It started slowly when the sparkle in her eyes slowly faded and we no longer kissed with passion. Somehow looking forward to her calling gave way to dread of routine and “honey do” lists. I started to feel like I had been tricked - why did it seem she was not trying anymore? What happened to passionate kisses and looking into my eyes it has been so long without either. I tried flowers, poems, etc.. but some things you cannot force. If she does not feel it then

Then she came along. She knew I was married but I could see the sparkle in her eyes and it drem me in.. and I believed > that this was true love - that it was something special. As with anything built on a foundation of sand it was destined to fail. But I wanted the dream of what things could be I was willing to give up my life for it. I knew that in my heart it would likely lead to despair, but I longed that desperately for the feeling. Very similar characteristics to an addict, I know. To kiss each other and look into each others eyes and see yourself, to say with your eyes and touch that you understand each other…

Ladies.. for my part please know that it is not about looks or sex that drives us away. We want to be validated, feel desired, and sought-after like you do. We want a woman who is confident in herself and her body no matter how she looks. We notice the little things that reflect to us that you aren’t interested in our lives, don’t hold us a few seconds longer, stop your routine when we come home.

I make no excuses for what I have done. I decided to cut it off and work it out with my wife, but if I am totally honest it was because it seemed she did not truly love me anyway. I wonder what would have happened if she had “loved me” how much would I have given up? Unfortunatley the pull was strong enough that if I am honest - everything.

The affarir was for a few months and my wife still does not know. Should I tell her? Wouldn’t that cause more pain than its worth since I am no longer with her? This experience has truly changed my life and the pain I feel now truly has taught me the grass is not greener on the other side. I realize that I have not been investing in my wife and our relationship and that neglect and routine have taken their course. I want to believe we can find passion again, but right now I can’t see it in the horizon. I am worried that if I keep trying to hold on without us connecting @ the deep level I desire that this will happen again and the OP keeps running through my mind and the thought of the uphill path is tiring.

I know it is selfish, but I want more… I am trying to believe I can find it with my wife, but how long do I wait? Is the deep connection I seek within reach? Right now I am seraching myself to find out - but all this scares me to death. My son is my pride and joy… shouldn’t I stay if only for him? And if only for him is that fair? How can I rekindle the fire? I’m tired of sex seeming like a favor when I want it to be an expression of our hearts? How do I open the door to her heart?

Pray for me.

. I gave it up but partially because

To all those who have a third party involved in their lives who won’t leave their spouse alone … wake up! It takes two folks. I have been there and done that and came back to it again several times myself with my wife. I have heard the same old story and have sat with my wife while she called him on the phone to end the relationship. Only to discover the first chance she got they were talking about how “she had to do it” or that it was a pre-conceived plan they had already talked about happening before the call. Fact is if they want to end it they will and there will be no repeat communications between them and the other person. If there is you have more to be concerned with than you think and you are just not seeing what is slapping you in the face and screaming to be acknowledged. I wish you all the best, its tough and its cruel and until your spouse either grows up and stops for her own self respect or leaves, the pain and turmoil will only get worse and more constant.

Peace out, Ron

I don’t consider myself to be an expert on relationships, and am not totally sure what prompted this thought, but please allow me to say…if I’m not able to reply to this site again for whatever reason, PLEASE HEAR THIS!!! This is just a personal opinion….which I hesitate to give so as not to be offensive… but think most women would probably agree….. stay with me here for a second….Women ARE different than men APPRECIATE viva la difference MORE WORDS YES

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The way a women is treated, cared for, and respected, is far more important, and does more for her than anything a mans anatomy could ever do. Just an insight that if taken to heart would save more relationships and marriages than any of us could ever imagine.

ANYWAY… I wanted to comment and agree with the last statement DR. H made. After seeing and hearing of so many who have been touched by infidelity… and experiencing some heartbreak myself, I too believe that sex of any kind can never be as good in an extramarital affair as it can be in a committed relationship based on respect, truth and integrity. There’s something solid about those charactaristics which eliminate guilt, shame, and lack of trust. Respect builds relationships, truth brings trust, and integrity holds everything together. The insights here are life changing and I’m once again thankful this site is available. My hope is that if I have ever made an error in hurting someonelse, it can be understood, cleared up, and healed, or restored. My heart breaks after reading these replys and I wish I could mend every single one of them. Thank you for giving those of us in pain the opportunity to vent and recieve support from other people who are going through the same type of situations.

Lee

Surprisingly enough, he finally had agreed to work on our relationship (though he made no progress in a months time), and I scheduled our first couples counseling session.. and only a few days after scheduling the appt, I found out about the affair (which had been going on for over two months). Shock set in when I found out who she was, and that she is in our close circle of family and friends. This intimate relationship has dramatically altered our normal routine because of who it is. To make matters worse, I was expecting someone younger and more attractive (I guess the mid-life crisis type of hollywood “other person”). But, in fact, she is over 300 pounds and not very attractive at all from my point of view, and she is a very self-centered person (as I have observed over many years). This was devistating to me in two different ways, number 1, he might have an affair with just about anyone; number 2, nothing I could have done would have stopped it. He was on his own agenda, he picked who showed interest and was easily accessible, and he didn’t think about anyone but himself. And he didn’t have enough respect for me to get divorced first.

Our counselor has told him that he is trapped at age 15… and everything is about him. She said he has forced me to play the role of his mother, and that his inablilty to think about anyone but himself has crippled his family. She asked me if I was willing to stay and try… all I could tell her was the truth, that everthing is so fresh, especially the hurt, that I can’t make that decision at this time. I keep telling myself that I deserve better. My kids deserve a father that can remember their birthdays after I have reminded him many times before hand. In fact, he has forgotten every birthday and anniversary but one, since we’ve been married. His mother started calling him a couple of days before hand, up until the day of, to remind him of special events… and even then, he has done nothing for anyone but himself. Which, have to accept a lot of the blame, because I let him get away with treating us this way.
I don’t know where the road leads from here. The day before I found out about the affair, my husband told me that he loved me, was in love with me, and wanted to make the needed changes to become the husband and father and person he should be. I have waited so long to hear all of that from him… but, it just seems like it is a little too late. He had so many chances to divorce me and move on with his life at my urgings… instead, he just clung to me while killing me. I’m told that this whole affair isn’t about me, that it’s about him… but, it sure feels like it is about our whole life (including me).
At this point I am doing the only things I can… I get up everyday… I clean house and work from dawn to dusk… I eat right, work-out, and play with my kids. I am readying my house to sell if it comes down to it. I am empowering myself to be able to stand free of my husband. I am taking the time to make a sound decision that is not bourn out of anguish and despair. I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life one piece at a time, and rebuilding an independent one… so that if I leave or if I stay, both paths are open to me and within view. I have finally come to realize that the only person that can change my husband is himself.