I asked my readers when they first began to suspect infidelity or an extramarital affair. Here are 9 responses to first discerning the signs of infidelity:

1. Said she loved me but was not in love with me!

2. I first noticed signs when my oldest child, a son was about to graduate from high school. He became more aloof towards me, began losing weight, wearing cologne to work, passwording his e-mail and telephone, etc…classic symptoms that I tried to pass off as empty nest signs.

3. The 60 minute appointment (masseuse) once a week became twice weekly ritual. Phone records showed he was calling her obsessively. Caller ID showed me she was calling him but she’d hang up when I answered. Friends reported him helping her at her shop (hanging pictures, assembling furniture)…trust me, he isn’t handy at home

4. Aloofness when at home. Distant. Stopped having sex with me. Lying about where he was or was going or just leaving without saying anything.

5. He became cold, hostile, argumentative, picked fights,was on his computer late at night, accused me of spying on him. Annoyed if I tried to have a conversation. Told me not to ask him any questions. Just before I found out, he said he didn’t want sex anymore unless I would do certain things he wanted that he knew I found offensive.

6. his appearance and staying late at work

7. regular going out, irritability

8. He was still coming home from work (he owns the business) at his “normal” time – always “works” late – but smelled of booze- was sometimes to the point of being glassy eyed and wobbly – had a smug look on his face – like he was proud of himself for blatantly disrespecting my wishes – I had agreed to marry him only after several years of him not drinking (he frequently drank to excess when we were first dating). I looked in his day timer and found notes that he was keeping about how he went back to the bar every day for several days – just in case she was working – and then about his daily meetings with this waitress.

9. 3 months after it started. Talking on the phone alot (CELL). Then caught in the motel by her husband.