are weak and will keep you holding on with your love as long as they possibly can because they are weak and needy and greedy. They have little or no regard for you because it is all about them and will always be about them. Hang on to yourself it will be a tough ride if you keep the door open I did and it only prolonged my pain and has prevented me from healing properly . The truth besets the love you have I know it hurts but dont prolong what you know is true
November 13th, 2006 at 10:22 am
I totally agree with Used to Hurt. I’m at that point of no turning back now. It’s been a good two years with my husband’s lies and I can’t take any more. I’m just waiting to finish school. Praying that I do well so I can leave. Mid-life changes for $$ are not fun, but once accomplished, you feel wonderful!! I do things for me now. I really don’t care about him or her or anyone else he may pick up. i do get sad sometimes still and cry. I remember being where #1 Hurting is. It’s awful. All I can say is that get that support system going and time will help you. Get that counselor and keep going. Stick up for yourself and your child.
November 13th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
To Shennie, you are right. He is not telling the OW anything. They have discussed nothing. She is just happy he is there so she is not rocking the boat and he is happy to have a place to go where he is accepted and doesn’t need to feel the anxiety he feels when with me. Of course, I have told him that if she knew all the things he was doing and saying with me when he’s here, then there would be tension with her as well. So I am in a no win situation. I told him I can not pretend to be happy and calm like she does just to make him calm and feel more in love with me. I won’t compete. He says he sees things differently. He feels he is spending most of his time here with us (which he is) and that will help him. I feel it is giving him the best of both worlds but again I am afraid to close the door too soon. He said he doesn’t know if he’s lying to her, me or himseld. I think his feelings truly change daily if not hourly. I told him that he screwed this up, not me and if feels more loyalty to OW who doesn’t hold a candle to the integrity and loyalty of me , then don’t let the door hit you. I ask him what he is doing and all he can ever answer is “I don’t know what I’m doing, I need time to sort it out. It’s only been 2 weeks”. How do you know exactly what works or what to do. I think I need to let him think I am moving on so he can feel the pain of truly losing me. He said he doesn’t want me to move on but he knows it is unfair to ask me to wait. I’ve told him I want my marriage but won’t let myself be disrespected by his actions anymore. I need to keep the door open but my heart closed. Easier said then done…
November 13th, 2006 at 1:52 pm
Well I have been married 13 years and after confronting my husband he admitted to having an affair for the last 3 years. I threw him out and he came back after a week. Trusted and believed that he would let the OW go and make a try at our marriage she called and said he will not leave her alone. I threw him out again and he went and lived with her for 1 month. Left and got his own apartment which I helped him with and furnish from our home. After about a week he was spending more and more time at her house and got to the point that he was pretty much living there for the last couple of months. He still continued to see me and spend time with me until about three weeks ago. Said he was going to move in with her. Well I made a phone call to her telling her that he was still seeing me and being intimate with me. She threw him out of her house and now is back to his apartment. He is still kissing her butt and doing what he can for her. He got a DUI about a month ago and is now going through bankrupcy. I told him I was done and to leave me alone which I have done a dozen of times but he knows how much I love him and how weak I am and said he just has to get her out of his mind. He knows that she is physco, has cheated on him, and does not feel that it will work with her. He keeps me hanging on and is so jelous when I try to see other men, which I really don’t want to do at this point but it gets so lonely being by myself. He just won’t let me cut the strings and constantly text and phone me. I just don’t deserve this but it is so hard because I love him so much and keep believing his lies. This has been going on for the last 4 months. I really need help.
November 13th, 2006 at 1:57 pm
Wow, I can’t believe this. It’s like reading my own story, over and over. I literally sat here and said my God that is me! I want to know how to believe that this time he says it’s over, that it is really over? He is here with me and he kids and we are talking and sharing and he is being extremely transparent. He leaves his phone on and in plain view. He never says anything if I look at it. He has not done anything that I can question lately. I just am wondering if he is just better at hiding it now, because he knows I am on to him or if it’s really over and I need to accept it. He works with her so I can’t be there all day watching, but my gut instinct tells me to wait for a day when I am seriously suspicious and spy. How sick is that? How sick am I to contemplate that? I am so angry that they have driven me to a state of mind that makes me this insecure, irrational person. I resent her. Does anyone feel like they need to have a conversation with the OP in order to have closure for themselves? I do. I need to hear it from her. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just feel like if I knew from her mouth that it was over, then I would be at peace. I know she could lie to me, but she didn’t before. Actually, she is the one who told me the truth. I am so confused. I am so sorry to all of you that we have to be put in these situations. No one deserves this hell. No one.
November 13th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Dear Hurting
You are so right the Im moving on will work because your giving yourself back the power instead of giving it to him. I even tried to tell this girl the stuff he was saying to me about her and that he was leading me on she would not believe it or act on it because then she couldnt be his comforting factor and wasnt willing to lose by facing the truth. So she refused to believe anything and only what he told her which was a pack of lies constantly constradicting himself to both of us. She never saw herself that way but I know it was true. They are together to this day but I believe one day she will end up no where and will have sacrificed for a relationship built on truth. Just think of yourself because neither one of them will so only you can, I know its so easy to be tempted out of your love by chances are they are only stringing you along til they work it out and you dont want to be the goat because you will be hurt more , you deserve to be treated better.
November 13th, 2006 at 4:29 pm
I have just been through this – found out 9 months ago and he said he would stop the physical part of the relationship (and I was able to prove that he did) but that he needed to have her always in his life at some level – she was also married, since filed for divorce, husband supposedly abusive and had breast cancer – still not yet reached her five years – it was a horrible dilemma for me and he was clearly torn by divided loyalties -I can’t nail which type of affair it was because it had flavors of a few different ones – but he definitely saw himself as her knight in shining armor and she fed his ego big-time – when did things start to turn? as many have already said (so I won’t belabor the point) they changed when I started holding my ground and stating my case – I was not going to tolerate a triangle and he needed to see that I was really serious – and I would not have had an amicable split up and he believed me when I told him that – my statement was that he could certainly have her always in his life in any way that he wanted – but that would mean that he would never have me in it in any way – it took him 6 months to even say that what they did was wrong – just lately, he went back one more time, via email, to see how her health was, etc. because he felt he needed to know – that rapidly escalated into emails back and forth again although they were not really bad – but I found out and nailed him for not telling me, since he had told me he would do so when he contacted her – he was very remorseful for lying yet again and wrote her a final email explaining that he cannot communicate with her and will not in any way – needless to say, she got furious and wrote him the most hateful things that I have ever heard – this from the woman who was just so nice and wonderful and helpless, etc. – bottom line – someone ends up angry and unhappy because they didn’t get what they wanted – I had to face up to the fact that that could have been me -that he would never give her up and that I would need to end a 36 year marriage – when I faced that reality, I was more able to share it with him and he was able to believe it and to make a choice
good luck!! you will figure it out as long as you remember to be good to yourself
November 13th, 2006 at 5:30 pm
I need some advice, my husband and I are highschool sweethearts and have been married 6 years, and we have a son together. I recently became friends again with my maid of honor, who says she is happily married, low and behold I found out the two them have been secretly meeting and they ended up going to the Holiday Inn together. To make a long story short I comforted my husband and all HELL broke loose. He says he has broken things off with her, but how do you know if thats true? What is so hard is that my husband is not one to talk though his feelings and just wants to forget it and move on. How do you know if they truely are not contacting each other? I worry about this alot because my husband works on the railroad and is gone alot. I worry he has another phone that he uses just to contact her, but I’m not sure. He does get alot of text messages on his phone, but I don’t know if they are from her or not. How do I find these things out? If anybody knows how to track another phone or retrieve text messages, please let me know. If they are still contacting each other I want to know so I can move on with my life because I still LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. He is my HEART AND SOUL. I’m just very confused and unsure!
November 13th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
there are many ways to find out things that you want to know – I was lucky – his cell phone account was in my name so I could see calls – she lives in the same town and one of my friends had a friend who lived next door to her (a good example of why you don’t you-know-what where you eat) – he was careless about written stuff because he never thought I would stoop to snoop (PLEASE READ Dr. Bob’s comments about “should you spy?”)- and frankly, I know him well enough to have been able to find his tracks – don’t get me wrong – he could still be doing a major cover-up and the folks who say not to believe the cheater when he/she says they have ended it are correct – could be another major scam – and once you have been deceived so well, you don’t know what to think or whether or not to trust your instincts – but your gut tells you where to go and your brain tells you how to get proof, one way or another – someone in an earlier comment recommended reading – try the book called “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass – lots of helpful information – and by the way, one of the hints was that a good time to catch a cheater is a holiday, especially Valentine’s Day – that was exactly when I found out – another thing from this book – they (the cheaters) always see their affair as “unique” – when I read this book I was amazed that my husband’s very words were quoted over and over again – sad to say – as Dr. Bob does such a good job of pointing out – there are patterns of behaviors that people follow – knowing those patterns really helps – take a step back, breathe, and think – you will find a way to get some answers and whatever your decision ends up being, you will have made it with a lot of information to consider
November 14th, 2006 at 6:56 am
Isn’t it funny how all of these stories are so similar? I think we all know happiness is in our futures, it just seems so damn far away doesn’t it?
That old proverb we have all heard from someone or another lately, If you love it, let it go, if it was meant to be it will return, is so true it’s scary.
I myself had a hard time embracing this message at first, not that I completely don’t now, but that is the truest proverb I have ever heard.
I’m struggling now but everything I have read about charging neutral and self care all seem to say the same thing. Live your life. If he/she wants you they will catch up. Then you will be in the drivers seat and can decide for yourselves if you want to allow them to grab on. And your dignity will be intact.
I think Lynda hit it right on the head in response #9. Hi Lynda if your reading this. If you chase them they will only run faster. Or I’ll add my own here, they will continue to use you. They have everything. The best of both worlds. It’s time they lost something don’t you think.
And believe me from the amount of feeling and character I’m picking up on reading your responses, each and everyone of you would be a great loss even if these knuckleheads can’t see it right now or never do.
It reminds me of an old high schools sweet heart of mine. When she found a new guy, I was a mess. As much of a mess as a 17 year old with no kids or responsibilities can be that is. To this day, the only thing that I can remember of that tumultuos time in my life, is all the senseless crying and grovelling I did. Not how much I cared or how sad I was.
Make no mistake, with vows of marriage having been broken and with common children it will take longer to get there but you WILL get there.
I feel like a fool for crying so hard for someone who didn’t deserve me in the first place. I can even remember making an audio tape pronouncing my love. What a sorry mistake that was. Forgive me everyone, I was 17. I bet she still pulls that thing out to this day at parties and get’s a good laugh at my expense.
How embarrassing. I put it right up there with the time my mom walked in on us. But we will save that one for another time.
I agree with myself I guess, since I said it, happiness just seems so far away right now. I concentrate on little things and try with all my might not to dwell on this betrayal as not to own it myself. I didn’t do it so why own it?
None of you did either. Don’t own the pain. Feel it and let it go. You have nowhere to go but up from here. They are the ones on the way down. Don’t let that drowning person pull you under with them.
It is possible to live with this hurt so none of you wonderful women consider anything crazy. Day by day it does decline and become more and more manageable.
If you own the pain and keep trying to believe in someone who is only dealing with your pain, which they caused and don’t truly want to take ownership of themselves, when they absolutely have t. You never get anywhere. We all want movement. Getting this movement in a direction we would rather not go is still a positive thing.
Your holding a pair of dueces, I’m from Vegas, and you want to draw a Royal Flush which in our minds is a happy marriage. Well drawing some new cards or making a move and settling for a full house is still a much better hand than what your looking at right now isn’t it? Maybe you will catch your Royal on the next deal.
I don’t know about you but I’m tired of owning this pain. I’m drawing some cards and well all just see how they fall.
Don’t misunderstand me. I do and will always love my wife. The sun has rissen and set with her for me for as long as I can remember. As well I completely believe in marriage.
That being said, reality can be like a huge church bell when it’s rung and try as we might to endure the ringing in our ears, there will come a time when you will need to hit the door and find yourselves some peace.
What totally inspiring and awesome women you all are. It’s her loss not mine because you all make me feel so strong I just can’t wait to find someone just like you. And who knows. Maybe she will decide to catch up. She won’t be able to step over me like a doormat to get in the house this time though.
Goodluck everyone even though with minds and hearts like yours, I really don’t think any of you are going to need it.
Let me throw a quick shout out to Elizabeth, Jean and Shennie.
Evan.
November 14th, 2006 at 9:35 am
For all of us who have a partner who says he is staying because he loves us and that the affair is over and there is no longer any contact, we will have to someday trust them again, am I right? We can’t go on forever mistrusting and being suspicious. I know they have to earn it. I know it will take time and they have to prove themselves over and over. But how long do we search, how long do we let suspicions and doubts run our lives, especially when the partner who cheated gives us no indication that anything is going on? Our marriage counselor told us that we have to have hope. Hope for me that it’s over and he is telling me the truth and hope for him that I will trust him someday and that we both believe we will survive this. If either of us have no hope then we are dooming ourselves. This all rests on the cheating partner though. They have to be truely not having any contact with the OP and committed to the marriage. If they are still seeing the OP in anyway, the investment is not in the marriage. He also told my husband that if he is seeing the OP and living with me and staying in the marriage that neither relationship will be fulfilled. All the energy needs to be put in the relationship that he wants. So far, my husband has put the effort into our marriage I think. I haven’t found anything to validate suspicions, although I still have them. I am obsessed with everything he says. I read into everything he tells me and in my mind question every lunch, purchase, phone call, text message etc… Someday, I don’t know when, I need to get passed this and trust him again. I will not be able to live in this state of panic and suspicion forever. And it will eventually ruin whatever we have left. My question to you all who have spouses who you are suspicious of still, and worry they are still cheating is, When will you believe? Are we to never be at peace? What will make you feel like it’s really over? How will you know? I know there are many of us who are still living in the hell that the cheating partner(CP) has left to be with the OP or is somehow having contact with them so until that ends there can really be no healing the marriage, but for those that believe the CP is done with the affair and it’s truely over, when do we give up and be at peace? When do we have hope that we are done with all of this and just live. Learn from the mistakes of the past and just love them and trust them. Do any of these relationships really survive? Or are we just going through the motions to say we tried? I know for me, I can’t punish him forever. I can’t make him pay for his sins for the rest of his life. I have to get over this or it WILL ruin what we have left. I have read all your postings and I see so many similarities just different stages of healing. Some of you have moved on and some are still hoping the CP will see the light and some say they have and are working toward healing. I guess no one will be able to tell me when it’s really over but me. I wish you all well.
November 14th, 2006 at 10:36 am
I saw Peggy Vaughn’s book mentioned previously. I just finished “The Monogamy Myth” and found it helpful. This book is written by someone who’s been there and made her marriage work. She is pro marriage, whereas some cconselors are not. Yet she also gives some info on when it most likely will not work out, too. She also has a web site askpeggy.com.
I agree, read, read, read. Educate yourself. Don’t rush to make a life altering decision when emotions are at their peak. Every affair and every relationship is different because they involve PEOPLE so what works for one may not work for another.
Also, the Today Show has had a lot of relationship segments – almost daily. Recently, they ran one about women who knowingly involve themselves with married men. Some of the reasons may surprise you such as fear of intimacy (get involved with half a man so you never have to fully commit), low self esteem (don’t feel they deserve a man so they see half a man), some are just competitive (this is the most sickening). Remember ladies & gents out there, these OP’s are SUBORDINATE to us!!! They have to totally abide by the schedule of the married spouse, They come SECOND. I know it doesn’t feel like it. Last minute cancellations, stuff with the kids, etc.
My husband told me if not this woman, it would have been another. Don’t blame her. I said if she had said no, then the next said no, etc etc these things wouldn’t happen unless the married person tricked the OP into thinking they were single. Of course I blame him too, but it feels better to blame the OP. After all we chose to marry our spouses so these affairs make us feel like we made a bad choice.
Another helpful book is “After the Affair”. I ordered both on Amazon.com. They are a different perspective from Dr Bob, but still full of helpful info.
Take care everyone!
November 14th, 2006 at 10:50 am
Dear, MS:
There is nothing concrete in life. My suggestion is to just trust and enjoy your time with him, let it go. Why hold onto it? You should be grateful that you haven’t lost him and he is there trying to work it out with you. Reflect on the affair as a blimp in your time line, as a lesson to him and yourself. Being suspicious will not help you get closer, worrying will show in many forms mostly actions and it will wear down your health.
I don’t agree with it is easier said then done, just do it. Forget about the OP and move on with your life. He made a huge mistake and that mistake hurt you but hopefully both of you have learned. Both of you have the opportunity to improve your relationship, a chance many of us have lost. Many of us would have given anything for the opportunity that you have, my advice is to embrace it and enjoy your time together. Consider this second chance a blessing!!!
We are here today, but there is always the possibility that we will be gone tomorrow.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:03 am
To Evan:
It sounds like you have your life together. I hope one day to get there. My problem is my husband and I have been to together for 14 years and married six of those and I have invested everything into our life and family. I feel I somewhat have wasted all that time and energy for nothing. But he is all I know, how do you start over? How do you know you gave your marriage enough time to heal? I feel my husband is trying, but I have so much hate and hurt inside of me that sometimes I think i read into it. What if he is telling the truth now, and I leave him I look like the bad guy. But I don’t want to leave I want my life back. I just don’t know how to get there. Sorry for sounding like a blabbing idiot.
November 14th, 2006 at 11:37 am
To Evan
Thanks for your acknowledgement it really means alot, the sad part is that even though I know I am better off and one day things have to get better its discouraging that he is the one who found happiness and me who was stuck with all the responsibilities. We ran a farm together, my family invested thousands on our behalf it was my whole life for the last 4 yrs I have been doing it all by myself, I am only about 115 pounds it is a mans job but I have been going it alone on top of taking care of 6 kids and keeping them involved in activities that were a big part of their life. He lied about his income so we only get 700 a monthe for 7 people which doesnt even cover food. I have worked tirelessly not only do I not have time to look for a better life for myself it makes me sick that he walked away from all his resp and dumped it on me and has never looked back. He is married to a 21 yr old and they have 1 child together he does all the things with them he never did with us and spends 16 hrs a month with 3 of my kids thats it never offers to help with anything. Why does he deserve to be happy at my expense how does a person have anything to look forward to when those facts never change. I am so sick of being his dummy and that he acts like we never even had a life together for 26 yrs since I was 15 yrs old. I keep telling myself he is sick and that he is blinded to what he has really done and has blocked the truth of what he has done so he can live with himself. I just could never imagine treating anyone like that even if I wanted a divorce ever. Its soo sad that there is sometimes no wer to go. Thanks everyone for listening
November 14th, 2006 at 11:56 am
Leopards don’t change their spots. My husband cheated on his first wife and now he has cheated on me, his second wife. He has been lying to me for over a year and still continues to do so, all the while professing that I am the “love of his life”. Nice to hear, but…GIVE ME A BREAK!
I hired an investigator and found out for sure. It was the best investment I have made, as it was an investment in the truth! I took my child and moved out…
I confronted him (he denied it), we tried counseling (he lied to the counselor), I tried ignoring him (he sent me text messages non-stop, which I sent to the OP), I tried being supportive of him (still continued to see the OP and lie). Enough is enough!
I also called the OP and she did not deny the affair. In fact, she was nasty and obnoxious. I also called her husband (they are separated) and he informed me that this has been going on for a long time and he left his 20 year marriage to her because of it!
Bottom line…the only person you can change is yourself. Don’t lose your self-respect and pride to this lying, self-centered individual. Be a role model to your children! He lies to me about the OP and I am sure he is lying when he tells me he loves me. The only person he loves is HIMSELF and I can’t compete with that! You are living with unhappiness and anxiety while he is out there having fun! Get rid of him and have some fun yourself!
Take it from someone who has been there…he WILL NOT change, no metter how hard you try, so CHANGE YOURSELF! It will be the best thing you ever did!!
November 14th, 2006 at 12:28 pm
I have been reading others stories and they sound like mine. Does it really work when you start showing then you can live without them and be on your own. I have known for about 2 months and just found out that she is in love with him, he says he’s not in love with her and just wants to be friends but he is still calling her. He says he will know if he wants to work the marriage out after the holidays and we need to go ahead and prepare for the worst and hope for the best. He wants us to get our cell bills seperated and me start paying some bills out of my own check so I can take more responsiblity. Right now he pays every bill and I never know how much money we have. I need so advice. Please help!
November 14th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
My story is like the majority and, I too, am comforted knowing that I’m not the only one suffering. My story has a twist of it’s own. My husband has been a part of my life for 16 years. We didn’t started dating seriously until 3 years in to knowing each other, and two years later we got married. We’ve now been married for 11 years and have a beautiful 9 year old daughter and a handsome almost 6 year old son. My twist is that I’m 21 years younger than my husband; I’m now 37 and he’s 58. He has two older children just about my age and we have a wonderful relationship. They actually accepted our relationship very quickly. We also have a granddaughter who is not quite 2 years older than our daughter. It’s been a wonderful union of two families and his first wife and I have a pretty good relationship as well. Under these circumstances what more could you ask for that works out perfectly for him? I guess, like others, our marriage got in to a lull. Kids, a business, a home ( which we’ve been in the process of designing and remodeling for 10 years ), successes and happiness, as well as turbulence along the way, and I thought we had it so great. Special vows written by him, promises made, and a loving relationship that was almost too good to be true, as well as, thinking this wouldn’t happen to us. His mother passed away in December 2004 and his father had passed on 9 years earlier. During this year we had some ups and downs, more so than usual. Within 3 months of his mother’s passing I just knew something wasn’t right. I had suspected another woman, but didn’t find out for sure something was going on for another 2 months. At that time, just serious phone conversations—–”Just Friends”. He made all the promises of stopping and making things right. A few weeks later I found out who she was. A divorced 4 times, now separated mother of 3, who is known in our small town as a gold digger (my husband is not from here), still attractive and a ” couldn’t make it in Nashville” talented singer who is 53 years old. Now I’m not making fun of the age, but isn’t it ironic that most men mess around on their wives with younger women and mine picks one much closer to his own age. He is an attractive, healthy 58 year old who works like crazy. Our business is successful. I’ve been going through his HUGE emotional affair for 20 months now. I’ve even played detective, having found enough evidence that says it’s still an Emotional Affair. My roller coaster ride has been horrible and it doesn’t looked like the ride is over yet. Even when it slowed down and looked like it was over, it took off again. He still can not break away from this woman and says that they did become very close and will probably always remain friends. He says he understands that he can not have us both, says he is terrified of losing me and the kids and that if he really wanted to be with her he would have crossed the physical line by now and would have left me, but he still won’t break that connection that keeps us from moving on or getting close again. She purchased cell phones last year for them to keep in touch and I’ve found it here there and everywhere off and on since last year. I’ve not destroyed it because I want him handle it, but I continue to find it. I know for certain that he’s tried to end things with her many times, even giving the phone back, but he always relapses due to whatever means she uses to contact him and pour out her dramatic tactics. He recently said that he will always have some love for her and is not sure if he will have regrets if he can manage ending their relationship. He says he wants to have back the life we had before this, but doesn’t make the moves to do it. I think he takes advantage of the love and continued support within our business I still have for and give him, as well as the comfort of the family he wants. Financially I can’t go anywhere else right now. We’ve been in the slow beginning stages remodeling our dream home since early this year. Last year he purchased a very small “fixer-upper” that he claimed WE would need to live in during the major remodeling of our home. Although we have not been legally separated, I kicked him out of our home last year when I “overheard” conversations of his so-called plans to leave me for her. This is what he was telling her, however he told me he never planned on going anywhere. He’s lived in this other place off and on for a year. He’s never moved back in with us, but has stayed for weeks at a time, then will suddenly go back out there for his so called solitude. I’ve now figured out this is what happens when he’s allowed her back in again. For months his plan has been for all of us to live in the other house and we are just about ready for the “have to” move. There’s no way we or I could handle rent somewhere else right now while already having 2 mortgages, utilities, etc. After all these months I also feel like I’m ready to draw the lines and live without him, although repairing our marriage is the only thing I really want. In some ways, I feel trapped and he still has me and his secret life. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore to force him to make a choice under these weird circumstances. How much longer should I hang in there wanting to work this out while he dances back and forth between me and his “so called friend”?
November 14th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
It is something hard to hear, but, if your husband is having an affair, there has been enough problems in your relationship for him to do so. Do not misunderstand me: what he is doing is wrong and it may be the case that he is responsible all alone, however, there is a great chance that you are a part of the problem too.
I myself have been cheated. The pain was enormous. I could not think clearly for months, became depressed and took medication for sometime. I am still on therapy. I know the pain. But it does not change the fact that I decided to act like her father (when the real one was extremely abusive), I spoiled her with no limits even when she hurt me before by allowing her to use my pity for her painful childhood, I became emotionally distant when she had difficulty having intimacy with me, I decided to put things on track by controlling everything without listening to her making her feel no liberty, I decided to be blind when everyone noticed that something was wrong. I know, there is no excuse for cheating, I know how much it has hurt me. But by looking for those things that she did wrong I lose the opportunity to look at me, improve myself, grow and make myself better for this or another relationship.
In the end, we all know this: we cannot change the past and we cannot change our husbands/wives. But we can change ourselves. We can learn to deal with all the suffering, to forgive, to solve our own problems, to look forward and live a better, more mature life. In the end, if you take it all as an opportunity to grow, you will find out, you will become a better person. Love will follow naturally.
November 14th, 2006 at 2:53 pm
Thank you Maria for your words of encouragement. I know you’re right and I am trying to concentrate on the fact that he is here and really trying to help me trust him. I know he loves me, I just don’t know if what I give him is enough. He found something in this OP that he wasn’t getting from me and I’m not sure what it was. We have two little kids 5 and 4 and the last 4 yrs have been all about them, really. Not alot of time or energy left over for caring for us as a couple. I was in denial. I thought they needed me and he was a grown man and he could see that they were the ones who needed my attention right now. How wrong I was. I know that doesn’t give him the right to go and have an affair, but I also know we weren’t “happy” for about a year while the pressures of parenting, work etc…. compiled.
I am going to start my own counseling (we go to a marriage counselor now)to help me stop obsessing, work out my anger and hurt and find a way to embrace this second chance. It’s good to know that there are others out there who can understand and relate, because the only support people I have told, while they are great, really don’t get it all.
To Evan, I know the majority of people on this blog are women, so to hear the story from a male perspective brings to light that everyone is vulnerable to this traumatic upheaval regardless of sex. I know that all the books I’ve read say women cheat too, and obviously they can form the other half of a cheating couple as well, since I see that some of the OW were married as well. In my case the OW was single and had no responsibilities to anyone or anything. She was available, fun and attentive, all of which I wasn’t. I was a mom, tired, responsible, just trying to raise decent human beings, pretty much alone, and when I look back, I see how unattractive this must have been from a man’s point of view. Although, my husband says that this very attribute of being a great mom is one of the reasons he loves me. Double edged sword, I guess. I really hope that because you love your wife and want to make your marriage work, that that’s what happens for you. I hope she sees that a good faithful man is hard to find.
If only the cheaters could read these blogs, maybe they would wake up and see what they are about to lose. We need to be strong though. Draw the line, let them go and live our lives. Show them we can be happy and that there is life without them for us out there. All of you who have said that in your blogs are right. The more you cry and fight it the further away they run. Tell them you accept it for what it is and move on. They won’t won’t know what hit em. Good luck to you all. Mari
November 14th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
Does the op ever realize that what the cheater is telling her maybe all lies, do they ever stop and think about what their doing to other families. In my case the op’s husband left her for another woman so she should know the hurt I’m feeling. Why do these people do it to another family. She says we had a failed marriage anyway but shes only going on what he has told her, we had our problems but what marriage does’nt. Now this has all been brought into my 7 year old sons life. How do I get this out of my head and actually focus on what is best for him?
November 14th, 2006 at 7:23 pm
JMC- I understand what you are trying to say, when saying that we need to also look to ourselves for ” forcing our spouses into an emotional affair”, but I will not take on any of the responsiblility of my spouse’s choice to cheat. He made that decision all on his own, regardless of what may had been the strain on our marriage at the time.
What I find extremely interesting is what I’m finding in many of the stories being written by everyone above is; in every relationship there seems to be a “caretaker” and as long as that caretaker is going along taking caring the dependant one everything seems to be just “dandy”. Just like in my marriage. When the “caretaker” who was me developed medical issues that directed the attention away from the “self centered dependant spouse” and I needed to be taken care of emotionally to get thru my difficult struggles, he wasn’t there for me, nor could he handle not being the center, thus he went elsewhere to find the attention he could get from whoever he could to continue to feed his self-centered needs. Now I sorry I’m having to say this, but I’m going to anyway, life isn’t always about everything you want to do, everyday Mothers and Wives ( and yes Fathers and Husbands too)do a million things they rather not be doing, but we do these things out of responsibility, a resposibility I took on when I entered into a union called a marriage, a responsibility I took on when I brought children into this world. I don’t have the luxury of turning these things on and off just because I feel like it and I’m “not having any fun”, if I wanted that luxury I should had stayed single and not had any children. When the cheating spouse steps out of their marriage they are stepping away from the responsibilities they themselve made the decision to undertake. If you can’t follow thru with your responsiblity 100%, get out and let the rest of your family get out of the “hell” they are in, so they can find some happiness in their lives with someone that truly loves them, respects and honors them, in sickness and in health till death do they part.
I’m in year three of my hell and if I take any responsibility for my spouses actions, the only one I’ll take is that I allowed him the freedoom to go out and socialize, alonging him a very long rope, this was called “trust”. I no longer trust him and he knows it. Altough he has asked me to trust him, his actions don’t warrant my trust. He thinks he’s being clever and more carefully with his lies and deceit, but he’s not. Today’s technology gives him every avenue to communicate with OP’s if he does, but today’s technology gives me every avenue to intercept, spy what ever you want to call it. The word of caution is, it’s not always fun intercepting what you do. And, for thoses of you that feel bad about resorting to the need to spy, don’t! I cried my eyes out in front of my priest feeling I was the bad, deceitful person for going as far as to spy on my husband, and you know what my priest said, he said I had the right to know and to validate my husbands behavior, but once we confronted the problem, that I should once again allow him his privacy. I did that for about 4 months and when his behavior again told me something different, I spot checked him and sure enough, he was back at it, just a different OP. My spouse is a classic # 4 and because he doesn’t want to accept that his behavior is not right, he will continue to be a repeat offender and since the environment he frequents (bars and alcohol) breeds this type of behavior he may never be able to change. The one thing he knows now more than ever is that he has taken away the trust and as he chips away at the only thing he has left with me, which is the love I have for him and have always had, eventually he’ll chip to far and there will be no turning back.
I’ll leave with these final words. I’m now know I’m strong enough to leave when I’ve had enough. I believe he see that in me and he knows it, I’ve communicated that with him. I’m a better communicator now as I’ve done alot of reading and if you want to know how to communicate your words better, pick up John Grays book on Men and Women and Relationships, you’ll be suprised. If you’ll find yourself applying the simple things he talks about when trying to communicate with the opposite sex, OMG, it will actually work. Another book that has been very helpful to me is Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, you’ll find some very important advice in his book that will help you grow as a person. Dr. H., thank you for your book and this blog. It is not fair that any of us have to face the destruction that an affair creates, but it is very nice to know that we have a place to vent or offer advice to another at a different point in their “hell”. God Bless you all and I hope that you will all find the happiness that you rightfully deserve in a trusting, loving respectfully relationship.
November 14th, 2006 at 8:28 pm
I think it is wonderful tp have a place to share stories and thoughts. I have been reading some of the stories posted here for over an hour. So many of them have pulled at my heart because they are so similiar to my own situation. I’ve tried to talk to those close to me about my “problem” but I only get the familiar words, “leave him, you’re crazy if you don’t!” I thought I was the only person who would actually choose to stay in a relationship where her husband will not let go of the OW!!! He says he does but I always find evidence that he doesn’t. His affairs started a year ago this month the same month that we found out that we were expecting our fourth child. He had 5 lovers but 1 whom he developed “feelings” for. He’s left me twice to live with her both times it only lasted two weeks. Now he swears it’s over but I know it’s not
I’m lost and confused. I love him and I love this family and I want more than anything for us to work not just for our kids but for “us” too! Sometimes I think it would be easier to pack up and walk away but I can’t imagine life without him and our family together. I applaud all of you – a woman is a powerful force but in groups the possiblities are limitless.
November 14th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
The only responsibility for this mess that I am taking is that I didn’t protest enough before he crossed the line. This was a gradual process for my husband. He didn’t just jump in with both feet. I knew this girl wanted him for more than a friend and I begged him to not allow it. How stupid was I? I didn’t realize this was his cry for help to me that he needed more attention, more interest, more everything from me. I was just so tired from having two babies in 2 yrs with little or no help from him in the caretaking department. He has a great job that allowed me to stay home and I quit my job as a Nurse to be a mom. We had both agreed this was what we wanted. I now look back and think how I should have stayed working. If I would have, it would have forced him to take more responsibility with the kids and other household things. I wouldn’t have been able to take on all of the day to day things because I would have been working too. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so tired from kids needing me all day that I would have sought refuge in my husband instead of just wanting to be left alone and sleep.
He has told me that she felt alot of guilt about what they had done, but they couldn’t stay away from eachother. What crap! I have a theory about women who go after married men. They know exactly what they are doing. They see a successful, handsome, intellient man and see how great his life is and want that life. They don’t want to birth their own kids so they think they can have his with him and get their maternal fix every other weekend and then at other times they can have the man to themselves. They are coniving, cheating, amoral, lying thieves. I firmly believe that they have low self esteem and seek to find some kind of worthiness through dating a married man. They think that if a man would leave his wife and family for them then that makes them so special. The kicker is that most of these affair relationships don’t work. For one, the man doesn’t leave most of the time and for another, if he does, it doesn’t last because the problems the man had in the first marriage manifest in the second relationship and they see that aftet the “newness” wears off it’s just the old relationship with a different person. I have absolutely NO sympathy whatsoever for a person who dates a married man or woman. We all have choices. If they truely had morals and values, they would tell the married person to leave his family first and when he was sure it was over and the divorce was final then you can come to me. But until then I won’t be a party to anything.
My husband has ended it with this person, so he says. I have promised myself that if I find anything to the contrary or if she contacts him again, I will be contacting her father and brothers and let them know just what kind of a person they have as a daughter and sister. Paybacks are hell, they always say. Oops my horns are showing again. The evil streak in me gets out sometimes when I’m venting. ha ha I’ve tried turning the other cheek, but she keeps slapping me in the face, so my day will come and I’ll be the one doing the slapping, figuratively of course. I can only hope that it will never come to this, since he says it’s over and has shown me that he is trying to be trusted. I have drawn the line, I will not allow anymore deceit or lies. He knows this. The next time, it’s divorce and good-bye. I will leave and find someone else. I will not be made a fool of again. Fools are people who are stupid and I am alot of things, but not stupid. None of us are fools, we are people who were deceived and lied to and we are generous, loving, caring individuals who took our marriage vows seriously, for better or worse, right? No, we are not fools, just good decent people. At the end of the day, I can look myself in the mirror and sleep at night knowing I did all I could to save my marriage and that I treated my partner with respect and dignity. I’m not so sure that the cheaters and their affair partners can do the same.
My husband had anxiety attacks from all the lies and deceit and guilt. Finally, since it has been really over, he hasn’t had anymore. He says he hated the way he felt when he was lying to me. Yet when he was in the throws of it all, he once told me he liked the way he felt with her. She made him a better person, what a crock. I told him that if lying, cheating, deceiving, stealing from me and adultering made him a better person, then she could have him. He didn’t like that. Call it like you see it, tell them like it is. Charge neutral, but make sure you let them know you won’t tolerate any more crap. Be strong and know you all will survive with or without them.
November 14th, 2006 at 9:01 pm
I just wanted to say that I also read “After the Affair” and had one session with the therapist who wrote it because she lives in my county. I did not end up using her as a therapist because she point blank told me that I should not accept my husband’s intention to continue to see the OP just as a “friend.” I ended up with a male therapist who listened to me speak about my husband as a person and advised me not to engage in a power play but assured me that he would support me through whatever decision I made and whenever I made it – that is, if and when I came to the point when I felt I had had enough and needed to draw a line, he would simply advise me how to deal with that without imploding. As things started to turn better for me and my husband, basically when he began to realize his arrangement couldn’t go on forever because I would not tolerate it and she started to lose her grip on him, I asked him to read the book as well and he did – I felt that the book presented both points of view without judging the person who had cheated. As far as trusting him again – well, it will take a long time – a good friend of mine advised me to think of it this way – trusting him again is a choice you make and as with any choice, when you make it you need to be willing to take the consequences of that choice (the same way that the cheaters need to face up to the consequences of the choice they made to cheat)- I would say that you have to strike a balance somehow – you can’t let your guard down completely yet because you don’t even trust your own instinct anymore – but if you try to visualize how you want things to be and try not to over interpret everything you will at least end up driving yourself less crazy! I made it clear to my husband that all our improved communication has a “down side” in a way – now that I am more in tune with him it is easier for me to see when he is being evasive or keeping something from me – the funny thing is – this is true to some extent but, more importantly, he THINKS it’s true!
November 14th, 2006 at 11:29 pm
Don’t blame yourselves!!!
To say the OP is giving your spouse what you couldn’t is a bunch of BS most of the time. Affairs are about ILLUSION. It is not reality. Sometimes the problem goes back to childhood. There is often a deep emotional scar or anger that the cheaters are usually unaware of.
Affairs are exciting and based on fantasy. These people see each other looking their best and on their best behavior. Their time together is all about them and making each other feel good about themselves. They aren’t in REAL life together with bills, children, household chores, work schedules, etc.
Also remember, the OP is getting YOUR leftovers!! I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. Anyone who leaves their spouse to continue a relationship based on lies is headed for doom. Because that’s what affairs are, they are based on lies. The cheaters lie to all around them to cover up what they’re doing. Now that I understand this, I can’t believe how some of these OP’s hang on and on to a false, phony illusion and waste precious time. Why? Because they are LOSERS with low self esteem. Some feel they don’t deserve better, and some just feel better if they “win” someone else’s spouse over! Sick isn’t it? So stop wasting time on thoughts of the OP. They don’t deserve it!
For those of you out there cheating – - wake up and grow up!!! If you get a divorce, your ex, children, bills, and problems don’t go away. Your expenses and your responsibilities will increase. All the affair does is complicate life for everyone. If you still love your spouse, get some help, take some time apart, whatever it takes and find your way back to each other. Do whatever it takes to earn back their trust. On your wedding day you didn’t promise to be perfect. What counts is getting back to each other and re-connecting.
Thanks, had to get that off my chest!
November 15th, 2006 at 9:41 am
To Lucy
I feel badly for you and hope you can work things out but you are young enough to start with another person. You said you were 21 years apart so you must have been 21 when you met, curiously I am wondering since you were so young when you met him was he married when you both met, It sounds like what he doesnt want to let go of is not you but the materialistic things you 2 have acquired. Sounds like it has been going on for sometime and he may be on the back and forth for alot longer. You made a comment about the 53 yr old he likes and that it is usually younger woman, so how would you feel if this woman was 21 like when you met him instead of 53. I am suspecting that because you were so much younger that maybe through the years of your relationship he held the power because he was older because you were younger and lacked experience of likfe and maybe this person since she is his age is really more on his wave length. Has your age difference ever given you or his kids or ex problems dealing with it.Since I dont know if he was already divorced when you met him sometimes those things can lead you to some answers.
I hope things improve for you, chin up
November 15th, 2006 at 5:36 pm
To Shennie,
What do you mean nowhere to go? Sorry for being so blunt I really don’t mean to be. My job is up in the air. I spotted her knucklehead boyfriend who doesn’t even have a drivers license, driving my car a few weeks ago. I confronted him and he wouldn’t give me the keys and got obnoxious so he kinda got pushed down. I’m a cop and thats not allowed so well see how that turns out.
I lost my house. She didn’t make 4 morgage payments last year that I knew nothing about. She is an addicted gambler as well as an adultress.
Then she managed to get me sued for 3800 bucks. She didn’t pay for a couch 10 years ago and hid all the correspondence from me so I didn’t even know I was getting sued. My next two checks are history if I even get two checks with the other deal going on.
My credit is so messed up from similar situations that I couldn’t finance a snickers bar to save my life from starvation.
I worked 560 hours of overtime last year which was all dumped into her affair. That’s 30 grand by itself. With all the other expenses I can easily show 50 thousand plus last year alone. They clearly had a very good time at my and my childrens expense. She always came home with a smile on her face.
During this time frame I was rear ended on the interstate by a van going 100 miles per hour. Ouch. My truck was totalled. Lots of physical therapy. And then I had surgery on a hernia, that I have a wonderful phone record of her talking to her boyfriend for 45 minutes in the waiting room while I was under. All in 2006 by the way.
I could go on for days about all the damn lies and false promises. I am currently living out of the back bedroom of my brothers house. Thank God for that. Me and my 3 boys are bunking it and it’s actually been a great time. We are and have always been close.
Once the dust settles well figure something out from there. I have felt exactly like you for 19 months and all of a sudden one day I just snapped and said enough is enough.
She is still trying to string me along saying she loves me but girl, if she hasn’t dumped this clown in 19 months then who is she to wind up with a devoted guy like me, if she suddenly becomes a human being tommorrow and comes back. Why should she win in the end regaining everything.
I’m not saying I’m over her and even though I still hurt, I’m just done owning this pain. It will take some kind of miracle for me to turn around now. It just feels so different once you get above it.
We all have sad terrible stories. Not to discount your pain but where’s your self esteem girl. I don’t even know you and you sound pretty damn hot to me. You are clearly a strong determined women just to be able to take care of 6 kids on a daily basis.
I suggest that you stop thinking about today and the lonliness and betrayal you are feeling right now. Stop thinking about it was the wrong phrase. Everyone says that but it’s next to impossible to do. Let’s try stop dwelling on it. You are taking ownership of this pain instead of feeling it. You didn’t do this. Why own it?
Recognize it for what it is, a deep wound that WILL heal. Know it and live each day waiting anxiously for it to come. He clearly isn’t owning the pain. The sooner YOU stop the sooner YOU will feel normal again.
It sounds like you have a great amount of responsibility beyond the children as well with this farm and all. I hope some of your kids are old enough to help with that. I don’t have enough info to really make a suggestion without knowing what kind of farm, employees etc.
If it’s a family farm like many of the ones I know of in Iowa I would say it all comes down to what the kids want. If they are attached to the home and the area then it would be hard to uproot them. You on the other hand will be fine anywhere supermom. Trust me if you can handle 6 kids and a business the big cities got no chance of stopping you.
Maybe it’s time for a change of scenery. I know your family helped you and you probably would feel like you were running out but hey, maybe thats exactly what you need to do.
Is there anywhere else in this world where you would like to live and would be happy raising those kids who are so lucky to have you?
I say you need some new dreams. Thats what you feel like you lost here you know. This man is, at least in my opinion, from what you have written, a low class dog who cares about nothing but himself. You can’t really be that upset about losing that can you? No, of course not. I say you are saddened by the loss of a wonderful and purposeful dream that you once thought was your life.
Let’s consider finding a new dream. If it comes back together great. But let’s try to make him be the one catching up rather than the one returning to find you waiting with open arms like he is the conquering hero who finally slayed the beast inside himself.
Believe me I know what it’s like to feel like there is nowhere to go but that’s just not true. Think about selling that farm. Even at a loss if you have to. Sometimes we have to take a step backwards in order to step forwards.
Hold your head up. You are a courageous and worthwhile human being. Just because this fool can’t see that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Ask your kids what they think of you. I bet you will hear a bunch of words that will remind you of this.
Have you applied for any financial aid or food stamps? These programs are designed for struggling families like your own. Thats why we pay all those taxes. You as well. If you need it the money is yours. I know it feels like a hit but I can remember my mom using food stamps when I was a kid and you know what, I respect the hell out of her for doing it.
My dad bailed on us for another woman as well and she stood up and did what had to be done to take care of us. Man I have a great mom and thats all your kids are going to remember too. She hit the road, got us an apartment in the city and got a job waitressing. As fate would have it she had a new husband, that she’s been with ever since,(24 years) and has never looked back.
On a personal note I haven’t spoken with my real father since he left. My choice. Why? He just isn’t a man who warrants my attention.
It’s been very fun talking to you. I hope you didn’t think I was being mean or I don’t understand. Shennie life is way to short. I know your hurting but try to look at the big picture and not waste anymore time then you have to ok.
I’ll think of you often today,
Evan
November 16th, 2006 at 12:15 am
Wow! Evan, you are so strong. Being able to be hurt…feel the pain…and give such succint advise. Who knows? None of us really do, but we are all trying. I don’t remember who said it earlier (I think it was you) but we are all at different stages of the same story. I saw someone today who was incredibly sympathetic and said that I don’t know the end of the story yet. She was right. However, I have made the statement that I am moving on. Can I uphold it? Do I want to right now??? It is all so confusing. It is not so black and white when someone goes so far over the deep end and my life has been taken in so many ways. Having said that I do believe I need to focus on me and the kids.
What I have found most helpful is focusing on today (or most often, the minute). Always easier said than done. I am really lucky to have great friends who help me do this. No family support at all. When I think about the past or tomorrow I can get myself into a total anxiety attack (for real). It is so horrible. If I focus on the now I am more strong. I still live in fear of this attitude crashing in on me. But is it so bad to ‘act as though’? I guess I’ll find out. In the meantime he can continue his messed up way of thinking, but it is a train wreck I don’t want to be on. I have no choice but to be attached, but maybe I am still able to jump before it hits the wall.
Here’s to hoping and living. What I’m hoping and living for remains to be seen. Congrats to those who have made it. For the rest of……we have to believe we will.
November 16th, 2006 at 1:16 am
Does anyone other than myself think I talk to much? Sorry but I have found this to be a very constructive place to kinda just let it all out you know. You ladies are just great.
News flash; I have a date this week. A blind date at that can you believe it. I’m kinda scared but well just have to see how it goes. I dont know if it’s fate or what but she is 35 as am I. She has two kids around the same age as my kids and she grew up about 30 miles from me and went to a rival high school in Iowa. How we both wound up in Vegas is just weird.
The kicker is we are both still married and suffering from seperations. Her husband found another girl and moved back to Iowa and only pops in to see the kids a couple times a year now. She told her friend who is the wife of my friend/partner she is ready to start living again and is researching the divorce process. How weird is that? Maybe it’s the old closes a door, opens a window saying. Well see. I’ll let you know.
I do feel conflicted though because I completely believe in the sanctity of marriage. Am I doing something wrong? I haven’t lived with my wife for months and months now and am not being physically intimate with her. Neither of us are wearing wedding bands and she is till seeing the other guy.
I told her this was an all or nothing deal and she said no. I love her and want it to work but it’s been 19 months total now and I just dont want to wait anymore. At the same time I know myself. I won’t play her. If I like this woman I will tell her and end any future attempts to save my marriage until I have reached a resolution with this other woman. My wife dealt the cards I just don’t want to wind up feeling like a scoundrel.
I know I can look myself in the mirror now and forever knowing I did everything I could to save it. She expects me to hang on being faithful and paying her bills until she is done with her affair. Isn’t that crazy. Please tell me this won’t make me a cheater too.
Thanks,
Evan
November 16th, 2006 at 10:13 am
To Shennie. I do appreciate your perspective and I have tried to imagine a role reversal with the ages. He had been divorced for quite a few years when he moved here and we met in our workplace. We developed a friendly sort of relationship and that went on for 3 years before we decided to go out on a date. Yes I was 21 when I first met him and I do remember seeing him being much different than the guys my age then and I found this extremely attractive. Honestly, neither of us thought in the beginning this would go anywhere as we were both having fun with each other and no one else was getting hurt. Over the years I have wondered if I was indeed his “Midlife Crisis”, but you can’t help who you fall in love with and even today he tells me I wasn’t. We both struggled openly with the age difference and the fact that I wanted children someday. He had much more to deal with in regards to his age, deciding if he wanted anymore children and if he wanted to keep up with a young woman in his later years, but he made this decision without my pushing him in to it. Our relationship as a whole hasn’t been without it’s ups and down, but up until early last year we worked together with everything. I’ve always had a really good relationship with his older children and eventually with his first wife. The other children even state that he has been a much better father to our children than they remember him being. I, like many others, have even made excuses for him (probably more for myself) as to why this happened. I just know all these years he seemed fine until his mother passed away. Looking at the age difference from my perspective along with what has happened, I’ve had the perfect opportunity to get everything I want and let go because I can start over again. Financially and materialistically I could have everything because he’s the one who messed up, but I would give everything except my children to have the marriage that I remember back. Not that I ever questioned my love for him, but if ever I had doubts about us, and I’m sure I have, I’ve realized just how much I still love him. I never considered that he was more afraid of letting go of our materialistic things verses letting go of me. I guess I still look back over what I remember and the over abundance of love he showered me with and I still want to believe that he hasn’t let go of me because the feelings still live within his heart. Have I been living in a dream world and it’s just time to wake up? It sure seemed real to me. I am so totally confused about the emotional connection he has with her and with me, but I also know that I can’t continue to live with this OP in the shadows any longer. I feel like I’ve said and done so much over the past year and a half to fight for what I believed in. I don’t know how to let go yet and our living circumstances now, as well as the business we run together, makes it harder for me to force him out of my daily life. He adores our kids as they adore him but in the same breath I can’t believe he’s done this to them. I’ll never understand how people can intentionally or not hurt the ones they say they love. Like Evan, I just wish my husband had enough respect and appreciation for all that I’ve been to either let her go and work 100% on the marriage or just let me go. I know we still struggle with why the ones we love did this in the first place. I’ve read everyone’s stories and in oddest way it’s comforting to know I’m not alone and as I read, I feel the strong emotions in everyone’s words. No matter how things work out, I hope everyone has great happiness in the end. Evan, you must be the epitome of the word husband. I wish there were millions of men like you.
Lucy
November 16th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
Evan, not sure if you are asking for advice or not, but as an objective opinion, I’d say you have done all you can and after 19 mos and moving out with your kids, paying her bills, allowing her to have her freedom and stay with the OP is more than enough. Beleive me, I am not an advocate of divorce, or I would have left my husband by now and cut my losses. I just hate to see you taken advantage of, even though I know all of us have been in some way through our own experiences.
I wouldn’t feel guilty for moving on. Go have fun and enjoy yourself on this date. You’re not marrying the person, just having some adult conversation and living again. Maybe that’s what your wife needs to see. That you are finally living your life again for yourself and not letting the world revolve around her. Stop paying her bills! Let her take responsibility for her actions. The only thing that woke my husband up was me telling him, I was done and he should go be happy and let me go. I was moving on. We all deserve better. We are good people and deserve to be happy and find love from someone who loves, respects and wants us. Affairs are total disrespect and disregard for the person being cheated on, but I’m sure this is nothing you don’t know. Sometimes you just need to hear that it’s ok to move on. It’s ok to feel like you deserve better. If she can’t see what a wonderful person you are after all this time then frankly, I don’t think she is going to. I don’t beleive in this waivering and sitting on the fence crap. Stand up to her. You are already half way to the point of divorce just by leaving and taking care of your kids. Don’t enable her to have the best of both worlds. She is stringing you along with the hopes of you waiting forever and paying her bills so she can have her fun and no responsibility. Show your kids, I don’t know how old they are, that you are strong and that you are taking the situation in hand and will no longer let her take advantage of you. They will respect you in the long run for taking care of them, just as you respect your mom. It’s always easier to let go when you have another love interest to confide in, so maybe this person you are going out with will turn out to be someone you will want to be committed to or even just a great friend. You are not cheating by going out and living your life. Remember, your wife did this, she made decisions for you and your marriage without your input. She is the one who cheated and now she is the one who should pay the price. Ultimately, it will be you she loses, her stability, her rock and the best thing that ever happened to her. You never know, maybe once she sees that you have given up on pursuing her, she’ll wake up and beg you to take her back. Once she sees you are done with her then she’ll think twice about what she is doing. But if she does, don’t take her back without some ground rules. Total and complete revelation of all cell phones, emails, credit cards etc…. until you trust her again. Remember she has to recommit to the marriage and if she wants to do this then she needs to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back. You’ll know if she is willing or not. If she’s not willing to hand all information over then she is still seeing him. Beleive, been there, done that over and over. Take care of yourself. I hope that what I have said wasn’t out of line. I apologize if it was. I just hate to see such a nice guy get taken advantage of. Best of luck to you. Mari
November 16th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
To Evan
Thanks so much for your words you really are one of a kind.
You are so right about it being the dream or plans I had for a future together with all my family growing old together etc. Just
so you know I would never ever take him back he doesnt deserve that. I could never be with someone who could treat me in the way he did in the months that followed. I guess the complicated part for me is the children and how it can hamper you from living your own life. If I had only 2 or 3 kids it would be a little different but 6 is a little much, not only do I have to be cautious of who I bring into their life, the demands on me of having that many leaves me little time to develop a new relationship and to top it off I have even had guys tell me good luck because no one will want someone with 6 kids, you have no idea how many people say that and if my ex had been a decent person and taken his share of reponsibility I may have had some flying chance. All of my 6 kids were born in 9 years because I wanted them close together instead of dragging it out and when he left my youngest was only 4 , because they were all so young made them more demanding upon my time. I have looked into some form of welfare but am unable as long as I am a homeowner unlike my ex who signed my home to apply for welfare and even messaged me once that he was threatening to file for bankruptcy for all would be lost because he was whining to me that him and his girlfriend needed money for food and were eating at food banks.
What kind of man has an affair and whines to his ex with 6 kids that he has not helped I laughed so hard and all the while they were taking trips to this resort and that really. If it wasnt for my kids not wanting to be uprooted i would have moved along time ago but since we were abandoned I was told to try and keep their lives as normanl as possible. At the time he left they were all involved in outside activities. We dropped a couple but I have managed to maintain some to keep their normalcy. he complained that i was spending too much money on them and they would never be anything. I should think he would have been grateful of the time I also invested of myself to do constructive things with them regardless of whether they made something of themselves or not . My youngest is a national gymnast now 8 yrs old and being geared to the Olympics. She s a gifted child and has routines equivalent to a 15yr old and put in less hours than the other kids their due to my limited funds.
I use to employ mexican offshore labour but they also took advantage of the situation and did not work to snuff and were alway trying to be sexual as I was a woman til one day one of them was eyeballin me and I loudly asked hime what the f he was lookn at and did he have a prob. after that they left me alone but by then they hadnt produced enough quality work. Then it became my six kids and I eventually my oldest resented the load and blamed me for the reason her life was like this after meeting up with her Dad after she hadnt seen him in over 2 yrs. He told he I had all these choices and made the wrong ones and how it was all my fault etc and she feel for it I guess thats the part I hate and now I rarely see her she left at 16 after she became involved with him and moved in with her boyfriend and his family. She is terribly weak emotionally and it is now out of my hands I know one day she will be in alot of trouble.
I have worked my butt of to survive this, 5 days before he left he and I signed a new loan of 200,000.00 together on top of our original mortgage to diversify the business from growing vegetables to flowers. I was dumped with both these mortgages which I am almost done paying one. They then proceeded to utilize our farm loan account debiting at their leisure for food perfume jewellery trips etc until one day I got a statement and saw all this money gone so I put a freeze on it. That account was run up to 150,000.00 If I were to sell the farm I would pay all off but end up with nothing so Ive decided to go it alone and fight for what I have worked my whole life for. I have stayed til now in the best interests of my kids. I have for the last 2 yrs struggled desperately to start a new business of some sort but have been unable to see one through because it would mean I could lose everything and until they are just a little older I do not want to take that risk. I guess I was just having a really bad day the day I wrote which i still do from time to time and it is usually when I take the 3 for their visitation with their Dad . I have to drop and pick up at his parents who I was part of their family for many years and put alot of myself into them as family only to be made to feel like an outsider. I guess thats really when I start having a bad time so when I can get someone else to do the drop and pick I grab it . They even had a visitation on mothers day and I had suggested to him it would have been nice if he had set a good example and taken the children to buy some flowers or make a nice card for me and the response I got was where did I get off thinking he owes me a gift can u imagine. I hate being part of anyones life that has such a bad overview. I am a very optomistic person by nature where he is a pessimist. When it was his bday and xmas I had the kids make cards and give him a little something because its the kind of person I am but I guess being genuine is not always returned.
I too feel that marraige is a lifetime committment and do blame myself that I shouldof couldof done something so things didnt end up this way but it probably would have only prolonged it anyway. As for you go out with this girl it does not make you a cheater you are a wonderful guy and deserve it your making me jealous lol. I do plan on moving somewhere else in this world so I can feel like I am starting over and put it all behind but I did have to put the kids first and I think that soon my time is coming. I live in Ontario now and it would be nice to live out west in not such a fast pace society or somewhere in the us where it is quiet. The sky is the limit for me right now
and have the freedom to go anywhere. I took over all the loans to get him off my back and be rid of him for good and am a sole owner now haleluia. I have started writing books I think I will write one called Murdered Alive lol. Thanks so much for all of your words they mean more to me than you could ever know. Just knowing that someone out there is thinking of me brings tears to my eyes and for that I am very grateful. Evan I wish you all the best and dont feel bad about meeting someone because I have a feeling your the catch of a lifetime and your ex is a stupid ass.Take care and thinking of you also.
November 16th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
To Lucy Hang on to youself and if he wont let this person go then you have to and fight for what you have. I asked the question of whether he was married when he met you as my husband met a girl when she was 18 23 yr younger than him and was very hard to deal with from alot of perspectives . She has been very arrogant toward me name calling etc and she doesnt even know me. I cant imagine someone 18 has the life experience to be so arrogant when she has clearly invade the family I once knew. anyway that is not your case but if you cant get him to let her go now he prob never will You are his second marriage and he has messed that up too. so chances are he was not ment to have the fortitude to committ to someone forever. You do have a great chance since you are still young and it sounds like you have commted a great deal to your life so fight for it and know in the end that you are the better person for it and he will see what he lost one day and hopefully by then you are past it all.
Thinking of you and hoping things work out
November 16th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
Evan
I also forgot to tell you that if she has ran u into so much debt cut all those ties asap before your buried. Even if you end up back together down the road you have taken on a huge responsibility on her behalf and she probably doesnt even see it.
Mine expected it so she may too. Neither deserve it if you choose to leave then lie in your own bed and dont expect us to lie there with you. You have let it go on for sometime and you need to give yourself a chance but letting her own her debts. I felt sorry for him at first and allowed it for a time but then it came down to him or my kids and I picked my kids because I had no control of them and he didnt even talk to me just took advantage and I finally put a stop to it to save ourselves and you should to. Even though the farm is a weight right now one day I will replace that life with a new one such as writing as i said. or acting I enrolled in Canadian Actors over a year ago and have tried to learn about that business because anyone who has been through this has suffered enough adversity to be an actor.Something I always had a passion for. Since I was with him so young(15)I forewent my own dreams and ambitions I guess thats why the loss of the dreams I made with him hit so hard. At least she couldnt take away your profession when she left. As he tried to take away mine but I just couldnt let him without a fight. Anyway forgot to say that part hope it helps
November 16th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
To Evan, There are four stages when dealing with grief whether it be a death or the death of a relationship: denial, sadness, anger and acceptance. A person can vacilate between them but for the most part a person has to get through the stages to come out healthy and move on. If you read your earlier entries and your last, I can see you are healing and that is a good thing. My opinion, go on your date. You have been through enough and deserve to start being happy again. Make it a platonic relationship, not physical until you decide your marriage is over. I know, I know, more difficult said than done. You will then respect yourself knowing you tried everything possible to save your marriage. Be realistic though, this date may have to be the first of many before you find someone right for you. Try not to fantasize. Don’t involve your children with another person until you know it is a serious relationship. Your wife does not deserve you and you are too good a man for her to continue bringing you down. Get up, set your goals, and move on for yourself and your kids. Your wife has done nothing but destroy the family and make a mess. Let her carry on alone. You know in your heart you have done everything possible.
November 16th, 2006 at 9:13 pm
To Shennie,
Would you be interested in trying to find a way to trade email addresses? Can’t think of any other way to ask other than calling every first name Shennie and first intial S in the Ontario phone book. Kinda crazy but this just seemed easier. I’m not looking for a love connection or anything right now but I am really enjoying talking to you. Any thoughts or ideas?
The heck with it. Lifes to short. Here’s mine. I have spam blocker. Might need to upgrade it now though. EVANC268@yahoo.com
Evan
November 16th, 2006 at 10:51 pm
Evan,
Just wanted to send a note to say that I’ve had a really bad 24 hours and was at a low point yet again. You made me laugh and I sooo appreciate it. I love your attitude. I need to take some of it myself!
November 17th, 2006 at 2:45 am
Sue,
What can I say, I’m a funny guy. Actually I feel so awkward these days I just can’t help but laugh at myself and this whole crazy, should be on a daily soap opera, insanity that has become my life.
Can’t you just see it. The supportive wife telling me not to be scared as I walk into pre-op with a nurse, the lights fade out, the lights fade back on, you see me on a hospital bed having surgery, the scene cuts to the waiting room and there’s the concerned wife, on the phone with her boyfriend.
Just think of all the white knuckled viewers muttering explicits under their breath. Could be a good book or show. maybe I can get Shennie to write it or better yet act it when she makes it in theater. She’s certainly got the drive and the research for the role.
Sorry to hear you were having a bad day. We can all relate. Glad my clown self was able to help. Really I mean that.
I have to tell you, if I was your husband right now, I would be scared to death. You sound as though you are holding the high ground bigtime if you divorce this guy. If he’s not acting scared then he is way taking for granted that he can have you anytime he wants.
Half of everything or more, child support and spousal support. Hell don’t forget to keep the DVD’s and matching potholders. And why not? You have given this man a wonderful gift in your love.
You carried and bore these priceless children and helped him to realize and accomplish these huge dreams in your business and dream home.
Move on kitten. If he catches up great. If not he can hang out with the washed up singer who hasn’t been strong enough or determined enough to make a marriage last yet. I find it hard to believe that she got hosed over three times. Clearly she’s not playing with a full deck. I think she’s got her eye on the house myself. DON’T LET HER HAVE IT! What kind of a person is intimate with someone who is married with children anyway. Believe me, if he keeps her he hasn’t won a thing.
If that’s what he wants, then what are you going to do? I would stop trying to figure it out though because there is no rhyme or reason to it. Some people have problems that are beyond any comprehension and are just lessor people. Second class human beings if you will.
Sometimes they are able to fake it and land a classy chick like yourself but in the long run it’s to much for them and they ultimatly drop the ball and wind up with what they deserve. Stop trying to give him the ball back. Its your’s now and if he plays his cards right, you might feel generous enough to let him look at it every once in awhile.
Our love for these dysfunctional people is clearly all of our weaknesses. We all have this dream we thought was our lives and need to wake up.
I said it before, we need to find people who love us for who we are as individuals rather than who we are together with them. Guess it only makes sence that we should also love ourselves for who we are as individuals. If he saw you as a strong minded independant woman he wouldn’t be spending so much time on that fence.
It sounds to me like it’s time to tell him to get off the fence or your going to knock him off and keep the fence.
I picked my 5 year old up from kindergarden today and when we were driving he asks me if I wanted to hear a joke. He say’s, “your momma’s so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.” My mom isnt of course and he wasn’t actually talking about her but for some reason it just caught me of guard.
Life does go on Sue. I laughed so hard I had to pull my Escalade over and laughed myself to tears. Life does go on.
I haven’t laughed like that for 6 months now and I am sure that talking to all of you has been instrumental in my healing enough to experience it again.
Thanks to you all,
Evan
November 17th, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Wow! Evan have you ever considered being a counselor. I look forward to coming to this site to see whats happening next with you. For that little bit I don’t think about poor little me. I really enjoy your words of encouragement. Now if we all could be as strong as you we would all be fine. I’ve lost alot of confidence and self-esteem during this phase of my life and hope to someday get my ducks in a row. Until then thanks for that little ray of hope. You sound like a wonderful man whose love his kids. Thanks again and best of luck in everything you do, you desire it?
November 17th, 2006 at 12:58 pm
Sorry Evan thats supposed to be a ! after desire it!, not a ?.
November 17th, 2006 at 1:54 pm
Evan
You hit the nail on the head when you said for people to love us for who we are as individuals thather than who we are together with them. Wow that is sooo true. Some people base who they are by the relationship they are in and it defines them as people and that is so not as it should be. Even though all this stuff has happened and feel like their is no end in sight I know deep down
I had alot to offer that just wasnt appreciated and I like the person that I am and what I stand for in life if I defined myself through him I would have grovelled to get him back and I never did
that. I told him that his actions would speak louder than his words and if the stuff he said was true then time would show it.
Turned out to be just words and I thank my instincts that I dealt with it cautiously. I later found out that when he was begging to come back and left the girl it was only because he didnt want her to get caught with welfare fraud and she was getting mothers allowance while with him and that he could come back to our home and take what he wanted that he forgot to the first time. I guess I was lucky in that it never came to be. When I didnt let him just walk back in he ran and because he never contacted us for so long and for 6 solid months could absolutely not be reached the court awarded my family a summary trial. When a person wont respond to the law and file back I guess this is what they do. It puts them in default and the court can proceed to do what is necessary without them present.
But even so all I really got from it was a chance to keep my life . When he realized what happened he was furious that he lucked out and of course blamed me for all. Doesnt matter I had little choice but to abide by the court system something he doesnt want to accept. He went through 3 lawyers before one would even stand behind him and he was a real winner if you know what i mean . I hope that part is ok for you, The legal system is slow and tedious and lawyers have 2 speeds slow and stopped lol and how much money do you want to put out. Anyway your comments are so enlightening and Im so glad your finding it in your heart to allow yourself to find some lightheartedness through all of this and ps I did message you
November 18th, 2006 at 12:31 am
Evan,
THANK YOU!!!! I have to figure out how to download your note to read when I’m down again. Hit a new low tonight as I am taking the kids away for Thanksgiving (which he originally thought was a good idea) because it is too painful to be here. He decided that meant it was a good time to take her on vacation. He won’t tell me where he’ll be and I’ve decided we are done. If he gets to walk out on his responsibilities whenever and however he likes, what am I waiting for? I hope I can stick to it. I hope that after 6 days in the sun we’ll feel better about ‘doing it on our own’.
His reaction has been mixed. Telling me every detail of him messing up this week is my fault and then apologizing and crying. I have screamed like I’ve never screamed before….actually hurt my voice. So much for charge neutral. I’ve done the neutral things for so long I think all the anger and pain came out at once. His bright comment to that is “This isn’t helping.”
There’s a lot of complication to the pending ‘next step’ as he has been seeing the kids here and they don’t want to go there. I don’t know how that will find its way through. We are still in counseling for the next couple of weeks to figure that out. Even their counselor doesn’t want them to go there as he thinks it will be too traumatic for them. The problem is that this is getting so bad that we need to make the move sometime. Too much to figure out.
I’m going to spend the next week trying to simply enjoy my children and myself. BTW….my husband is the one with the 27 year old……..he’s 45. Age doesn’t always matter but there is so much baggage here I would go on for many paragraphs explaining it. So what? He’s doing what he is doing and saying what he is saying does not have much impact anymore. Actions are everything……even if he doesn’t get that.
I’ve been writing for hours because I am lucky enough to have friends to call to interupt me. I’m now too tired to be so angry. Maybe that is good. Hopefully I can sleep..something so hard to come by these days.
In the end. You are right. Move on. Laughter helps tremendously. I have very sharp kids who keep me laughing with their wit and ability to find humor in the dire. I will enjoy my vacation with them and know that it is the ‘next step’ to us being ‘us’. So sad and so empowering all at the same time.
Congrats to you and your motion. May I follow your footsteps. The cheesy novel is more real than I ever could believe and I’m horrified that I’ve been playing a part. Maybe someday I’ll make some real money on a ‘Desperate Housewives’ show. I have several episodes in back log!
never thought I’d be writing on a blog!
Sue
November 19th, 2006 at 11:08 pm
To Evan
I think you’re great, it’s rare to see ‘commitment’ and responsibility in men these days, or maybe it’s just my luck.
I too believe very much in my marriage vow – through good and bad times right? True, there may have been something, some lapses in moment in the marriage that caused him to look ‘outside’. Realities of life set in, after the honeymoon, the great in-love feeling of ‘now you are my husband, I’m your wife’. Kids, career, domestic issues, lack of emotional support, etc. Been there, done that.
He said he would give the marriage another try and ‘let’s forget about the divorce’, that he would just ‘be friends’ with the op, that i need to be patient becos he needs to ’settle’ it.
Then when he comes home from seeing the op, he will behave differently again.
He said he’s afraid what if he really thinks he’s not in love with me anymore, that he doesn’t think there’s anything left in the marriage? He said he doesn’t want to be ’stuck’ with me for the next 40 years, just becos it’s a marriage, that he thinks he should begin a new life (with the op, right?)
I have moved past the phase of being angry with his infidelity, the betrayal. This is his second affair- well, almost. After the 1st one ended 5 years ago, he confessed there was something going on with someone, but it didn’t work out.
We’ve been married for 13 years, I’m 38, he’s 39.We have 2 kids, 9 and 7 of age. I’ve been to counselling, I read, I pray.
I’ve seen a priest; i’m told divorce is not a sin.
I know I still love him, I think of ways to rebuild the marriage, to bring back the love, joy, the laughter and happiness that we had.I’ve forgiven, and am prepared to move on to move forward, with him.
But I feel like a fool, an idiot, deceiving myself. Do you still hold on to the love and marriage, for a spouse who thinks he is not in love with you anymore, who thinks he’s in love with this op and should begin his life with this op?
There is nothing I want more than to have his love again, for our marriage to work out, for him to be there for the children.
What happened to the marriage vow that we took? Does one simply stop loving the spouse that he/she is married to and begin to ‘look’ for love outside the marriage?
I tell myself I have to be strong, to be able to ‘let go’ and move on. Yet in me somewhere there’s hope, there’s love.
It’s breaking my heart into pieces – I wish I too could just move on, to ‘begin a new life’ just like him.
Any advice please, anyone?
November 20th, 2006 at 12:00 am
What does a man mean when he says he feels love now ? Is he saying he feels he’s being loved by the op, which I can’t make him feel?
First he said he wanted to try with me again. Next moment he said he wonders if he chooses to be with me, will he ever ‘find love again, will he be capable of loving me as he feels love now’.
He knows I love him.
Gosh, I’m so confused now – do i give up or do i hang on?
November 20th, 2006 at 3:20 pm
Chan, I feel the same way. My husband said he felt dead in our marriage and the OW made him feel something for the first time in a long time. He thought it was real and that his feelings for me were gone, so he left to live with her. But since he’s been gone, we are growing closer and he says he now feels confused and feels sadness for leaving and love when with me. But I think he is afraid it is a temporary feeling so he is taking the time to see what “his heart says”. Maybe our warm and loving feels towards each other are nostalgia, maybe they are the way we’ve always felt for each other but became buried and numbed out by life’s trials. My therapist said that sometimes people need to part in order to come back together. But how long do I hold on, he cries when he leaves me to go back to their apartment. He is spending more time here with me and our daughter than he is there. Is this normal??? He has been moved out for a little over 3 weeks. we’ve decided to give it 2 months which will bring us to Christmas. I now feel like the other woman… but it is nice because I am getting the attention and love and yearning. Is that vengeful of me to acknowledge that and to feel satisfaction in the fact that she is the one he is lying to and pulling away from. I don’t know…
November 20th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
Here’s a funny email i received recently that I thought I’d share with you all. Please read and have a good laugh – I did!!! It’s entitled “The Jilted Wife” and she’s a genius.
She spent the first day packing her belongings
into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers
come and collect her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the
last time at their
beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some
soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and
every room and stuffed
half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into
the hollow of all of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and
left.
When the husband returned with his new
girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to
smell. They tried
everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the
place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners
were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked. People stopped
coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work
in the house. The maid
quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to
move. A month later, even though they had cut
their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local
realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge
sum of money from the
bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called
the man, and asked how
things were going. He told her the saga of the
rotting house. She
listened politely, and said that she missed her
old home terribly, and
would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for
getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell
was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had
been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She
agreed, and within the
hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week
later the man and his
girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack
everything to take to their new home, including
the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU????
November 21st, 2006 at 4:58 am
To Chan,
You are giving this man way to much power. He doesn’t even have to dicide what he wants becaue he has everything. Your love is total and he knows he can come home anytime he wants. I am being blunt and I am sorry. I have opened a new chapter in a blank book that is my life and started to write.
Hearing you and others still being abused, and make no mistake this is abuse, just ticks me off to no end. This isn’t a game. People’s hopes and dreams are riding in the balance and these cheaters are so childish it’s just mean.
Sounds to me like your standing in a burning house and your trying to see how much smoke you can suck down before the walls fall in on you.
You will only take so much of this you know. Deciding when enough is enough is the tricky part. All I can say for sure is, standing there letting him throw wood on the fire either through action or inaction does absolutely nothing.
I know you want him back. I know you love him. If you didn’t you would never even consider taking him back after him being with someone else.
Until he see’s the writing on the wall he doesn’t have to make anykind of decision girl. If you start over one day at a time, stop owning the pain you didn’t create and live your life for your children and yourself, this will come to a conclusion one way or the other much much faster.
That is what you want isn’t it? An end to this pain and drama. So what if he doesn’t come back. You have still moved forward and are closer to being normal and happy again. You have lived for him long enough.
Live for you and if he comes back or when you find someone else, still live for you. He’s taking for granted how much you love him and until you stop taking your own self worth for granted, it will never end. Why would it. You going to stick it out until he gets bored with her?
Why do we all have so much love to give but seem to forget to keep any of it inside for ourselves? We have to learn to be fully functioning, free thinking and self loving human beings. Why would anyone else love us if we don’t even love ourselves.
Chan, you need to get out of that speeding car before it hits the wall. I don’t care how much you love that car. Get out!!! Let it hit the wall and if you want to give it another go, take it to the body shop and throw some paint on it. If not buy youself a new car and keep driving down the street. Sitting in the passenger seat with no control, just waiting to see if you survive the crash you know is sure to come, is just crazy.
I hope that helped and I didn’t seem to mean. I’m on a different level then I was a few weeks ago and I’m the guy standing on the side walk watching you screaming towards that wall, yelling for you to jump from the car.
I am not over my wife, I still hurt, I still cry but I’m not sitting in an out of control car or sucking on fumes anymore.
You will get there to but I assure you, loving yourself will get you there so much faster. Please Chan, you are worth it.
Evan
November 21st, 2006 at 12:57 pm
To Chan: I read all these heartfelt messages and I am comforted knowing we are not alone because so much of our stories are similar. Spouse is on the fence, loves both you and the op, can’t make up their mind meanwhile stringing us along. They are afraid of PAYING THE PRICE of making a decision. Chan if your husband has cheated like this before and more than once in such a short time of marriage, do you think he will ever be faithful? Don’t you deserve someone who is true to you and your child? It is so discouraging to see there are so many cheating people out there who are selfish and only concerned about themselves and their wants. My husband is the same. Waiting for either me or the op to make a decision because he doesn’t have the ba–s to do what he wants and face the music of disrespect from family and friends. Let’s worry about ourselves, do what we want, think about our future and make lives of our own. Forget him. At least for the time being and concentrate on yourself. The future can be bright if we would only let it. Get busy and do for ourselves and I think everything will turn out okay. There is a reason for crap like this to happen. I am tired of being depressed and thinking of him with his op. I deserve better and so do you.
November 21st, 2006 at 4:24 pm
To Evan I was just wondering how your date went? If you don’t want to tell I understand.
November 21st, 2006 at 8:45 pm
Wow! Reading the messages from all of you wonderful, caring individuals has really opened my eyes. There are SO many of us out there with unfaithful spouses who have put us in this bottomless pit, making us feel helpless, hurt, and humiliated…while they’re having a good time!
Their excuses of: (1.)”finding themselves”, (2.)seeking “relief” from stress and/or boredom and/or getting older, and (3.)trying to find an “escape” from the responsibilities in their lives, are all tired old excuses for (1.) wanting to have sex with someone else, (2.) wanting to have sex with someone else, and (3.) wanting to have sex with someone else.
There may be other things going on, but in most cases, I believe sexual adventure or sexual excitement is what they crave, to make themselves conjure up a more attractive image of themselves.
Meanwhile, the faithful partner is the one who suffers, who worries about the family, and feels crummy…but we’re not the ones who committed the wrongdoing!
I’m almost 60, and my H is in his mid-60’s, and he’s had two lengthy affairs within the last 3 years with younger women, and it’s still going on.
We’ve been married for over 30 years and our children are grown, well-educated and well-adjusted…and they will have nothing to do with their dad. I’m grateful to still have very loving and close relationships with our children in spite of their father’s actions. They all knew about the affairs before I did. They understand that I’m still living with H because of my age and health problems, and a subsequent need for financial & other types of security he provides. H does not want a divorce, and I don’t either because I don’t think I could live thru that strain.
I think what’s happened over time, my friends, is that although it still hurts that H is “seeing” (getting it on with) someone else, H and most unfaithful spouses do it mainly because having sex with someone else makes them feel cool & important, and that’s about as shallow as a person can be. It doesn’t have a lot to do with us, or anything we “could/would/should” have done.
I came to this conclusion because look what kind of company we’re in (!): Jackie Kennedy Onassis, Ethel Kennedy, Hilary Clinton, Mrs. Coretta Scott King, Princess Diana, Mrs. Jesse Jackson, and more recently, beauties Halle Barry and Christie Brinkley, and SO many others…these are beautiful, accomplished women in their own right…and all their husbands cheated. (I’m sure there are many famous female spouses who have cheated, too!) Historicaly, we’ve all dealt, or are still dealing, with the pain.
I think each of us here should receive a badge of courage for dealing with the “challenges” that infidelity created for us. It seems to me there’s an infidelity epidemic going on, but it also appears there always has been! That’s what we’re all up against. We all really are in this together, connected by an invisible bond, but I feel that it is there just the same. After reading your insightful messages, I believe sharing our questions, experiences, suffering, wisdom, and hope helps us all, and helps lead us to the right road for each of us. Thank you for giving so much of yourself. You’ve encouraged me more than you could ever know.
I love you all, and I mean it.
November 22nd, 2006 at 5:53 am
To Unsure,
I didn’t go. I just wasn’t ready. Sorry if I took the easy way out. They say all good things come to those who wait. Sounds pretty corny really. I am still married after all. Think I might do something about that soon though. I’m not wearing my wedding band anymore and sleeping well.
If there is one thing that I can suggest to you that is distance. If you talk to him often and see him often, feels weird saying him because I’m a guy, you will find it much harder to get along alone then if you make it less often between contacts. And try to keep those contacts short. Hard at first believe me but will get easier.
He won’t have as much power and I assure you that day by day you will feel stronger and stronger standing alone as the powerful, independant, purposeful individual you will become and who someone will recognize you as and love you for.
Who knows, maybe he will catch up. Who knows maybe my wife will catch up as well. And who knows, maybe when or if she does my wants won’t be the same. Everything changes with time. You know happiness is in your future as do I. It just feels so very far away right now doesn’t it? Be strong. I know you can be.
I have to tell you something. At first I thought life was just over. I mean who the heck was I if not her husband. Now though, I still wish it could be the way it was on one hand, but also somewhere deep down inside me, I don’t ever want her back and just want to know that she gets the opportunity to hurt as badly inside as I have. Funny how a little time and distance can change the way you see the world.
I’ve actually been kinda hoping that her paramour would just get hit by a bus or something but I think thats just a male perspective. With girls I think the thoughts involve more hands on approaches and knives.Just kidding. Well not really I guess. That will pass to trust me. Somebody said something earlier in the blog about leftovers and that kinda stuck with me.
Have faith, if in nothing else, in yourself. Most of the greatest rewards in life are found at the end of surviving the most chaotic of circumstances. You know like all that girly stuff about storms and rainbows and stuff. You have to smile now at least a little because I’m sounding like a total dork.
Evan
November 22nd, 2006 at 9:39 am
Let me give some ladies and gents a little advise. I went and purchased a digital voice recorder and put it in his car and heard all I needed to hear. Some of you, who are still wondering if h/s is still talking to the other person and if in your heart thats all you need to kick him out or move on. I suggest that you buy one too. It really works.
November 22nd, 2006 at 9:40 am
To Evan and Jean
Thanks for your advices. Saw a psychiatrist today, who basically said the same thing – that cheaters like him are narcissistic, selfish and irresponsible. In short, he is not worth it!
Thanks for the encouragement! Feeling better now; will pick myself up.
November 22nd, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Glad to hear you are feeling better Chan. It seems like every day is different. Saw my spouse yesterday and will again over the next few days. AAHHHHHHHHH! Evan, you are so right. I think seeing him less might be helpful because it hurts so much to be constantly rejected and knowing he is seeing op. Yet, he is staying in contact with me more than he has in the past. Meanwhile, as independent as I thought I was, I need to hang a ceiling fan and replace my car filter. Both I do not know how to do and hate to have to rely on him yet there is no one else to help. I hate that. It is nice to know I am not the only one who dreams of the op meeting an accident. I sooooooooo think of that. How can so much of us be hurting yet, all of us feel so alone? I keep thinking I need to get out more and meet people but where? And I need sex. Where the hell do I get my needs met? I know many of you feel the same. I keep thinking of the future; bright, possibilities, options, then alone at night I fall apart. The kids suffer because they are being ignored. What a mess. It has to get better, please. Evan, you sound like a great catch, not a dork. Hope everything turns out well for everyonel. This blog has been great therapy.
November 22nd, 2006 at 1:21 pm
Just wanted to tell all of you Happy Thanksgiving! For some it will be a hard day, holidays can be, and like Evan mentioned, Holidays with craving knives..hmmm kidding(laughter is important sometimes).
Evan, I didn’t want to write earlier when you where asking about it being okay to go on a date, but I think you did more right by following your gut and not going. Here is why I feel that way, which is opposite of what many others may feel, but maybe when a person thinks about it, it won’t seem so ridicules. You are still married and I’m glad you recognize that, even though you have been “wronged” and the boundries of your marriage have been violated by your spouse. You need to finish your relationship with your spouse before you start another. Now I’m not saying you need to necessarily have the divorce papers in hand and finalized, but I truly believe the whole thing needs to be in process and fully communicated to your spouse that it is over. “Fully communicated” is the key to what I’m saying. Today’s bad situations are often made worse because the situation ends up being complicated by “our” actions that we certainly have earned the right to do because of our spouses behavior. Your spouse could turn a “new relationship” that you develop with someone against you, especially if it became physical, making the courts now view you as no different than her. Take the higher road, get the word communicated, file the papers and then you truly can move on and be happy! Does that make sense??? God Bless you! By the way did you all see the new blog article? I’m going to check it out.
Oh and Tracy, the digital recorders confirm the erased cell phone call logs, the use of ON Star and so goes the story. I’ve always tried to be carefully about disclosing my monitoring devices as I know my spouse could find this blog if he wanted too. Unlike him, my e-mails, cell bills, computer history and “life” is an open book, not “password protected”.
God Bless all of you.
November 22nd, 2006 at 3:54 pm
Too Dee
I wasnt going to respond to your entry but couldnt help myself. Regarding your advice to Evan and about waiting til its over. Well I dont know how much of a door mat people think they should be for others but something Dr. Bob said that is so true. ITS NEVER OVER. And frankly if someone doesnt have the guts to be their own person and give someone back a little of what they giving then maybe thats why they get treated that way. because their character pussy foots around these people grovelling like the sun wont shine without them in it. Well its been 4 yrs for me and it never going to be over I will tell you that. And the sun does shine once in a while and sometimes we have to be smart enough also to catch one of those rays and keep it for ourselves.
Sometimes its difficult to fully communicate anything to your spouse when their heads are in the gutter so to apeak another thing I learned from Dr Bob. I am not sure what high road you speak of just putting up with crap like this means you are already on the higher road. And why are you so worried if he knows what your doing and who you talk to , maybe he should know in fact you deserve him to know. why would you hide it that shows shame. dont be ashamed of your feelings if you cant share them with him also there is little point to anything. I am not trying to upset you. The courts dont give a dam about who you are seeing its only about whats yours and mine and settling things with the kids the rest is totally irrelevant .
Hes lucky you hung in for three years and I hope for your soul that youve thrown him to the dogs. Just because someone entered a marraige committment doesnt mean they should punish themselves if they cant change it. A date probably would have done him some good. No he doesnt have to drop his pants becausse he went out with her and just because she is the opposite sex doesnt mean she couldnt have just been a good friend just like a guy as without those people in our lives we could never get through these things. Theres a reason for the saying what goes around comes around if there wasnt it wouldnt be a saying Take care Dee
November 22nd, 2006 at 10:15 pm
Oh Shennie you so miss what I was saying. I know communication is not always easy…I’m still there fighting it. What I was telling Evan was to tell her he’s moving on and is going to finalize his marriage. You need to tell your spouse that when it is clear you have made your decision to move on. Evan seems to be ready to move on. And, I fully agree with you that it’s never really over when there are children involved. But the marriage can be over and he can enter into a relationship with someone that will love him equally. Dr. Phil would even tell you not to jump into another relationship until you have finished the one you’re in. And, what I meant by him taking the High Road, is the road he is already on, he is not going to let his spouse strip him of his happiness, he see that and wants to move on. Putting up with it is not what any of us should ever settle for, trying to work it out is one thing and helping them thru it until they “get it” is sometimes what we need to do, but we should never settle for it.
As for being afraid of my spouse knowing what I’m doing, I’m not afraid of that, I told you my life is an open book. My advice to Tracy was that of one given to me by an attorney. How can your monitoring systems work, if they know about them and when to avoid them. As for the courts caring about “what you are doing” it does make a difference if you are before the courts and your spouse is trying to turn the tables on you and deem you as unfit. Pretty hard for that to ever occur if you haven’t put yourself out there for someone to make something more of something than it really was. And as far as changing it, we all have that choice to change our committment, we can do it the right way by filing for divorce or we can do it the wrong way as our spouses have done by stepping out of the committment with lies and deception while letting the other person in the committment believe that everything is fine.
I’m truly sorry that you feel that I implied that there would be any pants dropping, I was just trying to say that if the relationship materialized…on a future date things could become physical.
I’m not the least upset with your reply, I just think you mis-interrupted it and if anything I’m sorry that you did, it was not my intentions to make you or anyone feel bad, we all feel bad enough just going through what we are. Again, I’m sorry my words weren’t written very well, hopefully this reply will help clarify things.
November 23rd, 2006 at 12:40 am
To Dee
I am sorry I guess I did misinterpret some of what you said and I do also appreciate that you clarified it for me and thank you for that. I just know that I loved my spouse so completely also that I was willing to forgive him not just for the affair, or that it was with someone over 20 yrs younger, I was willing to forgive him also for the humiliation he put me through, the neglect, the abuse, the lack of returned love, respect , consideration, what it had done to my kids to live it etc etc. I was willing to raise the child for him that they had together, i was willing to forgive him for everything and anything. I put my heart out on the line and it was lied to cheated some more, promised to love again, there was no end to it really. Eventually I realized that if I was the only one willing to give this one sided undonditional love then what did it really mean. If I had only realized earlier that if he had felt the way I did then we wouldnt have ben in this position in the first place and by me living on hope and dreams of something that didnt exist I hurt myself even more than he did and I will never forgive myself for that. For believing in something I wanted but wasnt there in reality for if it were he would have known when it first happend and not put my life through the hell . Its never over and the hell never ends.I just think if maybe I hadnt hung onto nothing for soooo long that just maybe I could feel like a normal person somehow. Maybe i am wrong about that too. I just dont know anymore I just dont know. What I do know is that i am just so sad and my life , well I guess I just hate it and I have his unconditional love to thank for it. Thanks Dee for not being upset and for your reply.
November 23rd, 2006 at 5:59 am
To Tracy
Oh, my goodness … I hope that you’re stll reading this board … A digital voice recorder in his car … That’s GENIUS!! My H is on his cell phone before he gets out of the driveway, and stays in the car up to 20 minutes (on his cell) before coming in the house. He says that he’s “listening to the radio”. But I know better!
My questions are – what type of recorder did you use? Where in the world did you put it in the vehicle so that he didn’t see or hear it? Did you have any trouble hearing recordings when the radio/CD player was on? And didn’t the radio trigger the device and cause the batteries to run down and/or run out of recordable space?
I ask these questions because my H’s car is like his ‘rolling safe deposit box’. Although, unbeknowst to him, I have a set of keys, when he’s home it’s difficult for me to get in there without arousing suspicion. However, it CAN be done! :-)
I’ve been trying to squirrel away enough money to purchase one of those GPS devices that you hide under the car to track his coming and goings. But in the meantime, the voice recorder would help determine whether or not he’s still lying to me about not talking to the OW “as much as he used to”.
Trust is a big issue for me now, and I can not/will believe anything he tells me as long as he continues to have a “friendship” (sure!) with her. It really would be nice if I could confirm what my gut is telling me.
I’d truly appreciate any information you can pass along.
Thanks!
November 23rd, 2006 at 9:26 am
To Alone
Just go into any electronic shop and tell them your needs, like the future shop and they will direct you. Surely there is another way to find confirmation of what your gut is telling you. Do you really want to hear him pouring his heart out to the OP, will you be haunted by it for the rest of your life the things you hear.There is some merit to the less you know the better as long as you knnow enough it might be to your best interests and your mind to leave it at that. there are a ton of ways to tell if he is still lying just look back to all of Dr. bob info, I think the prob is most of us just dont want to believe its true so we keep looking for more info when we prob have enough. I only say this because something that happen to me will stick with me forever, When he left to be with this OP my kids and I were at a dance comp away for the weekend, he was mad he didnt know where we were because he was too busy tending to her and so in his madness they left a message of the two of them making love on my answering machine from beginning to end. I wish I never listened to that message because it will haunt me forever and to know how vindictive our spouses can be when they are the ones dishing it out in the first place makes me sick the total lack of everything they have come to possess to do such cruel things to others . He certainly proved himself to be not the person I knew but someone else. sometimes thats what involvement with the OP does to them it changes who they are and their values and will justify them any way they can. Hope you get confirmation for yourself so you dont have to be in limbo. Limbo does strange things to our minds and souls and causes us to question ourselves when we probably shouldnt
November 23rd, 2006 at 11:12 am
To Sue
I just went over all your entries and your situation is much like my own. Its been almost 4 yrs the worst of my life and I am on this blog not to save a marraige that both people were obviously not committed to but to help others to maybe save them some time and unecessary heartache that I didnt have the opportunity of. I never found these blogs when I needed them. I know you love him and will probably continue to be drawn back even if you say your done. One thing I have learned from these blogs is that everyone here has the greatest advice for others but I think that they rarely take their own advice sadly. Anyway try to detach yourself as Dr. Bob says they will drag you through it with them. They are selfish and only think of themselves as much as we wish they think of us too they will not. they will tell us they do they will keep us strung along as long as we let them because they can use our deep love for them to do this. But if you allow it I have come to learn through my own experience you will only hurt more in the end . The longer we drag it out the less chance there is for recovery. I believe recovery is only possible if it is done right away. Yeah I suppose there are some who wait a long time and think its going to happen but the longer the time the more total recovery is not possible but merely a hope that does not really exist. Look to your own words of advice to others and in that you should take your own advice that is the hardest thing for people to do, because often they give it but cannot do it themselves. Sue dont let this person keep you hanging on forever I did and I paid a bigger price for it. Dont let them squash your soul and smash your heart I did, I believed when I shouldnt have and I fell for the false words and promises. Find a purpose for your life and go headstrong into it because it may be the only thing that saves you because he will not, he is only concerned with saving himself. And you are rite you set the example for your kids. Its kinda funny how kids have more insight than we give credit for. One of my children made a comment to me when this happened. I told them he wanted to come back and that I was considering letting him but needed their input. My daughter said “dont you dare take him back just like that” I just looked at her dumbfounded like dont you want your parents back together and she said not this way and that I should sit back and not be a beggar. Looking back her words were so right because I think she must have seen or known more than I gave her credit for. I didnt really take her advice initially because I just thought she was a kid and didnt know what was best, Looking back she was smarter than her years .
You will never be the person in life you were meant to be if you go back and it will always interfere with your relationship and in the end you will have wasted so much of lifes precious time. Time that alot of people do not have the opportunity to waste. Take care of your kids but mostly take care of yourself because NO ONE else will, Kids grow up and move on with their own lives and if you hang on to your life with them too much you will end up empty. You deserve to be with someone who is more like you in the end your children wont respect you if you cant respect yourself enough to find someone to love you like they do. We cant live for them if we cant live for ourselves and if we dont we have taught them nothing in the end.
I so hope you save yourself time and see it all for what it really is . Be selfish for you for once
November 23rd, 2006 at 3:42 pm
To MS I hope to share something with you that for either way your life goes. I am a male and over 20 yrs ago my partner cheated on me with someone, she said she was genuinely sorry, it was only one night stand stuff and she did not get emotionally involved it was just for the sex. Anyhow when I found out she told me to leave and that she was sorry, I didnt want to leave as she was my love and life. She told me that she learned a valuable lesson from hurting someone so much and it was something she would never do again. She told me if I wanted to stay and move forward that I had to forgive her to really start over so I told her I would and not hold it against her. Through the years I was always suspicious checking this and that and its something I dont think a person can truly stop doing as much as they would like to. I would question her every phone call , time he departures, call to see where she was etc. we went on to have children and continued our lives. Eventually my suspicions turned to abuse meaning emotional abuse of her how she looked the way she dressed who her friends were etc. I couldnt stop no matter what, she never stepped out again for the over 20 yrs that followed, she was faithful and gave me many children, was a great mother and devoted to our family, but no matter what or how wonderful she was I couldnt let it go and allow her the chance to finally not have it held against her. She took it like a pro and took it insideof herself. She only complained when my anger got really bad. She would lash back, and I would apologize realizing what I was doing. 26 yrs later I cheated. I am not sure why but even though she was faithful I could never stop . You can never really let it go and completely forgive someone, I spent over 20 yrs of my life trying only for us both to end up apart. It never really goes away and if you cannot completely accept what happened even if you think you can. It never goes back like it used to be even if the person is 100% faithful, and somehow thats just not enough. We should have realized to find new relationships that really have new beginings because you can never really begin again. The crutch will always be there for both people forever question is do you want to carry it for life I wish I hadnt. For her sake and mine.Letting it go would have shown real love. , if you love someone set them free free not to come back but to have real love again because infidelety causes tainted real love
November 24th, 2006 at 12:28 am
Shennie,
Thanks so much for the message. It is Thanksgiving night and I’ve just returned from a trip I was fortunate enough to take my kids on to take us away from this mess for the week. We all learned what I had hoped we would, but was not sure we would……..we have gained confidence and are stronger. Of course, stronger is a relative term. I’m leaving again tomorrow for my high school reunion and he is coming to stay with the kids. He decided to use our time away as a vacation (went ‘out of the country’…..won’t tell us where) with the OP. Despite many promises, did not call the kids the whole week. Mind you, he agreed to our trip saying that he hoped he could ‘figure it out’ and join us when we planned it.
They are very hurt and angry. I’m trying to detach and let the chips fall where they may. So hard. How can this happen???? You are so right. I’m trying to take my own advice and feel like I am acting, but it is so hard. I hope that time will heal and I will get there sooner. Bitterness is not something I want to hang on to, but the continual abuse of feelings is hard.
You’ve all been amazing in your advice and sharing of experiences. I am continuing to try to stay in the day and not get knotted up in the past or future. I’m praying it works in the end. I don’t want to bury my feelings under the couch, but I need to move on at the same time.
Will he figure it out??? I think he’s too scared to do so. I think he’ll try harder to make the OP work for fear of being alone. So be it. I can’t be abused and be able to make it work at the same time.
My kids have told me as much…….very clearly…..this week as well. I find it amazing that they continue to come to the same place without me saying anything. No wonder he things I’m feeding them info. Kids do know. They live with it the same as we do…..not the same, but they live with it. I just keep saying “What a shame.”
As I said before, good luck to all of us. We need the luck on top of the incredible work this emotional toll brings. If we managed to raise well adjusted kids……..wow! I pray for that more than anything else.
Have thanks for what we do have. It’s hard to see some days, but is very real.
November 24th, 2006 at 9:50 am
To Sue
You are right about the alone part, my ex even said that to me once she was gone to visit her mother and left him there and he couldnt handle it for a week he said well you have the kids , sorry not the same thing dude. They have no backbone to stand alone. There neediness drives them, and its really all about them. You are right dont get knotted in the past it is exactly that the past and in reality means nothing today or tomorrow. But do relish today and look to a future somehow its hard for me to even take my own advice to because my responsibilies here are so overwhelming that it can really get me down and often.
If you really think about it in the long run, do you really want to be with someone who could do this to you. They have already broken the marraige by commiting adultery. Its like breaking a bone yes it can be repaired but will always be terribly weak and may break easily again or be susceptible to infection, disease, swelling ,arthritis.etc.
I have made some more of my own realizations lately. I have learned in life that everyone is full of words and words can sometimes mean absolutely nothing. 2 yrs ago I was talking with someone and they text me a message on my phone. I havent used this phone in a year but always remembered the message, I pulled my old phone out last night to read it , I guess I kept it for a reason. The message reads this,
“WELL SOMETIMES PEOPLE WILL SAY OR DO THINGS THEY DONT REALLY MEAN OR FEEL TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF OR MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FEEL A CERTAIN WAY”
Ive never really took that message to heart but now I think I should. Life in general is full of these people and it is such crap. People think and feel something one day and another the next that to me is as wishy washy as it gets, how can anyone know what to feel when our emotions and feelings are being pushed and pulled by others mostly to their own advantage.Our ex’s are not the only people in life who are fencesitters.
This weekend is my birthday and Im hoping its not another empty holiday for me in fact because of this message I have decided to change the kind of person I am. I have begun to hate being a nice person people take advantage of your kindness, they use you till its no longer advantageous to them, nice people finish last. People are full of empty words and im not listening or taking to heart peoples words any longer, its the actions I will listen to. Even when you move on life is full of them and can be tough to weed them out. Its surprising how many people really play games with your heart , they just dont stop and think about what they are saying before they say it because you are nice enough to listen and be helpful. I dont want to be that nice person no more , Ive never been a fence sitter but this time I am jumping over to the other side, I am not going to wear my heart on my sleeve any longer and am done being nice it just doesnt pay or have any benefits at all. It will be hard to be selfish and self serving but I am determined to change who I am so others cannot constantly use my kindness and then throw it away. I would bet my last dollar you are the same think about it now dont wait it only prolongs it
I will be thinking of you and praying for you Sue. Make yourself number one not your kids there number 2, I made that mistake too and am in the middle of switching fence sides with them, one day they will be gone and I will be back to just me so it is important . Its not wrong. My aunt is a phychologist and i have had many conversations with her about this stuff, she had 8 kids and thats the way she plays the game and I am slowly learning to take my ques from her, because i see it has worked well for her and she hasnt lost who she is because her life is about her and thats how it should be, She is a more selfish, self centred person and no one takes advantage of her and thats how she has survivied and gone on to be happy. Everyone loves her and no one judges her for being this way in fact they respect her. You will make it Sue but whatever you do. do it for you not for him or the kids , they will learn from watching you and respect yoou in the long run for loving yourself and you will have taught them to love themself by example. try to keep that in mind and hold that message close to your heart as you can. Shes down for a visit and time for me to catch up with her and steal some of her strength lol
November 24th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
to Shennie,
(CA)
You are right actions do speak louder than words. Love is give and take not give, give give. At the same time though if your not willing to give first then you soemtimes never get the opportunity to take or be given what you need for yourself.
It’s been four years for you and it seems like you are still judging others by the actions of the one and not affording yourself the opportunity to grow past this betrayal.
There is someone out there that will love you and your children exactly as you have longed for. Don’t fear to risk that which is so golden inside of you, your heart.
Otherwise when that person becomes known you just might make the mistake of cutting them off at the knees before they are able to invest enough of themselves in you to fully appreciate all of those special qualities that are inside.
You have loved completely before. Don’t let the fear of that failure stop you from doing it again. Your values are high. Nothing wrong with that. Don’t give them the appearance of a brick wall with barbed wire at the top because no one will ever try to climb over and then who is the loser then?
I can’t and have never pretended like I don’t love my wife or don’t want us to succeed. If I have to let go of that dream then it is my sincere hope that I am able to forgive her, thus freeing myself from the burden of holding a grudge and being linked to her through my anger, and go out into the world again and find someone with values as grand as yours.
I can’t do that though until the time is right for me and hopefully I wont have that wall around my heart keeping anyone from looking at what’s inside. I will be careful as well when this time comes as should you but if you don’t take the risks you won’t ever find any gains.
Evan
November 25th, 2006 at 2:10 pm
He keeps saying to me he wants a divorce, he wants to buy me out of our house and he will help me with the rent when I move out. He says “he wants to be alone” and the OP is not coming to live in our house. He says he is still ringing her but not seeing her (as if I can believe that after all his lies)I have stopped ringing him during the week but he rings me up to see if I am OK. He is only home at weekends, but doesn’t pursue his hobby (motorbikes), just sits about watching what I am doing. We are in separate bedrooms, and he hides his wallet, phone etc in his room and shuts the door. I am losing patience with all this, I seem to have no life at weekend as most friends and relations steer clear, but to leave the house that we chose together and all the dreams we had have just gone down the pan will really break my heart. I am not frightened going it alone, as I nearly live on my own now, but my brain is mushy and I can’t understand why he comes home at weekends, rings me up when he wants rid of me. Any ideas anyone? One minute I think he is starting to think about getting together again and then the next he doesn’t. I’m going nuts with this situation.
November 25th, 2006 at 7:29 pm
Well hello everyone,
I am so happy that i finally took a chance and read through the blogs. Wow !!!! So many people are experiencing the same things that i am and while I know its hard — I feel a little relieved as I can read your entries and take a little advice. Its a little lonely sometimes, you can’t tell everyone what you are experiencing — but somehow, everyone else seems to be doing better than you are. My H has been involved with a younger w for almost four years now. We separated for @ one year before that because of his depressions & my early menopause (I couldn’t have sex early on). This also came after nine years of my tolerating various affairs, however, once we married — he remained monogamous for the first five years of it. Once I decided to leave him – he decided to get another person (younger & same birth day). During that period I have been harrassed by her and he has even answered his cell phone in my face when she called.
Fast forward to today — I had to press charges on the op who verbally harrassed me and even stalked me.
Long and short of it is that I want out. He wont go. We have a son (10yrs old). We own the home together. For @ one year now he stays at the op every other nite. Some days are torture and the nites are hell, however, I am finding strength and believe that it will be over very soon. I’m glad I read about ‘detaching yourself’ because that is what I have been trying to do. Its very hard sometimes though — when he is adament about returning every other day. Sometimes I feel like driving until I cant drive anymore, however, I know that there is another more beautiful life for me after this. I love my son and my career. Throwing my energies into each does help sometimes, but, believe me — sometime I seethe & can’t soothe the pain.
We get along sometimes, then other times are very bad. I have become physically abusive to him when arguments happen.
Please pray for me. I know that this is not the way my life should be.
November 26th, 2006 at 2:06 am
Shennie or any one else that is still listening………
I have gotten so much stength from this blog. However, I’ve just gotten home from my 25th high school reuion……great in so many ways, but so sad too. And my husband was with the kids in my house. I say my house because that is what is has become. He insisted on having dinner and I was too weak to deny. I was strong enough to say what needed to be said, but am left feeling very hurt.
Seeing him again is not OK. I know this web site is set up for how to make it work for us………whatever that means. However, the in between is so painful. He’s trying to string me along all the while not believing he is doing so. I’m fighting it, but all the while wondering what it is that I really want. He is crying and I am strong. He leaves and I am crying. What does all this mean??? No one really knows, but I am left in misery.
And what will my son say to his sleep over friend who doesn’t know? No dad in the AM. Too much to deal with.
I guess I’m serving papers as soon as possible, but not feeling good about it. How could this happen to a ‘happy family’…….things were not rosy, but not so bad either. Is she worth it??? I guess so. I will never understand that. Espescially when he doesn’t either. Maybe that is the answer. He is so driven by her that the rest doesn’t really matter.
So sad. I hope someone reads this, but if not still so good to write it out.
Again………..good luck to us all.
November 27th, 2006 at 6:01 am
Evan
He says although he has forgiven me for all those times that we quarrelled and fought, he cannot forget. He said I and all those quarrels and fights had driven him to ‘bitterness’ and he can never be the same again with me.
Evan, are men so unforgiving in heart ? Or has he really found an op who has no temper in her, who will not quarrel and fight with him ?
Guess that means ‘the end’ doesn’t it ?
It’s so heartbreaking, I was hoping and praying that we could start all over…
Any advice, anyone please ?
November 27th, 2006 at 1:25 pm
To Evan
I do appreciate your insight into my life, but until you know all the details you cannot judge people. I feel like you are accusing me of judging others based on my experience and in that you are also judging me without knowing all. There are alot of times where people give and it does not come back. In a perfect world that should probably stand true. This is far from a perfect world and it is possible to give and first and not get back. I have never been one to pass judgement on anyone without first learning about them. There have been times where I have heard rumors about people and not based my own opinion until I know first hand. I always give the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. It is possible that sometimes you give too much and others just come to expect it because they know you will keep on. Anyway I appreciate your comments but there really is no set stone in life to say if you do this that should definately happen because we all have so many other factors that affect us to take into consideration Just because I still have my own moments of despair means I am only human . You say you have completely fogiven but you would only be human also to still have moments of anger or resentment for the pain you have had to live through. I hope this doesnt offend you as it is not intended that way
November 27th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
To Sue
If you are serving papers you will find out soon enough exactly where you stand because often it forces them to make a move either way. Only then will you truly know what is going on. Things like this are never fair, its just the way it is. If they were fair we wouldnt need this blog. Just take care of you because he wont even if he says he will beware. It can take years if ever for some of these people to face the truth about themselves, whatever you do dont stand around waiting for it to happen They are not living by the rules of rhyme or reason and if they really saw what they were doing they would likely have a total breakdown. It is often easier for these types to go the other way so they dont have to face that part, I think its the minds way of protecting themselves from this total breakdown.
Just try hard to keep your life full of things that make you feel good. I am thinking of you and hope the third party goes away so you two can sort it out. Its the only way you can, if the third party isnt gone be prepared for it to just keep dragging out. All my best to you Sue
November 27th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
Chan,
I’m confused. What does he have to forgive you for? I’m sure you said things out of anger, hurt frustration, maybe you even knocked him up side the head a couple times. I’m sure you weren’t always right.
The circumstances were dictated by him not you. Your reactions, right or wrong, were a result of having to deal with a scenario beyond your control. He chose to go outside the marriage not you.
It sounds to me like he is trying to stay on the fence and justify his actions or inactions from your reactions and this simply is not fair. You must understand this.
Forgiveness is key. Your forgiveness of him as well as his forgiveness of himself. His forgiveness of you should be automatic and unconditional if not something he should forgive himself, for putting you in the position in the first place.
When he forgives himself he opens himself up to criticism and healing for himself and you. When you forgive him you open yourself up to recieve his love and be fair to him as well as let go of the toxic weight that having a grudge against someone brings.
Your getting played. He’s using your guilt and lack of self esteem against you to meet his needs. One of which is to free himself of culpability and that just is not the answer Chan.
This guilt is not yours to own. Leave it where it belongs, squarely on his shoulders, and if he can’t accept this then yes pure hearted girl, it sounds like it’s over.
Ouch, that hurt me just to say to you. What other option do you have? If you are so emotionally attached to him that you can’t let go, then wait it out and settle for what happens Chan. Is that the right thing to do? No way. But it’s your life Chan. You must make the decisions that are right for you from day to day and live with the consequences.
Accepting any kind of fault though is self destructive and unneccassary. Don’t punish yourself for his shortcomings as a man, husband and father. Don’t let him abuse you by trying to throw blame on you. What he has done is an offense so heinous that clearly he can’t accept or take responsibility for it.
The attempt to get you to accept any responsibility for this is just further abuse and you don’t have to choose to accept it. Be good to yourself. Your heart is in the right place, it’s your mind that’s screwing you up.
Reality really is a brutal thing sometimes. You already know the answers to all of the questions you are asking. Your not asking the right questions.
Those questions are, is it worth it to me to accept this behavior and take what’s given in the hopes of reconcilliation or not? Is the possible fruits of this labor worth being abused any longer and how much of this BS can I take before cutting loose?
Choosing to accept fault or guilt from sometimes poorly acted out reactions or accepting guilt for not being the person he wanted you to be, are not options with any possible positive gains.
He failed to communicate his needs and chose to look for them somewhere else instead of working with you to make them realities in his own marriage. He swore to do this to you and to God and failed to keep his word. You have no fault, no guilt that you do not choose to make your own.
Be good to yourself Chan, please. I’m worried about you and hope that you can come to understand what a wonderful person you are and live each day being good to yourself and your children, secure in the knowledge that you DID NOT make this happen.
Accept, don’t accept. Forgive, don’t forgive. Stay, go. Only you can take or not take these actions. It’s your life Chan. Sucks but there it is.
But DON’T EVER think for one second that there is anything wrong with you other than wanting to save your dream so badly, that you would be willing to be knocked around emotionally to do it. This is a weakness and it appears that just about every one of us has it. I’m mad at my-self for this weakness inside of my-self as should you be because I should have dropped my wifes ass a long time ago.
Look at the big picture, ask the right questions and be good to yourself Chan. You didn’t deserve to be betrayed, don’t deserve to be emotionally abused like this and by all means shouldn’t on any level abuse yourself by taking any responsibility what so ever for his actions.
Do something fun today OK. Take your kids to a movie. Eat to many nachos and know you are a rare and good person.
Evan
November 27th, 2006 at 4:58 pm
To Shennie,
I’m not judging anyone. You have been taken on a roller coaster ride from hell and you have all the empathy I have to give.
You clearly are a very strong minded and pasionate woman and deserve all the happiness life has to offer you.
Every betrayal talked about in this blog have very close similarities but at the same time, human nature is a very unpredictable thing.
Your incites are invaluable and the sharing of your experiences pure.
I pray for your happiness.
Evan.
November 27th, 2006 at 5:08 pm
To Sue,
I am very proud of you for standing up for yourself and drawing your line in the sand. You asked how this can happen to a good family.
I just don’t know. There is no rhyme or reason to it Sue. just one of those cosmic questions I guess.
You sound like a woman worth loving. Just don’t forget to love yourself and one day you will be reflecting on this time in your life instead of living it. Guaranteed. Time doesn’t stop for any of us. It’s what you do with the time that’s important.
Be selfish, you deserve it.
Evan
November 27th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
To Evan
You are so right. Thank you so much for all your kind words. Your compassion and understanding of others and their feelings make you truly a blessing.
You have such valuable insight and I thank you so kindly for all of your support.
Without wonderful people like you people like me would be hit by a train im sure.
Thanks again so much for making my life just a little easier and helping me cope with things that are hard to accept and understand.
Things like this have a way of creating such turmiol in our lives it can become so very difficult to sort through.
You truly are a gift from god to all of us here
I wish nothing but the best for all of us whose lives have been thrown the curve of a lifetime.
Maybe just maybe in our consideration and understanding of one anothers difficulties and challenging feelings we can find a path to a new life somehow .
I hope we can all truly find a way to work through these confusing times we are all faced with by sharing as we all have and understanding one another through our clouded thoughts.
God knows these are our most difficult moments and in them we can trust and rely on one anothers complete support as we have shown each other in this blog.
To everyone, we will all make mistakes and hopefully there will be someone to understand why as everyone on this blog has.
Thanks for listening I will be thinking of you all and taking everything so valuably said straight to my heart.
November 28th, 2006 at 12:57 am
To all..
Thanks so much. I know this blog has to end sometime, as does the pain. I can’t get to it (the blog…..the pain is constant) during the day, so it’s the last thing I do before I go to bed. Hence the delay.
I wanted to share a peaceful moment that might help others in my turmoil of the last few days. I was staying with old family friends (the high school reunion…..my longest friend’s parents) who had lost their granddaughter to an OD (at age 25) this past week. My friend’s mom said to me that she hoped my situation would work out and that she was praying for me. I replied…..with peace…that it would, somehow. The pain is in living through it to that point, whatever that means.
Even though I am doing my best to live the moment, the knowledge that the future will hold something that works out keeps me going. If only I knew what that meant. May we all find some peace in knowing that it will work out. We need to focus on ourselves and our children, if we have them, and know that if we do that whatever is best will happen even if we can’t see it right now.
Easy words….or maybe not. It’s just hard. But we can do it. So many have before us. We can hope to do it the best we can and rid ourselves of the bitterness in the meantime. They have to live with what they’ve done. So do we. So let’s do it with faith that it will work out for US! Whatever that means. Have faith in the process.
Did I convince anyone out there? I am trying so hard to believe it myself. I know it’s true, just so hard to live by.
November 28th, 2006 at 3:05 am
Hey Chan
Dont give up on yourself, please I know its hard to keep our emotions in the proper perspective when we are being put through the meat grinder. Dont feel that just because they are not quarrelling and fighting now that its not in the future for them. That is how people work through their differences ,its normal, fight and make up and each time grow stronger. I am sure he loves you but he is so lost in his own obseesion that often they cannot see through it and in that has reflected the worst pain on you. You cant give up hope, I mean hope on yourself mostly, if he cant come around and face it then you have to stand up for yourself and be brave. It has been said already forgiveness is the key. It applies to everything in life and all too often is overlooked even by the best of us. If he had truly forgiven you as you said then he would have been able to deal with forgetting through that forgiveness. Its another excuse to put it on your shoulders instead of stepping up to the plate himself. Dont let that happen Chan. Just keep being honest and have faith in yourself and be true to your feelings they are yours and are important whether he sees them or not,they need to be acknowledge whether right or wrong because they are yours and you are entitled to them. We are all imperfect that is the way God made us it is not the mistakes that we make that are really important but how we deal with them , If you are angered or have a temper , right or wrong it is your feelings and until they are acknowledged and accepted it will feel like torture. You are only reacting to a wave of emotions that are all over the board and you have good reason for them to be. Dont be so hard on yourself, we all know what you are going through and we are all here for you. In the end it matters not who is right or who is wrong, it is not wrong to quarrel it is a part of life and hopefully from those quarrels we can accept one anothers differences and respect them for them. I hope for you that you can lift that pain from your chest somehow by taking what our hearts here have to offer you. We may not always be right in our advice or interpretations but nonetheless we are here for you to be heard and acknowledge whatever way you need us to be. And are here to help each other through for as long as we need. Dr Bob said its never over so if we can expect it maybe we can deal with it. Just know that no matter what gloom may come to your life through all of lifes misunderstandings that god loves us for that because that is how he made us.So in that learn to love yourself a little more everyday and you will find a way to make it.
November 28th, 2006 at 1:06 pm
I can’t believe that I am still in so much pain. A year ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with a beautiful, flamboyant, exciting woman who adored him. He said that I was a fat cow and he just wanted to be with a really hot chick. In the last year, I have lost 70 pounds (not in a healthy way, I lost the weight because I was so depressed that I could not eat or sleep). Now I have a great body, I look like a model and my husband of ten years has decided that he wants to date his girlfriend and me at the same time. In the meantime, I moved out of our house nine months ago with our two children and I bought a dog (that I had always wanted and he always forbid me to have). He has spent so much money on his girlfriend buying her jewelry and big screen tv’s and vacations to Chicago and Cancun that our personal finances are completely devastated. We will have to declare bankruptcy. I tried to file for divorce during the summer but I could not because of the mess with our personal finances. He calls me everyday. He wants to see me all of the time. He still wants to sleep with me. He tells me that he loves me, he just fell out of love with me for awhile but he is falling back in love with me. He tells me that he will break up with the girlfriend and make things right with me but just last night, his car and his girlfriend’s car were parked in a hotel parking lot. (I had slept with him the night before because he had promised me that it was going to be over with her and he and I would be a family again) I feel so used and lied to and manipulated. I read his e-mails yesterday. While he has been telling me that he wants to be with me and he loves me again, he has been e-mailing her that He loves only her. I have no support system whatsoever, no one that I can turn to. I am in so much pain at this point, I just want to die. And the crazy thing is that I have always loved this man. I still do. Why? I don’t know how to just walk away. I don’t know how to start a new life. I want to move to Denver and go to law school. I am taking the LSAT in December and I have told him that the girls and I are moving to Denver, but then he begs me to not go because he wants to be close to his daughters and he wants to be a good husband and he wants to be a good father and he begs me not to leave him.
November 28th, 2006 at 9:43 pm
Evan, Shennie
Thank you for your insights and advices.
Evan, just to give you a better picture, he said he ‘forgives’ me for those fights and quarrels that we had which led to his 1st affair (5 years ago). You know – the hurtful words, me throwing objects around in anger and hurt,… you get the picture. i was not working then, stayed at home with 2 young toddlers, and was saddled with housework, lack of understanding and attention, etc.
Todate, there has been NO further of such fighting episodes. Occasional petty quarrels or ‘yelling’ at the kids, things like that, yes. But who doesn’t right ? Like what Shennie says, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but about accepting each other, and forget the hurt and grow – if he can Love me the way I love him, that is.
Even Today, now, he still brings back the past, and about how he can’t forget, the bitterness, etc.
He said it was my ‘devilish anger’ (his words) which ruined his marriage life, and caused him to seek comfort and solace elsewhere.
Now you understand why I’m feeling dead guilty, dread? That somehow I was the cause of this whole mess and thus the divorce.
I told him about how I thought a marriage means to love, honour and cherish through good and bad times; and that my anger or temper is just anger management, and how like Shennie puts it, we should accept each other’s differences and grow, right ? I also told him it’s not like if you see the slightest imperfection in your spouse you run away and enter into affairs.
He says in that case, why don’t I just file the papers on him instead, citing adultery. that will save both money and time.
I think he’s insensitive to my or anyone’s feelings, except his own. He does not realise the effect of his words on me, the effect of his emotional abuse and neglect.
I thank all of you for your insights, your invaluable advices.
Thank goodness for this blog!
November 28th, 2006 at 9:59 pm
To Gillian
How awful for you,it does take a long time for the pain to go away and somehow it always surfaces but just take from it what you need to and grow from it. Go to law school, pursue yourself and your other dreams and soon enough everything will fall into place. If the other person is not completely out of the picture then do not look back especially if he continues to lie like this. I know you love him but if he cant come to terms with what he is doing you will only hurt yourself more in the end. I dont know if this other person knows that he is still sleeping with you and if she did she would likely dump him in a minute but you dont really want him that way anyway . I know that horrible feeling of wanting to die but your kids need you. Dont let his feelings run your life let your love for yourself do the work. If he is continuing to do this he does not deserve this love you have to give. And just so you know being overweight is no reason for someone that loves you to call you ridiculous names. You are a person of value regardless of your looks. The problem with looking good is that often it brings attention that has little value as you have experienced this with him since you are now in great shape. People should love us for who we are and not what we look like. All too often women are used because of their looks I suppose society provides the feeding ground for this and there is little we as women can do about it except learn from it. Use the experience to find yourself you may find things about yourself that you never even knew. Have you been to any counselling, maybe that will help, just be sure he is being honest in counselling or nothing will be accomplished.If he wont go get some for yourself. Please dont say you want to die, you are more worthy than you are giving yourself credit for. I was left in no mans land I wanted to die also and the only thing that stopped me was the love I had for my children in that I could never leave that burden on their shoulders, they would have blamed him for it and I didnt want that either for them or him. For them to go through life with no one that they could find self worth through. So you just stop thinking that way , it wont help you or them. Look deep inside yourself and find the strength to do whatever you need to to get through this either way .
I know how hard it is to always have your heart on your sleeve, even to this day its so easy to be hurt by the most simple things and react in a way that you wouldnt normally if your life wasnt under such pressure. I am through this and moving on but my life always seems under such pressure still from the responsibility of children, earning a living , and fighting through the ongoing battles we face daily as a result. It makes us so vulnerable because its never really over,we just have to find the best ways of dealing with things . They wont always be right but hopefully we will learn and grow through them. Let him prove by his actions he is deserving of what he is asking not by his words and only them you will see the truth. Make a plan for yourself and give yourself direction to follow and it will help guide you through. Take care of yourself Gillian I will be thinking of you.
November 28th, 2006 at 10:37 pm
Hey Chan
Im glad some of my words are helping you to sort through this. Dont blame yourself, Not only did my ex blame me also for the flaws in our relationship like yours is, but little did he know I blamed myself also, what could I have done different etc but I soon came to see that blame serves no purpose except to set the grounds to work through it by dealing with those things that appear to be the issues. It sounds to me as though he is being somewhat childish. All you can do sometimes is keep your own peace of mind in knowing that you are trying your best to work through it and that what we do will not always be right but that our intentions are good in that. If he chooses to take it the wrong way and turn it around on you then it becomes his problem not yours so dont carry the weight for it . Let him carry the weight for it and through his own ignorance of neglect for your acknowledgement of your feelings maybe he will learn a valuable lesson at some point in time. Be strong Chan you cant beat yourself up just because you need and deserve to be heard. If he is incapable of forgiving your flaws which we all have that he doesnt see that he also has then it isnt any wonder why he hasnt gotten through this.His ego perhaps will not allow him to hear you in the way you want him too. Maybe its the selfishness part of these things that have moved him to that. But you are trying to do the right thing and its all any of us can do Glad my words helped in whatever small way.
November 29th, 2006 at 1:58 pm
Hi Evan,
I have read a few of your replies to others and have found them so inspiring. I posted the other day (11/25/06) and did not know how to get responses to my issues however, reading your posts have helped. So much so that I believe that after these past few years of pure hell, I have finally decided to let go. I chose to tell him to give me the space I need to heal, that I forgive him & that he is truly a tormented soul that needs prayer and yes, I will pray for him – but for now, leave me alone. I proved my seriousness by refusing his advances he made today and left without feeling guilty.
Hopefully, he will continue to give me space – divorce is eminent, for now — I just want peace of mind.
Pray for my strength.
November 30th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
Thank you Shennie,
Yes, I know what you say is true. Many times I have sat in my bathtub contemplating slitting my wrists and I have not done it because I do love my daughters so much. I have been such a poor example for them, though about the strength and power that a woman has in her own life. I have forfeited all of my power and energy to a man who is a lier. I have sinned so deeply against my daughters by showing them weakness. I have taken this man back so many times based on his empty promises that he never had any intention of keeping. My daughters have seen me allow him back into my bed knowing that he will be spending the very next night in his girlfriend’s arms. I have been a horrible role model.I have also sinned against myself. I have not drawn the line in the sand that I should have. I have not demanded my own boundaries. I have not demanded respect. I have accepted mediocrity and I have accepted the blame that he puts on me for this whole mess. Yes, he thinks it is my fault and I have believed him. It is my fault that he was thrown naked into the arms of a beautiful woman because I was not pretty enough. I was not a good enough housekeeper. I was not a good enough cook. I did not earn enough money. What is really my fault is that I did not stand up for myself and call B/S.
November 30th, 2006 at 9:38 pm
Gillian
Stop blaming yourself and learn from what you have seen and feel. You can start now and make the changes you need to to become what you know is right. You said it yourself so I know you know what you should be so just do it. Its been so long for me too and I still have rebounded thoughts of the same and I just keep pushing through it , I dont even know how I do but just know I have to until I can figure it out.
I too have no strength left it all gets used in sorting all the feelings through and then you wondered why you bothered. Its up and down I know. You are not horrible role model you are human and your children know that and they will love you just the same and that will guide you to find some way. I will pray for you Gillian just write down some things and attack them only one by one. It will help I promise just try. Give yourself the break you need from the blame, it doesnt matter what matters is where you go from here so give yourself a new chance at happiness. Just believe and god will give you strength enough to take it one step at a time
December 2nd, 2006 at 6:05 pm
What do you do when the OP suddenly dies? She wouldn’t stop seeing him, then he died. She’s mourning him terribly. How do I handle this? Does anyone have any advice?
December 3rd, 2006 at 5:33 am
To Stephen,
Wow what a question. Sometimes I really think that I don’t want my marriage to come back together and only really want to know that my wife feels the same pain inside that she has put me through.
Other times I want to forgive her and everyone involved so I can let go of the terribly toxic feelings that go hand in hand with holding a grudge.
Truth be told I would probably be inwardly happy if her paramour suddenly died and maybe even a little disappointed that I didn’t have something to do with it.
We are possessive creatures after all and these spouses have promised themselves to us thus creating a sort of ownership for lack of a better word. Not ownership of them as a person but ownership of the dream that was us together forever.
If you want to save your marriage then the answer is simple. Make yourself available to her and empathize whenever possible. I don’t think that you would be a lessor person though if you found some inner satisfaction in the demise of your spouses paramour though. I really think I would.
Being a civilized and morale society prevents us from creating this circumstance with our own hands but taking some sort of satisfaction just in the irony I don’t think would be unhealthy.
In some societies in the world even today it is still legal and morally acceptable to have done him in yourself you know.
Not much of an answer, but man, I think that I just might wish I had your problems.
Evan
December 4th, 2006 at 3:12 pm
Thanks, Evan.
It’s only been slightly over two months since his death. He was married also and he had a heart attack and died while meeting my wife in another city, ostensibly, on a business trip for both of them. She administered CPR unsuccessfully, and essentially watched him die.
We’ve been separated since February. We’ve been talking since his death, but as you can imagine, the conversation is timid and cautious on both sides. I’ve asked her to have dinner with me, and she says she’d like to, but won’t commit to a date at this time.
I have been empathizing so much it’s ridiculous. I have avoided being angry, accusatory, judgemental and the like. I guess that’s kept her and I talking.
Has anyone else dealt with this scenario? I would love to hear anyone’s advice. I know she is in mourning and depression. She’s lost a lot of weight. She has cried over the situation during our recent conversations.
Given that she failed to resuscitate him, how does that exacerbate the depression and mourning? How long can I expect her to feel this way? How can I rekindle the love that we once shared? It’s only been two months. Is it too soon for me to try to take steps — baby steps — to reconcile? Or, even reiterate how I feel about her?
I would appreciate hearing from anyone who’s experienced this.
December 5th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
My story is like many others but with a different twist.
My wife is an addict. She had been addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs for over 7 years. She recently had an incident that got her agree to go to rehab which is something both her therapist and myself have been trying to convince her to do for some time.
After rehab, she starting talking to two people she met there regularly. I was under the guise that they were just friends who shared a life changing experience and they needed to support each other in their recovery. Well of course it was more than that. She started to visit one of them occasionally. I eventually discovered that they became physical.
I freaked. Here I am, the devastated husband of an addict where my life has sucked for so long due to her addiction, and she replaces the high with an emotional and a physical affair happening at the same time.
She is working her recovery and I’m working mine. It’s tough though knowing what happened. She is not ready to try to reconcile since her main focus is her sobriety (she is sober now for about 100 days).
She was looking haggard when she was using. Now that she is healthy, she is the beautiful woman that I fell in love with and married 19 years ago. Mentally and emotionally she is simply still not there. I understand that this is part of early recovery but in the meantime I feel that my life is on hold.
I go to Al-anon and see a therapist but each day is still a struggle.
The contact with the people was getting out of hand. At the urging of her therapist, we had her cell and our home phone numbers changed. The contact appeared to have stopped. Two days ago, we got a call from one of them on the home phone which by the way is unlisted. I freaking again, fearfull that my wife will not be able to not answer the phone.
I know life is not supposed to be easy but it’s hell right now.
December 5th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Dear Jim,
A year ago, I wish that someone had said to me what I am about to say to you. Get Out! Get out now. Let her figure out her struggle on her own. Don’t be dragged down into the spiraling whirlpool with her. Move out or more her out. Don’t take her phone calls. Give yourself a break from the insanity that is her addiction. (She is now replacing sexual addiction for the previous drug addiction) Go somewhere else and begin to work on you. Maybe many months or years from now the two of you can reconcile, but now is not the time. You are a co-dependant and enabler. You need to fix you. Leave her alone in her own struggles and find something that makes you happy. Good luck and when you are going through hell, remember to just keep going.
Gillian
December 6th, 2006 at 1:17 am
Just when you think you have everything figured out life takes you for another ride your not ready for. My husband had an affair with my best friend, who also was my maid of honor in our wedding. After we got married I stopped my friendship with her because, another friend of mine, who was also a bridesmaid in our wedding, told me that my maid of honor wanted my husband. I thought I don’t need this, that was 6 years ago. I meet up with my maid of honor the first of this year. She had gotten married and had a daughter and was the happiest she had ever been, yeah right! I asked her about what was said about her wanting my husband and she said it was all a lie. I trusted her, that was my first mistake!So our friendship coutinued and I trusted her with everything. About 3 or 4 months into our friendship I notice my husband pulling away from me and getting closer to her. I would questioned both of them about what I thought was going on, and she would tell me I was over reacting and that I was depressed and need on anti-depressent meds. While my husband would tell me how crazy I was for thinking he was screwing my best friend. Well come to find out the two of them meet up at the Holiday Inn in the same town she lives and I work in, how stupid was that. I found out and comforted him, and he tried to deny everything until I threw the receipt from the Holiday Inn at him. The first thing he wanted to do was call her and tell her I knew everything. Then he went on to tell me he has never been in love with me, that he loved me but was not in love with me. Whatever that means. So he calls her and she tells him that she will not leave her husband. Then all the sudden he wants to work things out. It has been about 7 months and we are still together, but he doesn’t want to talk about the affair and I have tons of questions. He says he hasn’t seen or talked to her since the day all hell broke lose. I want to believe him but I find it hard too. He gets alot of text messages and I never know who they are from. I’ve called and talk to her husband about this to watch the cell phone bills and text messages, but he just doesn’t get the chance to do this. I don’t understand that either. Things have been going good until here recently. I’ve read everybody advice and most of you say get out and leave him alone, but I can’t. I love him more than anything. To make things even harder is we have a son together and I can’t take his daddy away from him. I know if I ask him to leave, he will never come back and I can’t bear the thought of that. I feel like I have lost everything. I can’t talk to him about this stuff, and I lost what I thought was my best friend. I’m so alone right now and I don’t know my head from my asshole right now. He just gave our son the talk about how lying is so wrong and if you lie about the little stuff your’re going to lie about everything. I thought to myself, nothing like calling the kettle black. He lied to me for 4 or 5 months when he was having the affair. When does the pain go away and things get back to normal? When do I stop over thinking everything? I just want to be loved the way I love him. Is that possible? I’ve always been the type to be on guard, but now I find myself ever more guarded. I don’t like being that person. Like tonight he lied to me about a little thing and when I found the truth out I freaked out. If he is lying to me about this what else is he not telling me? He gets so defense when I question anything. He left to go coon hunting and when I called him a little bit ago I just asked where he was hunting and all he said was I’m just hunting that’s where I’m at, he wouldn’t tell me where. That scares me because thats the way he was when he was having the affair. He would never tell me where he was going. Thanks for letting me vent and if anybody has any advice I’m willing to listen, or I guess read. To Evan, I’ve read all your entries and I admire the way you have taken control of your life, and you sound like a great goodlooking guy, I hope you can find the love of your life again. You desire it! To Stephen, this really isn’t advice but I wish the op in my life would suddenly die. I know that sounds very harsh and I’m not that kind of person, but she has cause me so much anger and hate for her that at this point I don’t really care what happens to her. It takes a great person to even try to help your wife get over the op death. One other thing that is hard for me to understand is her and her husband drawn up their will and left their 3 year old daughter to me. I miss her so much. I loved her like my own daughter. I’m at an all time low in my life right now and the only time I have to get this on my chest is when my son is sleeping. I don’t want him to see how much pain I’m in and I don’t want to disappoint him. I just want things to be normal again, but I don’t even know what normal is anymore. I pray every night that if my husband is not being faithful to show me a sign so I can get on with my life. I just want some closure. I wish I had that magic crystal ball to see what the future holds, but if I had those kind of powers I wouldn’t be here. I’m so confused, any advice?
December 7th, 2006 at 9:03 pm
Wow you people are amazing!!
I see pain, hurt, faith, hope, Love and despair all rolled into 1.. The human spirit is an amazing thing, you all are truely amazing..
Just like you guys, I got hurt too!!
I hope I dont waffle and I apologise if I do..
My story, I met my wife 14 yrs ago, she was 19yrs old, involved with a abusive man, she had a child to him, he was only a baby, we met and became friends, we used to talk all the time and we just became true friends, looking back now I think I did! The friendship was pure and platonic..
I discovered that a couple of years before we met, she was living in the US and was raped, she never seeked help/therapy etc.. and now she was in an abusive relationship, he beat her n stuff!!
I asked her to leave him and she was attached because of the child, they got married and we lost touch.. I recieved a phone call a few years later and she called me an she had a 2nd child but had finaly left him, we resumed our friendship and we fell in love, we got married and that was about 10yrs ago..
I’m waffling I’m sorry, we have had a lot of problems, interfering families, pysch baggage, our eldest son was diagnosed witha form of “Mental Illness” I was bankrupt cause of the pressures of the illness and heaps of other things happened all the way… I took on the two kids as my own as the biological dad didnt want anything else to do with them..
I absolutely adorred this girl/woman but we had a lot of hardships, I used to call them invisible demons etc… But I never gave up, lost the house I owned, lost the great job(s) I held, lost my family cause they didnt want me to be with her, I sacrificed so much, I would’ve lost 10 fold more, just so we could be together..
My wife decided to go back to the US for a holiday, we live in Australia, where she met her childhood sweet heart, this was the guy she was dating prior to getting raped, she left the Us after the incident, never told him why etc etc..
While she was there soul searching where her life is at etc.. She decided to sleep with him, I was back home looking after the kids (my 2 sons) Upon her return, I knew something was wrong, just not sure what, I work in IT and was setting up her Laptop she got from the US to Aussie standards, I found a letter she had written to him, it explained everything that had happened, I confronted her, I was hurt, I wasnt mean or angry, I was just hurt, we went thru so much over the last years, we were ment to be unbreakable..
She said it was something she had to do, he was an untainted part of her life, and after she left the US she met her ex who abused her etc etc.. So he was the last person she feels she felt “whole” with.. she said it was a mistake and that we would work through our marriage and go back to basics, we were always the best of friends, and we wanted to start again, I was willing, anyway over the months, she kept recieving text messages via her Cell phone, and she would be on her email constantly, everytime I asked she would deny it, saying I’m sorting my self out etc..
I hacked her computer cause I just couldnt handle it and I found correspondence of a sexual nature, and the affair was still going, I was so upset I said I would leave, I just felt for the kids as they love and adore me..
I said I would hang around and help with the transition, so she wouldnt be left out in th lurch… but we have been spending a lot of time together as friends, and I am learning so much more about our history, she has a lot of demons she is carrying and she will commence therapy/councelling…
She has asked for time, but she is still in touch with him, she says the relationship is not like it was before…he is somebody she has admitted she has feelings for but she says she loves me and wants us to work but right now she needs to sort herself out, What do I do
E
December 12th, 2006 at 11:19 am
I am soooo sad. I have lost my friend of 15 yrs. How can this mean something to me and not to him. I devoted my life to being a good wife and mom. Now I question everything I do because I don’t want to be the proverbial doormat any longer. I still love him oh so much but he has hurt me and continues to hurt me by still seeing her. I spoke with her when I 1st found out about them 3mos. ago- she is vile. She told me they had unprotected sex and that she didn’t care about me or our children – just him.ok. Who says that to another female -who is truly hurt and was just blindsided by the affair. I cry everyday and I put on the happy face for everyone else to see. I have to be strong for our kids- he has pulled away from them and me and then reappears as if only to convince himself that we still care. I hate waking up in the morns. now. I hate the falseness. I hate feeling so bitter. I hate smiling when, I’m crying inside for someone to hold me and make it all better. I see friends all around me that haven’t given a dam about their children or their spouses only their own needs and their husbands adore them. I on the other hand catered to mine and look where I am now. I am the other woman now because he sneaks to be with her and he calls her but doesn’t call me. So you see she has him and I have lost. I know logically that he is not worth the time I am giving this but he has always been such a huge part of me. I loved spending time with him. I watch him as he walks through our home and I love him still. Some days I don’t think I can face another disappointment- it has changed who I am. I can’t hold my head up high or meet other peoples eye contact for fear that they will see my rau hurt. I have to go on for my boys but sometimes I think its all too hard. I feel like giving up…
December 14th, 2006 at 11:21 pm
Disillusioned-So sorry about the way things are turning out for you. Share your hurt with your friends. You shouldn’t face it alone. The more you do for someone, the more you love them. You love him so much b/c you constantly did things for him. He on the other hand expected it, took you for granted and was self-centered. Don’t let him treat you that way! You don’t deserve it. you deserve better. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect. Don’t settle for anything less and make sure that you treat yourself with love and respect also. There’s a book out there call “love must be tough”. It basically says that you can’t be a doormat and the spouse won’t respect you if you don’t set boundaries. Let him go, in fact, boot him out. He’ll soon realize what he has and if he doesn’t, then you don’t need him. Good luck!
August 29th, 2007 at 5:37 am
I am a married MAN of 37 having 7 yr old daughter. I came into contact with my wife’s sister, 2years back, when she shifted to our residence for studying her computer engineering. her IQ and overall intelligence level is fairly high, and since am an Academic, mine matches with her.
We used to keep distance in our relationship due to age difference and position difference also, almost for one year, we didnt come together. Once while discussing something truly technical, I solved her problems and she got very impressed on me, n gave me a Hug!!!
I was also quite attracted to her, honestly and that action of hers began our relationship.
We have both agreed to not CROSS the LINE but we often get engaged Physically, without having any intercourse. My wife seriously feels that her sister’s seduced me etc, where I have assured her that its nothing between us, we are just friends! Now am i a dilemma, whether this type of relationship,I mean Inhouse relationship shall be continued or not? Looking futurisric, my wife has expelled her sis from our home and now she lives in a Hostel.
We both miss each other like HELL, we need each other’s company, so some time we meet outside, discuss, chat etc to feel good. The Problem is we cant part each others company, but we cant get married also. please suggest, advice please!
July 7th, 2008 at 12:33 am
I have been married 17yrs and I honestly thought that things were going pretty good..About 4 years ago I found out that my husband was cheating. I confronted him after getting some really hard and painful evidence. To say the least he was stunned,,if I hadn’t have caught him I still wonder if I would have ever known..When I did he immediately called me crazy and was extremley defensive, I don’t really think that he thought that I could prove it..He immediately decided to move out that night, which I think he wanted all along. Never once admitting to it and he also didn’t want to discuss the proof. He acted like I was a paranoid,CRAZY wife accussing the devoted husband,father and provider, it cracked me up that he was still claiming his innocence and somehow he was gonna show me by leaving, but it did just the opposite, it confirmed everything!! He did return a week later professing his love and wanted to come home. I told him that I had to know the details because that was the worst week for me and my 2 boys ever and I needed answers!! He told me who she was and that she too was married w/a child. I told him I needed some time to think and that he should do the same..he never left me alone though..He came over for Valentine’s Day a couple of weeks later and brought me some really beautiful flowers and left..Well I felt kind of ok, that he brought them to me but he didn’t stay,,well later that day I wondered why he wasn’t as pushy as every other day, so I looked at his cell records and there it was HER #..As soon as he dropped off those flowers he called her, not sure if he saw her or not that night??
My next step was confronting him again, he said that he had called to her to tell her it was over. He eventually moved back in with us and things seemed to be going good but while we were at Walmart she called his cell,,he was loading groceries into the back while I started and cooled off the car..I answered it and she immediately hung up..needless to say we argued all the way home,,later that day he changed his cell number, probably to placate me but I thought it was time to confront her! I went to her work and in front of everyone I told her to leave my husband alone,,she ushered me outside and said that it wasn’t at all what I thought it was, how would she know what I thought it was? I simply said that if I found out she contacted him again I would let her husband know, yeah you guessed it she called him at work, which he actually told me..I proceeded to call her husband and tell him everything,,gave him my proof and he did some investigating of his own..He checked the nights he worked that they were both off together, phone calls to his cell, pager from his work, and he said that he actually had met my husband, and that he seemed to always be around this new group of friends she had..Come to find out(he told me)it turned her on to be with her husband at a restaurant/bar and have mine watch them(it prob. turned him on too, though he would never admit that). A couple of weeks later he called me and said that she confessed and he was divorcing her.. Sure enough as soon as her divorce was final she called him back at work and told him that her circumstances had changed and that if he wanted, she would be there.. I could have handled all of it but not knowing drove me insane. It was the imagining them together, and how much they spoke of me and her husband and if they ever laughed about it together.. I know that maybe that didn’t happen but its the not knowing that so bothered me!! This is the really UNBELIEVABLE part….I went to my gynocologist 2 years after the affair,,I had an abnornal papsmear,,they did some biopsys and blood tests,, and yes I am positive for displasia!! Which means that I contracted HPV from her..This was the most devestating thing for me and him to go thru.,I asked him if he had worn a condom and his reply was “we were safe, we are both married” I wonder if he really thought that he was the only one she cheated with,,so I not only had sex with my husband, but her, her husband and whoever they had cheated with..I just thought could he be this stupid?? Apparantly so!! Here I was having a talk with my teenage son about having safe sex and I should’ve been giving it his DADDY too!! The ending to this story is that we went through alot of therapy, and its been a long road but I think that we have built back alot of what was torn down..I don’t know if this would ever happen again but I can’t help but worry when I am out of town, or he is off with the guys, or if they still even communicate..But I have to have some faith in our love for each other..I know that he is very sorry, and he has told me that it had nothing to do with me, it was him wanting to see if he was still attractive to other women..If it was just that, after they had sex the first time that question should have been answered..I often wonder if he loved her,,I can’t imagine being intimate with someone for 2 yrs and not loving them.. So to all of you that are trying to make it work have faith in yourself and pull strength from your loved ones,,all you can do is follow your hearts(staying isn’t for all). Thats all I am doing, but if you have had enough god bless you and I wish the best for all of your broken hearts!! As for me it seems he has gotten past it, and I am wanting it to work out as well..I hate it that I have to doubt my marriage, and the only man I have ever loved..If its supposed to be it will but one false move and I am done that is the only sure thing I know!!!
Take Care!!