Confronting the other woman may create a nightmare, as this person discovered. Also the issue of co-dependency is broached.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

Actually, I did not confront her, but forced my husband to re-face her after a period of 5 months abstinence to see if he still really loved her. He met her at her place of work for 15 minutes and found he did, and in facing her once again, made her think that he might still divorce me. When he did not contact her for several weeks after that last meeting, she called with intense anger and told him to never call her again. This made him turn all of his anger toward me. He felt that I had essentially confronted her in a way, and caused her to stop waiting for him.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

He had hoped that she would still be waiting if our marriage didn’t work out. We have not been able to move forward because she is always essentially “in the backyard of his mind.” In other words, he’s not been totally committed to our reconciliation, though he says he has been. Because of my inability to “charge neutral” 100 percent of the time (I’ve had numerous “slips”), and because he is so angry at the thought of losing her, he now wants a divorce. And he’s called her to say he wants to start dating her again, and she’s said OK. What a nightmare I (we?) have created. We’ve been married 42 years, he’s had numerous affairs, though until this one I was only aware of one other 25 years ago, for which I had forgiven him. I thought after that one, that he would never cheat on me again. Wrong! He actually continued that affair without my knowledge right up until the time he met this new love. He believes he has finally found his soul mate.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I would not have insisted that he see her once again. I had thought that, after 5 months, if he saw her again, he would be able to make up his mind, because he has not been able to get her off his mind. Dumb. I learned that was a huge mistake. Also, during the last few weeks, attending s-Anon meetings, I have learned that I am a co-dependent, that he is a sex/love addict, and that there is no hope for “WE” unless we both continue serious involvement in the 12-step programs for these two “diseases.” I am hopeful that we could repair our marriage, he has no hope. I am in despair, but I know that I will survive and am very grateful for your book, which I keep referring back to when I need some good advice.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Triangles don’t work. Attempting to get accurate information through a triangle is often futile as this person discovered. Not only did she not shed light on his position, it backfired and became a nightmare.

2. Are “co-dependent” people (I really don’t like that term. I find it diffuse and difficult to understand, and I believe it’s difficult often to separate “co-dependency” from one’s sensitivity to others. Any way…) more susceptible to triangles? I believe so, in the sense that caring, sensitive people often tie into others with great intensity and rely upon that bond to get adequate information to make decisions about the distance and intimacy in a relationship.

3. If one shares a sensitivity to people, one must take care in not relying upon that process to make personal and relational decisions. The best bet: Self disclosure of where one stands and tuning into the messages received from the other person, with a continual process of clarifying those messages.

Confronting the other woman may trigger the game of uproar.

Case Study:

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

On the day I found out had made a phone call to a number my husband had called several times the night before.( I grabbed his cell phone) A woman answered. Eventually after asking her several times if she was having an affair with him she said yes.I then proceeded to tell her a few things about our relationship she was unaware of, like we were going away for 3 wks ( she thought he was going on a business trip)that we still slept together( he told her we didn’t) and that he had a sexually transmitted disease.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

We were both keen to meet and to confront him as he had been lying to us both. It didn’t change anything as he continued denying it all and they are still together.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

I learned that she could never be my accomplice or aid in bringing him to his senses no matter how many lies he was telling her .I asked him to move out which she had no doubt been hoping he would do for years so I played right into her hands.She was angry with him and broke it off briefly but needs his financial support. She is a big spender,bankrupt and unemployed and he has a good job. She drinks at the pub he frequents after work which is where she met him.We have caught him out on a few lies on other occasions but now I have backed off . She is also involved with another married man from time to time,but they are still together.He tells me he is caught in a web he cant seem to break free from.

Coach’s Comments:

1. Eric Berne (sp), an author in the 70s describes a game that many couples play called “uproar.” The intent of the game is to keep the pot stirred, which provides “juice” for the relationship but seldom leads to intimacy. Thus you have a purpose of the relationship, yet it seems “safe” for those who fear the true intimacy of knowing and being known.

2. The above case study seems like a game of uproar. And, this time there is a triangle of 3 that keeps the juice flowing. Uproar is often game played when an addiction (alcohol in this case?) is involved.

3. The remedy for uproar is to state one’s position by charging neutral and back away. Declaring one’s self [without referring to the other person(s)] reduces the power of the game and sets boundaries which also makes the game less fun. Boundaries are the anathema of uproar. This tactic is especially important when facing the “I fell out of love…and just loved being in love” affair.

Have you been to the infidelity chat room? It may not be for everyone, but some find it a key component in recovering from infidelity.

Listen to what some chat room users say:

1. List 2-3 ways the Chat Room has played a significant part in your “recovery.”

>>>>I realize that I am not alone and unfortunately my husband has used the same lies and excuses that almost every other betrayed spouse has.

>>>>I no longer feel alone. When my husband is being nasty and distant I log on and chat to the others. The support is a God sent.

>>>>someone is always there to listen seeing that others have also gone through it helps

>>>>I am very new myself..not much for stories to tell, just that I appreciate the opportunity to hear others opinions…hearing from someone who has hurt the same as I means more to me than you will ever realize!

>>>>Sharing of the pain Realizing there’s worse off than yourself Getting things off my chest

2. What are a couple pieces of advice you would give a newbie to the Chat Room?

>>>>Just dive in and let people know your story. Everyone is really supportive and wants to help you through the pain

>>>>Wait - listen - take support and give support

>>>>dive right in - you will feel better check back often - there are different people on at different times

>>>>You’ll be surprised at the relief talking with people coming from the same situation does to make you not feel like you’re the only one going through this. Sadly it’s all too common :-( Our situation (blended family) had a lot of other sub issues which contributed to it all. Speaking to others on how they handle things, not just an affair is also very helpful & humanising.