Comments on: A Cheating Spouse: History Repeats Itself http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/ to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:01:58 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: DEE http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-18788 DEE Sun, 13 Apr 2008 01:40:13 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-18788 I have been married for 38 years and my spouse is now on his 7th affair with by backdoor nieghbor who is 15 years younger, no children, and on her 2nd divorce. There must be something wrong with me to have stayed all these years. She is a personal trainer and is going to make him young again and whip him into shape. Plenty of pushups in bed!! My grown children and families on both sides wont speak to him. Its a mess. She has total control over him and he doesnt see it. They have flaunted this affair at me for about 1 1/2 years now. I feel totally shot. I have been doing several things for myself now--walking every day trying to get myself back in shape and have found a wonderful church to attend. Even though there are many days I dont feel like it I know God is there protecting me. Its terribly lonely and I do a lot of crying. I dont want to be alone the rest of my life and at 58 yrs old it is really scary. I cant wait for the nightmare to end regardless of the outcome. I have been married for 38 years and my spouse is now on his 7th affair with by backdoor nieghbor who is 15 years younger, no children, and on her 2nd divorce. There must be something wrong with me to have stayed all these years. She is a personal trainer and is going to make him young again and whip him into shape. Plenty of pushups in bed!! My grown children and families on both sides wont speak to him. Its a mess. She has total control over him and he doesnt see it. They have flaunted this affair at me for about 1 1/2 years now. I feel totally shot. I have been doing several things for myself now–walking every day trying to get myself back in shape and have found a wonderful church to attend. Even though there are many days I dont feel like it I know God is there protecting me. Its terribly lonely and I do a lot of crying. I dont want to be alone the rest of my life and at 58 yrs old it is really scary. I cant wait for the nightmare to end regardless of the outcome.

]]> By: George http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-18530 George Sat, 05 Apr 2008 11:59:31 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-18530 I have been married 17 years and have 2 wonderfull children. I just lost my job and got a call that my father was diagnosed with cancer. To make things even more easier on me I have just been blindsided with my wife having an affair with a co-worker. I found a love card in her purse, I cheked her voice mail and found him saying things and i love you. I hired a PI to verify it but I already know it. I love my wife and would very much like to try to wrok things out, but she seems not to have anything to do with it. I haven't confronted her yet, because i need all the info i can get to get things in order. When i try to pry for answers she denies that anything is going on and that if it was she would just leave. She tells me she loves me and cries, and then turns around and says that she can forget the last 17 years of hardship. She says she wants to work it out one thing at a time and then turns about face. I am just getting tired of the lies the going in early to work and coming home late. And saying I am somewhere and not being there, while i am sitting at home being with my kids and she is going to bars paying for this other guy and acting like a total teenager not a responsible wife and adult. I am truly getting tired of being blamed for her unhappiness and her attitude that she has changed. I want it to work but truthfully I believe it won't. In 17 years I haven't looked at anyone or even thought of looking at anyone else. I always thought i am not only hurting her but i am hurting my kids. I truly believe i have been asleep for 17 years and i wake up to find this mess. I have been married 17 years and have 2 wonderfull children. I just lost my job and got a call that my father was diagnosed with cancer. To make things even more easier on me I have just been blindsided with my wife having an affair with a co-worker. I found a love card in her purse, I cheked her voice mail and found him saying things and i love you. I hired a PI to verify it but I already know it. I love my wife and would very much like to try to wrok things out, but she seems not to have anything to do with it. I haven’t confronted her yet, because i need all the info i can get to get things in order. When i try to pry for answers she denies that anything is going on and that if it was she would just leave. She tells me she loves me and cries, and then turns around and says that she can forget the last 17 years of hardship. She says she wants to work it out one thing at a time and then turns about face. I am just getting tired of the lies the going in early to work and coming home late. And saying I am somewhere and not being there, while i am sitting at home being with my kids and she is going to bars paying for this other guy and acting like a total teenager not a responsible wife and adult. I am truly getting tired of being blamed for her unhappiness and her attitude that she has changed. I want it to work but truthfully I believe it won’t. In 17 years I haven’t looked at anyone or even thought of looking at anyone else. I always thought i am not only hurting her but i am hurting my kids. I truly believe i have been asleep for 17 years and i wake up to find this mess.

]]> By: Neen http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-7905 Neen Wed, 01 Aug 2007 13:53:15 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-7905 I have been reading these blogs and my heart aches. I have been married for 26 years, and found out that my husband has cheated on me. It was not an affair for months or anything like that. I found out after the unfaithful act, that he had been communicating with her for the entire 26 years at least 1 or 2 times a month. I was happy in my relationship and would often stick my chest out because I knew deep in my heart that he would do some things, but never be unfaithful. I was devastated, my very breath stopped. Marriage for me was sacred and placed right next to my relationship with God. I have been through a lot, I was the only caretaker for a brother who died in March of 2004 and 5 months later my other brother died. Both had to be cared for along with my 87 year old father and 82 year old mother. Then in July of 2006, my baby brother, my soulmate sibling was dying, I cared for him until his death in December of 2006. My family has never needed me before in the 26 years that I was married, and we have taken care of his family for all of the 26 years we have been together. The one time that my family needed me, We went into this together. He was in agreement. Our wedding anniversary was Mar 19 I wanted him to get a room for us, because we have 5 special needs children that we have adopted and this would give us privacy. He found an excuse, on Mar 27, he met with his childhood sweetheart and they had sex in a Motel 6. I have been struggling with the trust, loyalty, commitment, and all of this. He said he was angry with me, and mad at me so he wanted to get back at me. Well, I am not over it. I forgave him, but I see now that it was only superficial. I want so much to tell him off!! She even told me that if we did not make it that she would be there for him, and would take good care of his children. MY GOD!!!! She couldn't believe that I would leave him because of this. What has he been telling her all these years about me? I have at least 1 or 2 propositions a week from men, but I would never never do this, even when I was in the world I would never mess with anyone elses man, and never be unfaithful to the one I was with. My soul is dead. I use to model and know that the outside is fine, but the inside is dead and ugly. I want to forgive completely, but fear has me caught. The three major men in my life has destroyed any of that. My father from sexual abuse, my first husband from physical and mental abuse and now the one man that I dropped all my guards for has totally crushed my foundation. Will he do it again? Can I trust him? This is the hard question, because the man I knew for 26 years would have never done this to me. Now he wants to forget it and move on, he will not open to me, communicate and he gets upset if I say something. I am truly trying but it is hard. I find myself not sleeping, I do picture those things in my mind. The tears come from no where. In the beginning, I felt that she was standing in my bedroom over us in the dark. I would get up and look around. When he puts his arms around me even now, I feel that she is still there. I am truly sinking. I pray and try to apply forgiveness (for real) but my pain is so deep I want to scream. I want him to tell me he loves me all the time, I want him to say I am sorry. He told me one time. I want to hear how sorry, I want to know if he knows what he did to me and his family. Why can't I let go. This happened in March and I found out in May. Now it is august and I am still hurting and crying. I try to pretend that I am happy when he is around, but sometimes I just can't help but space out away from him. I have to get some help. We are actually seeing an counselor, but I can't seem to get out all that I want to, because their goal is to move on to the next step. But how can I move on when I can't get over the first step? I have been reading these blogs and my heart aches. I have been married for 26 years, and found out that my husband has cheated on me. It was not an affair for months or anything like that. I found out after the unfaithful act, that he had been communicating with her for the entire 26 years at least 1 or 2 times a month. I was happy in my relationship and would often stick my chest out because I knew deep in my heart that he would do some things, but never be unfaithful. I was devastated, my very breath stopped. Marriage for me was sacred and placed right next to my relationship with God. I have been through a lot, I was the only caretaker for a brother who died in March of 2004 and 5 months later my other brother died. Both had to be cared for along with my 87 year old father and 82 year old mother. Then in July of 2006, my baby brother, my soulmate sibling was dying, I cared for him until his death in December of 2006. My family has never needed me before in the 26 years that I was married, and we have taken care of his family for all of the 26 years we have been together. The one time that my family needed me, We went into this together. He was in agreement. Our wedding anniversary was Mar 19 I wanted him to get a room for us, because we have 5 special needs children that we have adopted and this would give us privacy. He found an excuse, on Mar 27, he met with his childhood sweetheart and they had sex in a Motel 6.
I have been struggling with the trust, loyalty, commitment, and all of this. He said he was angry with me, and mad at me so he wanted to get back at me. Well, I am not over it. I forgave him, but I see now that it was only superficial. I want so much to tell him off!! She even told me that if we did not make it that she would be there for him, and would take good care of his children. MY GOD!!!! She couldn’t believe that I would leave him because of this. What has he been telling her all these years about me? I have at least 1 or 2 propositions a week from men, but I would never never do this, even when I was in the world I would never mess with anyone elses man, and never be unfaithful to the one I was with. My soul is dead. I use to model and know that the outside is fine, but the inside is dead and ugly. I want to forgive completely, but fear has me caught. The three major men in my life has destroyed any of that. My father from sexual abuse, my first husband from physical and mental abuse and now the one man that I dropped all my guards for has totally crushed my foundation. Will he do it again? Can I trust him? This is the hard question, because the man I knew for 26 years would have never done this to me. Now he wants to forget it and move on, he will not open to me, communicate and he gets upset if I say something. I am truly trying but it is hard. I find myself not sleeping, I do picture those things in my mind. The tears come from no where. In the beginning, I felt that she was standing in my bedroom over us in the dark. I would get up and look around. When he puts his arms around me even now, I feel that she is still there. I am truly sinking. I pray and try to apply forgiveness (for real) but my pain is so deep I want to scream. I want him to tell me he loves me all the time, I want him to say I am sorry. He told me one time. I want to hear how sorry, I want to know if he knows what he did to me and his family. Why can’t I let go. This happened in March and I found out in May. Now it is august and I am still hurting and crying. I try to pretend that I am happy when he is around, but sometimes I just can’t help but space out away from him. I have to get some help. We are actually seeing an counselor, but I can’t seem to get out all that I want to, because their goal is to move on to the next step. But how can I move on when I can’t get over the first step?

]]> By: Dee http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-249 Dee Wed, 15 Nov 2006 22:34:50 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-249 Paris, you're right when you say "when the love dies, you will know". You spouse has already lost your trust, probably your respect, your friendship and at times you don't even "like" him not alone love him. When he finally takes that last chip at the love you still have for him, there will be no turning back. Working thru their problem is sooooo exhausting, it will mentally and physically drain you. Do every thing you can to take care of yourself. Exercise...it's a great punching bag! Do something you have been wanting to do that he hasn't let you or would never join you doing. In the process of doing stuff like I mention you'll find new friends and a new set of friends at this time in your life will probably be good because often the old friends don't know what side of the situation they want to fall on either. Take care of yourself!!! Paris, you’re right when you say “when the love dies, you will know”. You spouse has already lost your trust, probably your respect, your friendship and at times you don’t even “like” him not alone love him. When he finally takes that last chip at the love you still have for him, there will be no turning back. Working thru their problem is sooooo exhausting, it will mentally and physically drain you. Do every thing you can to take care of yourself. Exercise…it’s a great punching bag! Do something you have been wanting to do that he hasn’t let you or would never join you doing. In the process of doing stuff like I mention you’ll find new friends and a new set of friends at this time in your life will probably be good because often the old friends don’t know what side of the situation they want to fall on either. Take care of yourself!!!

]]> By: Paris http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-237 Paris Tue, 14 Nov 2006 19:27:01 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-237 I've been struggling with the OW situation with my husband too. He loves me and I love him but he is unable to sever the extra relationship. Our kids are aware and upset but he still continues even though he doesn't want divorce from me and loves his children. He sees us able to come through this together but at the moment, I wonder how to get out of this fog. He wants to work it out of his system but doesn't know how to get that done and move past it. The OW is not in this area but the emotional affair is constant. He is obviously weak now or we wouldn't be in a situation of infidelity. He has tried to break it off several times with her but can't resist her trying to keep it going. One or the other always picks it up and the calls, texts, pages continue. We sure can't work on "us" while that involves indecision and another person. Months roll by but we haven't moved past this. I can't be hanging on a fence forever! I don't want to throw away 15 good years of life together. I guess if the love dies, then I will know we have worked through it and it will be over. I’ve been struggling with the OW situation with my husband too. He loves me and I love him but he is unable to sever the extra relationship. Our kids are aware and upset but he still continues even though he doesn’t want divorce from me and loves his children. He sees us able to come through this together but at the moment, I wonder how to get out of this fog. He wants to work it out of his system but doesn’t know how to get that done and move past it. The OW is not in this area but the emotional affair is constant. He is obviously weak now or we wouldn’t be in a situation of infidelity. He has tried to break it off several times with her but can’t resist her trying to keep it going. One or the other always picks it up and the calls, texts, pages continue. We sure can’t work on “us” while that involves indecision and another person. Months roll by but we haven’t moved past this. I can’t be hanging on a fence forever! I don’t want to throw away 15 good years of life together. I guess if the love dies, then I will know we have worked through it and it will be over.

]]> By: MKay http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-216 MKay Mon, 13 Nov 2006 15:18:50 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-216 Yes - the key is erasing the cell phone history. That is the evidence (or lack of) that says - I don't want you to see who I called or when. And...sometimes they forget ...and then you know...and then you try to rationalize it in your mind, well, just one call, it says PRIVATE caller or BLOCKED id and it was probably a friend or business or whatever - WRONG WRONG WRONG - it is the OP and you finally see it cause it wasn't erased and you rationalize - get your head out of the sand...also you feel it in your GUT - that is hugh...the gut never lies...the heart is weak and the mind is playing tricks with the heart but the GUT knows all. The girlfriend/boss knows - doesn't think you know...everybody knows...they are glowing and think they are quiet but everybody knows...and nobody knows how to tell you...and then when it breaks, you will hear tons of stories about how they knew but didn't want to say anything to you...then you feel more like a FOOL!!! Yes - the key is erasing the cell phone history. That is the
evidence (or lack of) that says - I don’t want you to see who I called or when. And…sometimes they forget …and then you know…and then you try to rationalize it in your mind, well,
just one call, it says PRIVATE caller or BLOCKED id and it was
probably a friend or business or whatever - WRONG WRONG WRONG -
it is the OP and you finally see it cause it wasn’t erased and
you rationalize - get your head out of the sand…also you feel it in your GUT - that is hugh…the gut never lies…the heart is weak and the mind is playing tricks with the heart but the GUT
knows all. The girlfriend/boss knows - doesn’t think you know…everybody knows…they are glowing and think they are quiet but everybody knows…and nobody knows how to tell you…and then when it breaks, you will hear tons of stories about how they knew but didn’t want to say anything to you…then you feel more like a FOOL!!!

]]> By: JImbo http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-163 JImbo Fri, 10 Nov 2006 11:59:55 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-163 Last week I found out, that I strongly suspect that my wife is/was having an affair with a coworker. It all began with emails she received from her coworker and I happened across them. She immediately took the laptop away from me and proceeded to delete the emails. Then she asked me what I was talking about. I said those emails I just read to you, though they weren't scandalous they made me suspicious, especially since she acted like she NOW didn't knwo what I was talking about. One of them said, Too bad U R married....Ha! :); You already made my day! Who's doing lunch today?; ARe you up for coffee? But the killer was she and he both took off work for 4 hours together and she has subsequently denied it, though they went into their computers and changed their meeting makers after I confronted her. THe next day they were changed. She made it one day before one of our child's 1st birthdays, a week in advance. They would pick the place and schedule plenty of time then decide for....who knows? All of this on company email and now she is deleting her cell phone history which she had NEVER done in 5 years of marriage. We have 3 children. I feel like I am going nuts. I haven't nailed her in the act, but all arrows point to infidelity in my mind. It is like she lives a double life. I don't think she will ever admit it. I realize she works with lots of men so I am taking this into account because I don't want anyone to think I am being overly jealous. I can feel it in my gut. This is different. We have 3 beautiful babies and I will do what it takes to save this marriage but I won't let her make me her door mat. I know her girlfriend/boss. Should I tell her about it? She will be floored. But I'd like a little justice. Last week I found out, that I strongly suspect that my wife is/was having an affair with a coworker. It all began with emails she received from her coworker and I happened across them. She immediately took the laptop away from me and proceeded to delete the emails. Then she asked me what I was talking about. I said those emails I just read to you, though they weren’t scandalous they made me suspicious, especially since she acted like she NOW didn’t knwo what I was talking about. One of them said, Too bad U R married….Ha! :); You already made my day! Who’s doing lunch today?; ARe you up for coffee?

But the killer was she and he both took off work for 4 hours together and she has subsequently denied it, though they went into their computers and changed their meeting makers after I confronted her. THe next day they were changed. She made it one day before one of our child’s 1st birthdays, a week in advance. They would pick the place and schedule plenty of time then decide for….who knows?

All of this on company email and now she is deleting her cell phone history which she had NEVER done in 5 years of marriage. We have 3 children.

I feel like I am going nuts. I haven’t nailed her in the act, but all arrows point to infidelity in my mind.

It is like she lives a double life. I don’t think she will ever admit it. I realize she works with lots of men so I am taking this into account because I don’t want anyone to think I am being overly jealous. I can feel it in my gut. This is different.

We have 3 beautiful babies and I will do what it takes to save this marriage but I won’t let her make me her door mat.

I know her girlfriend/boss. Should I tell her about it? She will be floored. But I’d like a little justice.

]]> By: Dee http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-102 Dee Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:33:37 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-102 BeeJay, Bless your heart for keeping your principles in place! It's a hard thing to do when you've been hurt by someone you've loved so dearly. I truly believe if I behaved the way my spouse has over the past two year he'd leave me instantly. What makes he think it's okay for him to behave like he does is amazing when I know he would not tolerate it one bit from me. Take care of yourself and always, always stay true to your principles. I too have grown far beyond where I ever thought I could be and I'm right with you on the awakening that my spouse will struggle with moving forward. BeeJay, Bless your heart for keeping your principles in place! It’s a hard thing to do when you’ve been hurt by someone you’ve loved so dearly. I truly believe if I behaved the way my spouse has over the past two year he’d leave me instantly. What makes he think it’s okay for him to behave like he does is amazing when I know he would not tolerate it one bit from me. Take care of yourself and always, always stay true to your principles. I too have grown far beyond where I ever thought I could be and I’m right with you on the awakening that my spouse will struggle with moving forward.

]]> By: BeeJay http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-98 BeeJay Wed, 01 Nov 2006 22:39:57 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-98 Update... I had a chance to get even yesterday. I did not take it. In the end I did not want to be like her. I told myself I know I am not like that. Never have been...Never will! This is one beautiful and intelligent woman who has always liked me. I told her it ain't gonna happen like this. She respected my judgement and said I was a "good man" and she thinks my wife does not deserve me. We talked and drink coffee at Starbucks. Her insight although somewhat biased was great. I had felt bad because my male pride had been trampled on (this is big for a man...trust me). So I had been wrestling with this demon for weeks now. I left renewed and restored...feeling I had passed the test somehow. Knowing that I would not stoop down to my wifes level ever. I feel great today and feel like I can focus on me again. I have listed out my goals and will now work to achieve them with renewed zest and vigor. If my wife and I don't make it then it will be because she cannot keep up with me from now on. She has caused an awakening in me that I believe she cannot or will not comprehend. Good Luck and Keep the Faith! Update…

I had a chance to get even yesterday. I did not take it.
In the end I did not want to be like her. I told myself I know I am not like that. Never have been…Never will!

This is one beautiful and intelligent woman who has always liked me. I told her it ain’t gonna happen like this. She respected my judgement and said I was a “good man” and she thinks my wife does not deserve me.

We talked and drink coffee at Starbucks. Her insight although somewhat biased was great. I had felt bad because my male pride had been trampled on (this is big for a man…trust me). So I had been wrestling with this demon for weeks now. I left renewed and restored…feeling I had passed the test somehow. Knowing that I would not stoop down to my wifes level ever.

I feel great today and feel like I can focus on me again. I have listed out my goals and will now work to achieve them with renewed zest and vigor. If my wife and I don’t make it then it will be because she cannot keep up with me from now on. She has caused an awakening in me that I believe she cannot or will not comprehend.

Good Luck and Keep the Faith!

]]> By: Dee http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-94 Dee Tue, 31 Oct 2006 15:48:51 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/21/a-cheating-spouse-history-repeats-itself/#comment-94 Jane, If your cheating spouse says he doesn't want to be with you anymore, than it's time to cut the cord. Personally I almost wish that my spouse would had been that clear, it would have made the last two years alot easier. But the difference for me is that my spouse does love me and I love him. He has made very poor choices over the past two years and he has finally come to realize his choices were very disrespectful of me. I made it clear to him that when he has chipped away at the only thing he had left with me, which was my love for him, there would be no turning back. When the love is gone, it's gone! Nobody should want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them. You do need to communicate your decision very clearly with him by telling him that he has told you that he no longer wants to be with you so you are going to honor his decision and walk. File and move forward, you deserve to be happy in a relationship with someone who wants to be with you. Take care of yourself, you are the one that will need to be strong for your children. How you handle this will be what your children will remember. Jane, If your cheating spouse says he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, than it’s time to cut the cord. Personally I almost wish that my spouse would had been that clear, it would have made the last two years alot easier. But the difference for me is that my spouse does love me and I love him. He has made very poor choices over the past two years and he has finally come to realize his choices were very disrespectful of me. I made it clear to him that when he has chipped away at the only thing he had left with me, which was my love for him, there would be no turning back. When the love is gone, it’s gone! Nobody should want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them. You do need to communicate your decision very clearly with him by telling him that he has told you that he no longer wants to be with you so you are going to honor his decision and walk. File and move forward, you deserve to be happy in a relationship with someone who wants to be with you. Take care of yourself, you are the one that will need to be strong for your children. How you handle this will be what your children will remember.

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