Comments on: Emotional Infidelity: Lover or Just Friends? http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/ to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:41:27 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: jennifer http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-13022 jennifer Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:33:29 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-13022 I was involded in an "emotional" affair that did turn physical. My now ex-husband and I were married for 4 years before I stared the affair. The other man was someone my husband was good friends with but I didn't really know all that well. My husband and I soon started hanging out with the other man quite often and I then in turn got to know the other man very well. We soon became friends...we would talk on the phone mostly..at least for the first few months...then it turned to us meeting each other behind my ex-husbands back..usually to talk. He was going through some tough times with his then wife. I guess to me at the time it seemed innocent..but looking back on it these type of affairs seem to happen so gradually that it's almost hard to read or see any signs of it as it progresses. Of course not all emotional affairs turn physical, but they can be just as damaging. To this day I'm not sure why I did what I did..maybe I was insecure..maybe I was bored. I don't really know. I was involded in an “emotional” affair that did turn physical. My now ex-husband and I were married for 4 years before I stared the affair. The other man was someone my husband was good friends with but I didn’t really know all that well. My husband and I soon started hanging out with the other man quite often and I then in turn got to know the other man very well. We soon became friends…we would talk on the phone mostly..at least for the first few months…then it turned to us meeting each other behind my ex-husbands back..usually to talk. He was going through some tough times with his then wife. I guess to me at the time it seemed innocent..but looking back on it these type of affairs seem to happen so gradually that it’s almost hard to read or see any signs of it as it progresses. Of course not all emotional affairs turn physical, but they can be just as damaging. To this day I’m not sure why I did what I did..maybe I was insecure..maybe I was bored. I don’t really know.

]]> By: nemia V. Yorac http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-12760 nemia V. Yorac Sun, 25 Nov 2007 13:55:57 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-12760 I also discovered that my husband has been lying to me everytime I ask him about names in his phonebook. Then I accidentally opened his cell phone and read amorous messages. I asked him from whom the messages came from but he lied again only to find out that the two numbers in his phonebook were from my co-teacher who was also his classmate in college. Then he started hiding his cellphones but I would take it out when he was already asleep. Although his cellphone would have empty received and sent messages, yet when he was drunk,he couldn't erase them. My world sunk when I found out that the calls were very lengthy and he would lie again. I confronted both of them and he promised never to do it again. The once brave "friend" behaved like a tame dog. It took several months before it got out of his system. I do not have a very intuitive feeling now but sometimes the hatred for both of them still lingers. It seems that when trust has been abused, it is difficult to trust again. Sometimes I feel that I don't love my husband anymore. I just need his company. I also discovered that my husband has been lying to me everytime I ask him about names in his phonebook. Then I accidentally opened his cell phone and read amorous messages. I asked him from whom the messages came from but he lied again only to find out that the two numbers in his phonebook were from my co-teacher who was also his classmate in college. Then he started hiding his cellphones but I would take it out when he was already asleep. Although his cellphone would have empty received and sent messages, yet when he was drunk,he couldn’t erase them. My world sunk when I found out that the calls were very lengthy and he would lie again. I confronted both of them and he promised never to do it again. The once brave “friend” behaved like a tame dog. It took several months before it got out of his system. I do not have a very intuitive feeling now but sometimes the hatred for both of them still lingers. It seems that when trust has been abused, it is difficult to trust again. Sometimes I feel that I don’t love my husband anymore. I just need his company.

]]> By: CVB http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-7545 CVB Tue, 17 Jul 2007 03:54:01 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-7545 Cathy Having just come thru a situation where my wife repeatedly underplayed, a lot, what had happened in her affair (see letter above - she repeatedly insisted they had only briefly held hands and hugged, only a diary uncovered the truth), I would assume he is lying. You just do not spend all that time in a car and just talk, the pay off is not that great. I would confront him and say this coming weekend he either tells you the whole truth and nothing but or he leaves. Preface it with your love, support, you will work it thru whatever happened, but also that radical honesty is absolutely essential to saving your marriage. Tell him he has one chance. If he confesses to any thing less than serious petting he is lying, in my opinion. CVB Cathy

Having just come thru a situation where my wife repeatedly underplayed, a lot, what had happened in her affair (see letter above - she repeatedly insisted they had only briefly held hands and hugged, only a diary uncovered the truth), I would assume he is lying. You just do not spend all that time in a car and just talk, the pay off is not that great. I would confront him and say this coming weekend he either tells you the whole truth and nothing but or he leaves. Preface it with your love, support, you will work it thru whatever happened, but also that radical honesty is absolutely essential to saving your marriage. Tell him he has one chance. If he confesses to any thing less than serious petting he is lying, in my opinion.

CVB

]]> By: CVB http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-7493 CVB Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:30:54 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-7493 I have a question which I would like to put at the top of a chain but perhaps that is not how this site works. The question. My wife went to the Carribean. Flirted at the bar Mon night with someone she'd never met before, emotionally very sexual but just a little touch. Tues they went for a long romantic walk on a moonlit beach, lots of hugging, kissing, French kissing, all initiated by her, including the walk itself. It was described in her diary as totally awesome, a WOW kind of night. Was invited to his room but she declined but was very pleased with the invite. Wed night went to his room about 2-4 AM but mostly just talk. Th in his room again after midnight and she laid on his bed and there was lots of petting including her genitals. She then came to her senses and left. My question is what do you call this? Is it an affair or not? CVB I have a question which I would like to put at the top of a chain but perhaps that is not how this site works. The question.

My wife went to the Carribean. Flirted at the bar Mon night with someone she’d never met before, emotionally very sexual but just a little touch. Tues they went for a long romantic walk on a moonlit beach, lots of hugging, kissing, French kissing, all initiated by her, including the walk itself. It was described in her diary as totally awesome, a WOW kind of night. Was invited to his room but she declined but was very pleased with the invite. Wed night went to his room about 2-4 AM but mostly just talk. Th in his room again after midnight and she laid on his bed and there was lots of petting including her genitals. She then came to her senses and left.

My question is what do you call this? Is it an affair or not?

CVB

]]> By: Emotional Infidelity-It’s Real! « CelticAnglican’s Ramblings & More http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-7080 Emotional Infidelity-It’s Real! « CelticAnglican’s Ramblings & More Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:55:49 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-7080 [...] A friend sent me this URL that I think is well worth a look, especially the comments. http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/ [...] [...] A friend sent me this URL that I think is well worth a look, especially the comments. http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/ [...]

]]> By: confused http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-1503 confused Fri, 23 Mar 2007 18:50:23 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-1503 I've read all of these and it has been enlightening. After having moved to a new city, leaving behind all friends, family and connections, all of my new contacts in the new city being through my husband, I became isolated and very intensely alone. I work at home at a job that is unsatisfying and yet all this time, about six years after we moved here, I thought I was doing ok. Talk about denial. I had one affair which was very brief and very humiliating for me. I was basically abused by the guy, which caused it to end and sent me into a deep depression last summer. After that, I began to get involved in a message board online, met someone who pursued me...this time I thought, no way am I ever going to do that again - so I was very upfront with the guy about being married and all of that, and yet somehow in the end we ended up having an emotional affair that lasted about six weeks. It ended because my spouse was annoyed by my being online a lot, so he went into my e mail account and discovered all. A lot of arguing and terrible things happened afterwards, and my online guy basically cut it off with me and my husband is now divorcing me. It has left me in a position of being in this city alone, no support or meaningful friendships, and has left me feeling utterly rejected and in terrible, terrible pain. I brought it on all myself and of course I am accountable for my actions. At the same time, I feel angry that my husband has never felt empathy towards me for being so alone and has never even worried so much about how I was doing during the day. I am also surprised at my own denial...it must be a very powerful thing. I had no idea how unhappy I was until now. So, to those who are either involved in an affair, you might want to take a look at what your life would be like if the other person suddenly left. What would be left is what...boredom, a void, emotional pain of some sort? Perhaps if you concentrate on fixing those things rather than self medicate by having an affair, you might not need to have an affair in the first place. I wish I had known that earlier. Now I am deeply alone and deeply unhappy and have lost both guys. All I ever really wanted was to feel that someone truly and honestly loved me for who I am...and most importantly, to be able to give that love back. Peace and good luck to all. -confused. I’ve read all of these and it has been enlightening. After having moved to a new city, leaving behind all friends, family and connections, all of my new contacts in the new city being through my husband, I became isolated and very intensely alone. I work at home at a job that is unsatisfying and yet all this time, about six years after we moved here, I thought I was doing ok. Talk about denial. I had one affair which was very brief and very humiliating for me. I was basically abused by the guy, which caused it to end and sent me into a deep depression last summer. After that, I began to get involved in a message board online, met someone who pursued me…this time I thought, no way am I ever going to do that again - so I was very upfront with the guy about being married and all of that, and yet somehow in the end we ended up having an emotional affair that lasted about six weeks. It ended because my spouse was annoyed by my being online a lot, so he went into my e mail account and discovered all. A lot of arguing and terrible things happened afterwards, and my online guy basically cut it off with me and my husband is now divorcing me.

It has left me in a position of being in this city alone, no support or meaningful friendships, and has left me feeling utterly rejected and in terrible, terrible pain. I brought it on all myself and of course I am accountable for my actions. At the same time, I feel angry that my husband has never felt empathy towards me for being so alone and has never even worried so much about how I was doing during the day. I am also surprised at my own denial…it must be a very powerful thing. I had no idea how unhappy I was until now.

So, to those who are either involved in an affair, you might want to take a look at what your life would be like if the other person suddenly left. What would be left is what…boredom, a void, emotional pain of some sort? Perhaps if you concentrate on fixing those things rather than self medicate by having an affair, you might not need to have an affair in the first place.

I wish I had known that earlier. Now I am deeply alone and deeply unhappy and have lost both guys. All I ever really wanted was to feel that someone truly and honestly loved me for who I am…and most importantly, to be able to give that love back.

Peace and good luck to all.

-confused.

]]> By: cathy http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-1205 cathy Sat, 10 Mar 2007 21:53:26 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-1205 Deb: Was glad to read your post,as my husband of 29 years, says he was seeing someone, but no sex was involved, she was 20 years younger and he knew her through business. He met her at chamber meetings and town meetings and she began calling his cell phone and he is very easy to talk too and has a well loved personality and everyone is drawn to him. Anyway she began calling him everyday to talk about her work and fill him in on town business and stuff he loved to hear about, then she began to compliment him on how he dressed and how handsome he was and fun to be around, then the phone calls become more each day. She then began to set up meetings where just him and her were and finally one day she kissed him and told him she had wanted to do that for so long. He decided not to tell me about it, and she kept up with the phone calls but this time asked him if he would like to meet her somewhere alone. So they found a spot in the woods and she said in his car and they talked he says for about 1 or more twice a week. He says she tried to make it go further and asked him for sex but he refused, this went on for 7 months, then he finally came and told me about it. Because her husband found an email she had written him. What do you think about all this. Thanks Deb: Was glad to read your post,as my husband of 29 years, says he was seeing someone, but no sex was involved, she was 20 years younger and he knew her through business. He met her at chamber meetings and town meetings and she began calling his cell phone and he is very easy to talk too and has a well loved personality and everyone is drawn to him. Anyway she began calling him everyday to talk about her work and fill him in on town business and stuff he loved to hear about, then she began to compliment him on how he dressed and how handsome he was and fun to be around, then the phone calls become more each day. She then began to set up meetings where just him and her were and finally one day she kissed him and told him she had wanted to do that for so long. He decided not to tell me about it, and she kept up with the phone calls but this time asked him if he would like to meet her somewhere alone. So they found a spot in the woods and she said in his car and they talked he says for about 1 or more twice a week. He says she tried to make it go further and asked him for sex but he refused, this went on for 7 months, then he finally came and told me about it. Because her husband found an email she had written him. What do you think about all this. Thanks

]]> By: tarisio http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-1177 tarisio Mon, 05 Mar 2007 23:53:43 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-1177 It has been very interesting reading all the cautionary tales of the damage an "emotional affair" can do to a marriage. I'm a man who has yearned for an emotional affair or a physical one and yet I have always resisted my desires for either. My wife is totally uninterested in me (or any other man) sexually and our marriage has so many taboo areas that can't be discussed emotional intimacy is tepid at best. I have been celibate for over five years and have not been kissed by her in a sexual way for more than 15 years. I dream of kissing. I do not have close male friends (I have many friendships withboth men and women but none are close. Only two women are even aware of the state of my marriage and both are long-term friends who are too honest and strong to engage in even an emotional affair - which is probably why I can at least confide in them once or twice a year. I still love my wife. I don't think she loves me but she still likes me most of the time. We have children I love and would never want to hurt. I have no solutions. It has been very interesting reading all the cautionary tales of the damage an “emotional affair” can do to a marriage. I’m a man who has yearned for an emotional affair or a physical one and yet I have always resisted my desires for either. My wife is totally uninterested in me (or any other man) sexually and our marriage has so many taboo areas that can’t be discussed emotional intimacy is tepid at best. I have been celibate for over five years and have not been kissed by her in a sexual way for more than 15 years. I dream of kissing. I do not have close male friends (I have many friendships withboth men and women but none are close. Only two women are even aware of the state of my marriage and both are long-term friends who are too honest and strong to engage in even an emotional affair - which is probably why I can at least confide in them once or twice a year. I still love my wife. I don’t think she loves me but she still likes me most of the time. We have children I love and would never want to hurt. I have no solutions.

]]> By: JuneD http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-557 JuneD Mon, 01 Jan 2007 16:50:51 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-557 Deb, so glas things are going well for you and so glad you realized what you had b/f it was too late. Best of luck to you! Karen, so sorry for what you're going through. A lot of guys are nice to their wives when they're having an affair b/c they are acting and it is only temporary. He can be nice for a few hours b/c later he'll be with her. It's not real and it's not sincere. It's pathetic and it's dishonest. Trust your gut. If he really loved you, he would be trying and I bet if you checked, you'd find he's still involved. He says he wants to be your friend b/c he's trying to let you down easy and trying to get out of the marriage. I think you're in for one heck of a roller coaster ride. My husband was like that summer of 2005. Denied involvement w/anyone else though I had my suspicions. Wanted to be friends, etc. but go on his own way. It was tough. But I rode it out. Unfortunately I'm not sure if the ride is over. Time will tell. Be strong for yourself and take care of you. Don't turn into a doormat. You deserve better and if he's not going to treat you right and be faithful then he doesn't deserve you. Best of luck! Deb, so glas things are going well for you and so glad you realized what you had b/f it was too late. Best of luck to you!

Karen, so sorry for what you’re going through. A lot of guys are nice to their wives when they’re having an affair b/c they are acting and it is only temporary. He can be nice for a few hours b/c later he’ll be with her. It’s not real and it’s not sincere. It’s pathetic and it’s dishonest. Trust your gut. If he really loved you, he would be trying and I bet if you checked, you’d find he’s still involved. He says he wants to be your friend b/c he’s trying to let you down easy and trying to get out of the marriage. I think you’re in for one heck of a roller coaster ride. My husband was like that summer of 2005. Denied involvement w/anyone else though I had my suspicions. Wanted to be friends, etc. but go on his own way. It was tough. But I rode it out. Unfortunately I’m not sure if the ride is over. Time will tell. Be strong for yourself and take care of you. Don’t turn into a doormat. You deserve better and if he’s not going to treat you right and be faithful then he doesn’t deserve you. Best of luck!

]]> By: Deb http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-523 Deb Wed, 27 Dec 2006 16:58:16 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/#comment-523 Well we had the best Christmas ever, because I appreciate my husband in ways I never truly did before, even after all our years of marriage. I guess he became like wallpaper, there but barely noticed or appreciated. But now I feel completely different. I am getting to know him all over again (and he is me also) and our communication has never ever been better. I have spent a good deal of time looking at our family albums and home videos, remembering all our wonderful times, and looking forward to many more. Why on earth did I ever think for a split second that I could ever find better than what I already have? Why did I let another man get close to me emotionally when I had a great listener, my best friend, right here? I have so many questions about my selfishness and stupidity, and my therapist is trying to help me figure these things out, and rebuild our foundation and trust. My husband and I have already survived through so much - we even made it through the loss of a child, a stillborn, and went on to have another - we can and will make it through this. I am learning to truly appreciate him again, and how to show him my love. I'm learning that showing him my love more, is bringing out the good in him, and inspires him to show me more love and attention, which is what I want :) Happy New Year everyone! Just a couple months ago my marriage seemed doomed and now we are making happy new year plans and vacation plans for next year! Praise God for my forgiving, understanding, loving hubby, who I will never hurt again. Love, Deb Well we had the best Christmas ever, because I appreciate my husband in ways I never truly did before, even after all our years of marriage. I guess he became like wallpaper, there but barely noticed or appreciated. But now I feel completely different. I am getting to know him all over again (and he is me also) and our communication has never ever been better. I have spent a good deal of time looking at our family albums and home videos, remembering all our wonderful times, and looking forward to many more. Why on earth did I ever think for a split second that I could ever find better than what I already have? Why did I let another man get close to me emotionally when I had a great listener, my best friend, right here? I have so many questions about my selfishness and stupidity, and my therapist is trying to help me figure these things out, and rebuild our foundation and trust. My husband and I have already survived through so much - we even made it through the loss of a child, a stillborn, and went on to have another - we can and will make it through this. I am learning to truly appreciate him again, and how to show him my love. I’m learning that showing him my love more, is bringing out the good in him, and inspires him to show me more love and attention, which is what I want :) Happy New Year everyone! Just a couple months ago my marriage seemed doomed and now we are making happy new year plans and vacation plans for next year! Praise God for my forgiving, understanding, loving hubby, who I will never hurt again. Love, Deb

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