Archives for April 2012

Marriage and Relationships: Romance is Not What It Used To Be

One of the biggest factors that causes affairs in marriage and relationships, especially that of the “I fell out of love… and just love being in love” type, is romance. And here are some of the reasons why:

1. People use romance as a way for them to meet their personal needs. They want to be acknowledged, to be cared for, to feel special, to feel like they are important and so on, so they look for someone who will do that. Romance should not be used as a tool to feel somewhat validated. Letting it lead you and the decisions you make will only take you from one person to the next without any satisfaction.

2. Romance has become idealized in movies, books, TV shows and other things like that as the ultimate experience in intimate relationships. It is depicted as the basis of a strong and lasting relationship, the basis in choosing the person you should be with. They show beautiful people in a beautiful relationship, and who wouldn’t want to have that?

3. Romance is a way for people to feel good – about their life, about themselves – and they expect to feel good whenever they pursue romance. They want that high you get when you’re with someone new and they expect it to last, but it never does because their basis for being with that person is for an immediate fix instead of a lifetime goal.

4. And lastly, romance is an excuse that a lot of people use for sex. Having chemistry with someone doesn’t indicate that you two should have sex, it doesn’t even mean that you should be together, but most people would see this chemistry as a “spark” that should be pursued and so they pursue it.

Romance has lost its true meaning mostly because we use it as an excuse to satisfy our immediate wants and desires. If you want true romance, look into yourself and be more aware of the things that bring you real happiness and accept yourself for who and what you are.

Marriage After Infidelity: When Working on the Relationship Is Not Working

Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is never easy, and couples who are in a “polarized” relationship, where one needs to talk things through and the other just wants to move on, are faced with the added problem of having to deal with this barrier of not being able to communicate. Communication is one of the biggest tools that you need when rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.

The following are some of the other common issues that “polarized” couples have to deal with:

1. Usually, one or even both of the partners feel the need to kind of sacrifice their needs for the other because they want to be able to make their partner happy. This only really works for a little while because having to set aside one’s personal needs for a long period of time eventually causes resentment and anger. You might see it as admirable that you are setting your needs aside for you to be able to cater to your partner, but it is actually cowardly. Having the courage to ask, not demand, for your needs to be met will come a long way in restoring respect and trust in your marriage.

2. Also, the couple sometimes takes for granted the opportunity to really look into their issues, take them apart and try to fix them. They tend to have a let’s-start-over attitude about the whole thing and ignore their problems instead of finding solutions to get through them. Although it is easier to “leave the past in the past” and forget everything that’s happened, there is no guarantee that those issues won’t resurface after some time. In fact, they most definitely will sooner or later. So it is much more beneficial for your relationship to dig into those issues and face them as soon as you are able.

3. And lastly, what occurs in most instances is that after the initial efforts made in working on the relationship, the couple reverts back to their old ways and loses the progress they make. They go back to the way they used to be – how they acted, talked and treated each other in the past becomes the norm once again. This is a crucial part in rebuilding a marriage after infidelity — to maintain the progress and the changes  that you’ve made. And it takes real, conscious effort — at least for a certain time — for you to really be able to make those changes a part of your routine and a part of your life.

Consistency: Building Trust in Your Relationship

There is plenty of advice being put out there regarding building trust in your relationship. Most of it is true and helpful, but a lot of it won’t do you any good.

Here is one piece of advice that will be beneficial: Be consistent. A lot of people in relationships or marriages say that they want to be surprised, they want spontaneity, and they don’t want to be stuck in a rut. And although this is true enough in most situations, they also don’t want to be shocked or caught by surprise by sudden changes in your behavior all the time as well.

Your partner wants to think that he or she knows you and knows what you will do. Your partner wants you to be consistent in your actions, your feelings, your behavior, your treatment of him or her, and everything else. Your partner wants to be able to expect or predict how you will react or respond to whatever situation that might go your way.

Sudden changes in your behavior – losing weight, dressing differently, acting differently – these things tend to cause suspicions and doubts that lead to your partner suspecting you of things that may or may not be happening, and end up destroying the trust in your relationship.

You may think that being consistent means being predictable, which is something that everyone does not want to be. But consistent doesn’t always have to mean predictable, and predictable doesn’t always have to mean boring. Be spontaneous, be surprising, be impulsive, but be all of that consistently.

It may seem to be one of those “too good to be true, cure all” steps to fixing a marriage that you read everywhere all the time. And yes, it is such a simple answer to a complex issue, but it does work. Being consistent in the way you are when it comes to your husband or wife is one of the simplest ways that you can build and develop the trust in your relationship.