Comments on: Infidelity and the Determination to Hang On http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/ to Survive and Cope with Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs Tue, 06 Jan 2009 09:20:19 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.5 By: Woman of Faith http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-15327 Woman of Faith Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:10:38 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-15327 People need to be challenged to find ways to rejuvenate and recharge the relationships to which they originally committed, rather than looking for a seemingly easy way out. That "out" avoids their own internal issues, erodes their self-respect, and destroys lives. Nothing good can come of a relationship based on deception, lies, and betrayal. Typically, the major attraction is NOT a commonality of interests or temperament, but rather one of internal discontent and a taste for the forbidden. I posit: this "man" might not be nearly so interesting--OR interested in HER--if he were single. Much of the thrill of an affair is the mere fact of unavailability, the ability to draw in one who "belongs" to another...underscoring one's power of attraction. OtherWoman may indeed be fantastic in many ways. But her moral compass has lost its magnet. If she has this much to offer, she would be wise to recognize the value within herself and not cheapen it by whoring it out to a boychild who "belongs" to someone else. Her "right" to this man is not predicated on the "worthiness" of his wife. His wife is still his wife. People need to be challenged to find ways to rejuvenate and recharge the relationships to which they originally committed, rather than looking for a seemingly easy way out.

That “out” avoids their own internal issues, erodes their self-respect, and destroys lives. Nothing good can come of a relationship based on deception, lies, and betrayal.

Typically, the major attraction is NOT a commonality of interests or temperament, but rather one of internal discontent and a taste for the forbidden. I posit: this “man” might not be nearly so interesting–OR interested in HER–if he were single. Much of the thrill of an affair is the mere fact of unavailability, the ability to draw in one who “belongs” to another…underscoring one’s power of attraction.

OtherWoman may indeed be fantastic in many ways. But her moral compass has lost its magnet. If she has this much to offer, she would be wise to recognize the value within herself and not cheapen it by whoring it out to a boychild who “belongs” to someone else. Her “right” to this man is not predicated on the “worthiness” of his wife. His wife is still his wife.

]]> By: Shennie http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-392 Shennie Sun, 10 Dec 2006 03:38:55 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-392 To the other woman if a married man is so attractive to you as a lover then why dont you have one of your own, maybe there is a real reason for that. And maybe in between your lovemaking you could discipline her kids while your at it. since you are so indignant and confident there should be no problem there. What really gets me is that you have the odasity to accuse her of being responsible for her humdrum life but you overlook that he is no diff and by being with you certainly was the worst choice he could have made . If you are so cultured then why are you sleeping with someone elses husband most cultured people have better morals, perhaps he is using you because no one else is right now. You base knowing this womans personality from a mere statement likely said out of working through their probs. and the from what he tells you statement did you really think he would tell you how much he loves he obviously more than you or he would be married to you right now and not her. Your giving yourself way to much credit. Go find your own man or maybe with such culture and refinement you can only stoop to this level. get over yourself goddess To the other woman if a married man is so attractive to you
as a lover then why dont you have one of your own, maybe there is a real reason for that. And maybe in between your
lovemaking you could discipline her kids while your at it. since you are so indignant and confident there should be no problem there. What really gets me is that you have the odasity to accuse her of being responsible for her humdrum life but you overlook that he is no diff and by being with you certainly was the worst choice he could have made . If you are so cultured then why are you sleeping with someone elses husband most cultured people have better morals, perhaps he is using you because no one else is right now. You base knowing this womans personality from a mere statement likely said out of working through their probs. and the from what he tells you statement did you really think he would tell you how much he loves he obviously more than you or he would be married to you right now and not her. Your giving yourself way to much credit. Go find your own man or maybe with such culture and refinement you can only stoop to this level. get over yourself goddess

]]> By: janet http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-359 janet Sun, 03 Dec 2006 00:17:51 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-359 It is great to come here and see that I'm not alone either. My husband and I fell in love when we were 12 yrs old and have been ever since. We got married at 18 and had a baby 3 yrs later (we're now 23) 9 months ago I caught him having an affair with his ex..he was ending it when I found out. My world fell apart and I kicked him out..the girl was nothing but trash..she was planning her wedding at the time. Of course I got a hold of her poor fiancee and told him eveything so her wedding fell apart. The minute I cought him he dropped her like a bad habbit and begged for forgivenes..said she was a huge mistake and now he really realized that I'm the only one for him. He took me to church and wanted to do counceling..anything to help me forgive him. I believe that he'll never do it again, and now he treats me better than ever and I feel his love for me is 10 times stronger. But I'm sooo full of anger and pain I don't know what to do with it so I take it out on him everyday...it has been almost a year of hell for him, sometimes I wonder how he can even stick around for so long crying and saying he's sorry for the same thing but he does because he says he deserves it and he wants to save our love. I love him the same but I can't help wanting to do the same to him because I feel like is gonna help me get over it, to put him in so much pain like he did to me. We had lost our virginities to each other and that meant so much to me...but now I have to deal with him giving himself to someone else and he's still the only man I've ever been with. just so many thoughts and emotions...he betrayed me and I trusted him with my life. I try so hard but I can't forget...but I also don't want to be with anybody else. We both know that if I can get over this, we would be the happiest couple ever but I can't forgive him. How could I ever trust him with my heart again?? If anyone has any advise I would truly appreciate it. Thank you It is great to come here and see that I’m not alone either. My husband and I fell in love when we were 12 yrs old and have been ever since. We got married at 18 and had a baby 3 yrs later (we’re now 23) 9 months ago I caught him having an affair with his ex..he was ending it when I found out. My world fell apart and I kicked him out..the girl was nothing but trash..she was planning her wedding at the time. Of course I got a hold of her poor fiancee and told him eveything so her wedding fell apart. The minute I cought him he dropped her like a bad habbit and begged for forgivenes..said she was a huge mistake and now he really realized that I’m the only one for him. He took me to church and wanted to do counceling..anything to help me forgive him. I believe that he’ll never do it again, and now he treats me better than ever and I feel his love for me is 10 times stronger. But I’m sooo full of anger and pain I don’t know what to do with it so I take it out on him everyday…it has been almost a year of hell for him, sometimes I wonder how he can even stick around for so long crying and saying he’s sorry for the same thing but he does because he says he deserves it and he wants to save our love. I love him the same but I can’t help wanting to do the same to him because I feel like is gonna help me get over it, to put him in so much pain like he did to me. We had lost our virginities to each other and that meant so much to me…but now I have to deal with him giving himself to someone else and he’s still the only man I’ve ever been with. just so many thoughts and emotions…he betrayed me and I trusted him with my life. I try so hard but I can’t forget…but I also don’t want to be with anybody else. We both know that if I can get over this, we would be the happiest couple ever but I can’t forgive him. How could I ever trust him with my heart again?? If anyone has any advise I would truly appreciate it. Thank you

]]> By: Paris http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-238 Paris Tue, 14 Nov 2006 19:59:47 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-238 It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you Ev for articulating the basic fact: there is no excuse for a third party interfering in a marriage. My husband is letting himself spiral out of control with his career and family while he messes around with the indecision whether he should end the affair or pursue more vigorously. Prayer and an understanding clergy have been a huge help. Luckily, before I discovered this website, I already felt I shouldn't involve my family, in case our marriage does get stronger. It is difficult to erase a bad reputation with extended family. So I introspect: I am ok. It is not my fault. I don't want divorce but if it comes to that, I will pick up the pieces and go on. Life is good and God blesses. I just hope I gain the strength through this trial that will make me a better person, no matter what the outcome. My prayers to you others out there. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. Thank you Ev for articulating the basic fact: there is no excuse for a third party interfering in a marriage. My husband is letting himself spiral out of control with his career and family while he messes around with the indecision whether he should end the affair or pursue more vigorously. Prayer and an understanding clergy have been a huge help. Luckily, before I discovered this website, I already felt I shouldn’t involve my family, in case our marriage does get stronger. It is difficult to erase a bad reputation with extended family. So I introspect: I am ok. It is not my fault. I don’t want divorce but if it comes to that, I will pick up the pieces and go on. Life is good and God blesses. I just hope I gain the strength through this trial that will make me a better person, no matter what the outcome. My prayers to you others out there.

]]> By: Almi http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-132 Almi Mon, 06 Nov 2006 12:04:16 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-132 We have been married for 25 years. Very happily. Until about 3 years ago. I overheard my husband telling somebody over the phone that she is "not 100% but 200% what he wants.." He saw me and quickly ended the conversation. He explained that he had too much to drink (he came from a work function) and that he loves me very much. Over the last 3 years I noticed his libido taking a dive, and constant sms's from this person. I confronted her (she works with him) and she promised that she would stop depending on him for emotional support at work. This past year we have had three showdowns regarding their affair. And he admitted that he slept with her, took her away for a weekend etx. After the second showdown he promised that he will stop. I got hold of his cell acc. and saw that he was still sending her up to 100 smse per day. Not counting the calls to her phone. That really hurt me. To think that he made a promise to be true. And while I was still recovering from the pain he was already busy courting her again. Anyway, the last and third 27/10 time I confronted him, I was so calm - I even noticed the colour of the leaves falling on the lawn behind him. He chose to stay with me and end this affair. I still dont trust him, but I am reading a lot about how to handle situations like this. And I keep my ears and eyes open. I only tell him that I love him once a day.Not more. I went to see my doctor and got anti depression tablets to help me look happy. And I made an appointment with a marriage councellor. He is going to see him in an hours time. I hope that he will be able to talk to this man and tell him what it is that he is looking for, or afraid of. I never thought that something like this could ever happen to me - we were so happy. We have been married for 25 years. Very happily. Until about 3 years ago. I overheard my husband telling somebody over the phone that she is “not 100% but 200% what he wants..” He saw me and quickly ended the conversation. He explained that he had too much to drink (he came from a work function) and that he loves me very much.
Over the last 3 years I noticed his libido taking a dive, and constant sms’s from this person. I confronted her (she works with him) and she promised that she would stop depending on him for emotional support at work.
This past year we have had three showdowns regarding their affair. And he admitted that he slept with her, took her away for a weekend etx. After the second showdown he promised that he will stop. I got hold of his cell acc. and saw that he was still sending her up to 100 smse per day. Not counting the calls to her phone.
That really hurt me. To think that he made a promise to be true. And while I was still recovering from the pain he was already busy courting her again.
Anyway, the last and third 27/10 time I confronted him, I was so calm - I even noticed the colour of the leaves falling on the lawn behind him. He chose to stay with me and end this affair. I still dont trust him, but I am reading a lot about how to handle situations like this. And I keep my ears and eyes open. I only tell him that I love him once a day.Not more. I went to see my doctor and got anti depression tablets to help me look happy. And I made an appointment with a marriage councellor. He is going to see him in an hours time.
I hope that he will be able to talk to this man and tell him what it is that he is looking for, or afraid of.
I never thought that something like this could ever happen to me - we were so happy.

]]> By: Ev http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-99 Ev Thu, 02 Nov 2006 06:06:20 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-99 Movin' on up: It was nice to reread about your experience and how you are handling your situation. I have hung in there long enough until tonight. We both agreed he should move out for the time being. At some point you have to stop being a doormat and start thinking about yourself and the kids. My husband has been cheating on me with an emotional affair. They can't seem to leave each other alone. I don't share my husband and I have been doing it for too long, 21 months. I hope it will be more of a relief and I can find a job. I never thought it would come to this. We both agree we had a good marriage until this OP came along. This could happen to anyone if they are not careful and nourishing their marriage. Movin’ on up: It was nice to reread about your experience and how you are handling your situation. I have hung in there long enough until tonight. We both agreed he should move out for the time being. At some point you have to stop being a doormat and start thinking about yourself and the kids. My husband has been cheating on me with an emotional affair. They can’t seem to leave each other alone. I don’t share my husband and I have been doing it for too long, 21 months. I hope it will be more of a relief and I can find a job. I never thought it would come to this. We both agree we had a good marriage until this OP came along. This could happen to anyone if they are not careful and nourishing their marriage.

]]> By: BeeJay http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-97 BeeJay Wed, 01 Nov 2006 22:20:54 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-97 Chan...Hang in there. This too shall pass. Think of the things that you want to accomplish for you and your kids. This is an chance to better yourself not a setback. Do all the things you did not do before. Go Crazy! Get Silly! Read that Book! Take that Class! I have used my situation to lose 40 pounds ... I feel great and like it when people tell me how nice am I looking these days. I am going for 50 more. Wish me luck! Good luck and Keep the Faith! Chan…Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Think of the things that you want to accomplish for you and your kids.

This is an chance to better yourself not a setback. Do all the things you did not do before. Go Crazy! Get Silly! Read that Book! Take that Class!

I have used my situation to lose 40 pounds … I feel great and like it when people tell me how nice am I looking these days. I am going for 50 more.

Wish me luck!

Good luck and Keep the Faith!

]]> By: chan http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-92 chan Tue, 31 Oct 2006 07:13:44 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-92 Thank you Ev. It just seems more challenging with 2 kids (aged 7 and 9). Especially when they ask about the father and how they miss him, etc. Thank you Ev. It just seems more challenging with 2 kids (aged 7 and 9). Especially when they ask about the father and how they miss him, etc.

]]> By: Ev http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-91 Ev Tue, 31 Oct 2006 01:14:53 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-91 Chan: You are asking for advice. Here goes: Yes, live one day at a time because each day can be different. Lean on friends and family if you can but remember, it is your problem not theirs. At some point you may need to see a professional and get on anti-depressants. Don't feel bad about this because you need all the help you can get. This may be more of the cheater's problem causing the crisis, not you. At some point you will have to ask the old question, "Am I better off with him or without him," You can hang in there as long as possible and this book explains how to do that, how these situations happen and what your choices are. There are more people doing this in the world than you could ever imagine. Help is out there, look for it and read as much as you can. The best way to survive is to be active and get a life. I know. I am finally crawling out of the pit. Chan: You are asking for advice. Here goes: Yes, live one day at a time because each day can be different. Lean on friends and family if you can but remember, it is your problem not theirs. At some point you may need to see a professional and get on anti-depressants. Don’t feel bad about this because you need all the help you can get. This may be more of the cheater’s problem causing the crisis, not you. At some point you will have to ask the old question, “Am I better off with him or without him,” You can hang in there as long as possible and this book explains how to do that, how these situations happen and what your choices are. There are more people doing this in the world than you could ever imagine. Help is out there, look for it and read as much as you can. The best way to survive is to be active and get a life. I know. I am finally crawling out of the pit.

]]> By: Sandra http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-89 Sandra Mon, 30 Oct 2006 21:33:35 +0000 http://infidelity-help.com/blog/2006/10/16/infidelity-and-the-determination-to-hang-on/#comment-89 How well written, Ev. Couldn't have written it better myself. The third person in my marriage justified it by saying I wasn't a good enough wife to my husband. He was a drunk and cheated on me 6 times(I just found out). I guess I should have been happy with that. NOT!!! If husbands spent have the time trying to make their wifes happy as the OP I believe the divorce rate would be a least 1/2. How well written, Ev. Couldn’t have written it better myself. The third person in my marriage justified it by saying I wasn’t a good enough wife to my husband. He was a drunk and cheated on me 6 times(I just found out). I guess I should have been happy with that. NOT!!!
If husbands spent have the time trying to make their wifes happy as the OP I believe the divorce rate would be a least 1/2.

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