Comments on: Emotional Infidelity: Lover or Just Friends?

By: SM

SM — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 01:18:47 +0000

my marrage just ended after 18 years. the damage to our kids is tremendious. my ex had an emotional affair that she still will not admit to with a public figure. funny how it all makes sense when it ends..

By: Puyallup

Puyallup — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 05:32:29 +0000

My fiance/boyfriend had multiple emotional affairs with the women he worked with – all married teachers in the Puyallup and Tacoma, WA area! One became physical with a married teacher 3 days after one of our many breakups. They were “friends” for months, i never knew about her, but she knew about me. They confided with one another and slowly he pulled away. He denies to this day it was cheating. Then he had another emotional affair with a woman he dated and then she did marry someone else. They flirted and I caught them flirting sexually one day. I nearly threwup. As a single male teacher in a dominant female environment, he had his pick. He likes the chase, the feeling of flirting and then turns to them for that high instead of his partner (me). And then he says the relationship isn’t working or we are not compatible. Duh! He would sneak off and see other women and have drinks with them after work and never tell me or invite me. One, with whom he spent a weekend with at a Jazz Festival in Ellensburg, he used to date for 9 months and they remained “friends”. He would lie to me where he was and say that I was jealous when i would ask or get upset that he never told me beforehand or invited. “Friends” were kept in a silo and I never met one until 2 years into our relationship. That is because they were all ex-girlfriends. He has no authentic relationships with a female or male. I also caught him talking and seeing another married teacher friend whose husband was in Iraq. He never told her he was engaged. He never told her he had a girlfriend and when he talked about what he did that weekend with his son, me and my son was omitted from the conversation. Pretty sad. Then he lied to me about going out one day. He met her for lunch, got drunk, spent 4 hours with her and NEVER mentioned me! And he says he never cheated on me. He always keeps ex’s on the side when he has no one else to turn to.

Obviously he is very insecure, emotionally unavailable, a destructive man. He also suffers from chronic discontent/major depression, he’s a winner!

By: jennifer

jennifer — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:33:29 +0000

I was involded in an “emotional” affair that did turn physical. My now ex-husband and I were married for 4 years before I stared the affair. The other man was someone my husband was good friends with but I didn’t really know all that well. My husband and I soon started hanging out with the other man quite often and I then in turn got to know the other man very well. We soon became friends…we would talk on the phone mostly..at least for the first few months…then it turned to us meeting each other behind my ex-husbands back..usually to talk. He was going through some tough times with his then wife. I guess to me at the time it seemed innocent..but looking back on it these type of affairs seem to happen so gradually that it’s almost hard to read or see any signs of it as it progresses. Of course not all emotional affairs turn physical, but they can be just as damaging. To this day I’m not sure why I did what I did..maybe I was insecure..maybe I was bored. I don’t really know.

By: nemia V. Yorac

nemia V. Yorac — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 13:55:57 +0000

I also discovered that my husband has been lying to me everytime I ask him about names in his phonebook. Then I accidentally opened his cell phone and read amorous messages. I asked him from whom the messages came from but he lied again only to find out that the two numbers in his phonebook were from my co-teacher who was also his classmate in college. Then he started hiding his cellphones but I would take it out when he was already asleep. Although his cellphone would have empty received and sent messages, yet when he was drunk,he couldn’t erase them. My world sunk when I found out that the calls were very lengthy and he would lie again. I confronted both of them and he promised never to do it again. The once brave “friend” behaved like a tame dog. It took several months before it got out of his system. I do not have a very intuitive feeling now but sometimes the hatred for both of them still lingers. It seems that when trust has been abused, it is difficult to trust again. Sometimes I feel that I don’t love my husband anymore. I just need his company.

By: CVB

CVB — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 03:54:01 +0000

Cathy

Having just come thru a situation where my wife repeatedly underplayed, a lot, what had happened in her affair (see letter above – she repeatedly insisted they had only briefly held hands and hugged, only a diary uncovered the truth), I would assume he is lying. You just do not spend all that time in a car and just talk, the pay off is not that great. I would confront him and say this coming weekend he either tells you the whole truth and nothing but or he leaves. Preface it with your love, support, you will work it thru whatever happened, but also that radical honesty is absolutely essential to saving your marriage. Tell him he has one chance. If he confesses to any thing less than serious petting he is lying, in my opinion.

CVB

By: CVB

CVB — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:30:54 +0000

I have a question which I would like to put at the top of a chain but perhaps that is not how this site works. The question.

My wife went to the Carribean. Flirted at the bar Mon night with someone she’d never met before, emotionally very sexual but just a little touch. Tues they went for a long romantic walk on a moonlit beach, lots of hugging, kissing, French kissing, all initiated by her, including the walk itself. It was described in her diary as totally awesome, a WOW kind of night. Was invited to his room but she declined but was very pleased with the invite. Wed night went to his room about 2-4 AM but mostly just talk. Th in his room again after midnight and she laid on his bed and there was lots of petting including her genitals. She then came to her senses and left.

My question is what do you call this? Is it an affair or not?

CVB

By: Emotional Infidelity-It’s Real! « CelticAnglican’s Ramblings & More

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:55:49 +0000

[...] A friend sent me this URL that I think is well worth a look, especially the comments. http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/11/05/emotional-infidelity-lover-or-just-friends/ [...]

By: confused

confused — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 18:50:23 +0000

I’ve read all of these and it has been enlightening. After having moved to a new city, leaving behind all friends, family and connections, all of my new contacts in the new city being through my husband, I became isolated and very intensely alone. I work at home at a job that is unsatisfying and yet all this time, about six years after we moved here, I thought I was doing ok. Talk about denial. I had one affair which was very brief and very humiliating for me. I was basically abused by the guy, which caused it to end and sent me into a deep depression last summer. After that, I began to get involved in a message board online, met someone who pursued me…this time I thought, no way am I ever going to do that again – so I was very upfront with the guy about being married and all of that, and yet somehow in the end we ended up having an emotional affair that lasted about six weeks. It ended because my spouse was annoyed by my being online a lot, so he went into my e mail account and discovered all. A lot of arguing and terrible things happened afterwards, and my online guy basically cut it off with me and my husband is now divorcing me.

It has left me in a position of being in this city alone, no support or meaningful friendships, and has left me feeling utterly rejected and in terrible, terrible pain. I brought it on all myself and of course I am accountable for my actions. At the same time, I feel angry that my husband has never felt empathy towards me for being so alone and has never even worried so much about how I was doing during the day. I am also surprised at my own denial…it must be a very powerful thing. I had no idea how unhappy I was until now.

So, to those who are either involved in an affair, you might want to take a look at what your life would be like if the other person suddenly left. What would be left is what…boredom, a void, emotional pain of some sort? Perhaps if you concentrate on fixing those things rather than self medicate by having an affair, you might not need to have an affair in the first place.

I wish I had known that earlier. Now I am deeply alone and deeply unhappy and have lost both guys. All I ever really wanted was to feel that someone truly and honestly loved me for who I am…and most importantly, to be able to give that love back.

Peace and good luck to all.

-confused.

By: cathy

cathy — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 21:53:26 +0000

Deb: Was glad to read your post,as my husband of 29 years, says he was seeing someone, but no sex was involved, she was 20 years younger and he knew her through business. He met her at chamber meetings and town meetings and she began calling his cell phone and he is very easy to talk too and has a well loved personality and everyone is drawn to him. Anyway she began calling him everyday to talk about her work and fill him in on town business and stuff he loved to hear about, then she began to compliment him on how he dressed and how handsome he was and fun to be around, then the phone calls become more each day. She then began to set up meetings where just him and her were and finally one day she kissed him and told him she had wanted to do that for so long. He decided not to tell me about it, and she kept up with the phone calls but this time asked him if he would like to meet her somewhere alone. So they found a spot in the woods and she said in his car and they talked he says for about 1 or more twice a week. He says she tried to make it go further and asked him for sex but he refused, this went on for 7 months, then he finally came and told me about it. Because her husband found an email she had written him. What do you think about all this. Thanks

By: tarisio

tarisio — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 23:53:43 +0000

It has been very interesting reading all the cautionary tales of the damage an “emotional affair” can do to a marriage. I’m a man who has yearned for an emotional affair or a physical one and yet I have always resisted my desires for either. My wife is totally uninterested in me (or any other man) sexually and our marriage has so many taboo areas that can’t be discussed emotional intimacy is tepid at best. I have been celibate for over five years and have not been kissed by her in a sexual way for more than 15 years. I dream of kissing. I do not have close male friends (I have many friendships withboth men and women but none are close. Only two women are even aware of the state of my marriage and both are long-term friends who are too honest and strong to engage in even an emotional affair – which is probably why I can at least confide in them once or twice a year. I still love my wife. I don’t think she loves me but she still likes me most of the time. We have children I love and would never want to hurt. I have no solutions.