Archives for January 2009

Infidelity: When Enough is Enough

Sometimes the game gets old. A line must be drawn.

Case Study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

He continued casual contact with the OW after the affair; flirted with other women; blamed me for not being affectionate enough with him, or paying attention to him when he was equally to blame; claimed his feelings of hurt were worse than mine; refused to discuss details of the affair, all at the same time claiming he wanted our marriage to work out and he only wanted to be with me.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

I tolerated the behavior and charged neutral for a while; when I discovered more about the affair on my own, I began to refuse to accept his behavior, and insisted that whatever he thought his injury was from me, I was hurting every bit as much; I demanded that he come clean with more details and to cut off contact with the OW, that it was disrespectful to me and our marriage. Becuase he wanted to stay with me, he stopped the flirting, told the OW not to call him anymoore and promised to let me know if she did; he became more accepting of his role in our marital problems and more sensitive to the hurt he caused me. Things are good now.

Infidelity is Crazy Time: Maintaining Self-worth

Infidelity is often crazy time. The spouse takes off on a crazy ride which challenges the self-esteem of the spouse.

Read this case study:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

He was ‘unhappy’ for thirty years ‘but didn’t know it until this woman picked him up in a bar and they started an affair (two years ago). Yet six weeks before, he said to friends that he had never been happier (with me); he was living a ‘honeymoon’. Weeks before he revealed he was leaving me and our five children for this woman he had known five weeks, he berated me for ‘being an emotional and financial burden to him’. It was time he ‘kept’ and did something for himself. I was totally shocked. (This man is a military chaplain.) He said the ‘kids would get over it.’ That he could ‘have any woman he wanted and he just proved it’. He described the affair in detail, but contradicted himself so many times I thought I was going crazy. I can’t believe anything he says. For a minister to say ‘there is no right and wrong’, I did nothing wrong for I found my true self’, or ‘you never loved me’, after I devoted my entire life to him, is so hurtful. Thank god for my kids, who can look him in the eye and say – Dad, you threw Mom away like a piece of garbage, and we know what you did is wrong.

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Confrontation of his behavior only sent him into a spinning cycle of confession, lying, twisting details, and self-justification. He was not only lying to me and his kids, he was lying to the Chaplain-General himself, and all his colleagues, parading her around as his new partner when he was still with me. Fortunately, his boss compared notes with me. Yet, risking his reputation, career, and job did not make him change his behavior, either. He defied all of us. I took him back three times in an eleven-month period, only to have him confess that he had never broken it off but was leading a double life. He never stopped the behavior, was lying to the marriage counselor, and treating me as if it was my fault, and to ‘get over it’. The third time he phoned me to tell me he was leaving me again for her, I told him not to bother coming home (he was away on a business trip). He was shocked. (But brought her with him to pick up his stuff I packed in his car.) I filed for divorce after he changed the password on the bank accounts. He was shocked. Now his spin is, I kicked him out. No, I made him choose, and he didn’t like that. But I like that. At least I know where I stand, and that has given me such power and heart. It is truly his loss. What works best is standing firm in your own self-worth, and letting the other person know that you will no longer tolerate disrespect. I am worth a whole heart, not half a one.

After the Affair: Healing the Marriage

1. List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.

(we are just starting and he still knows nothing about this book or info) 1. The process has just started by my getting the book, and trying to gain the needed information, reading it, understanding the affair, and putting everything into perspective, trying to absorb all of the info and putting into practice the things that I learned and watching the results. 2. we took a vacation…. the op still tried to call his cell, but he ignored it…, but we just had fun and spent time…. “neutral” so to speak, just doing something different to see if we still enjoyed each others company or not…. We had a good time, part of it I would go ahead and go swimming by myself and shopping by myself, and just left him in the room. Or I did window shopping by myself so he could see that I didn’t have to be “attached” to him to have a good time… it helped me too… also, I stopped holding his hand instead I would just walk beside him. He started to reach out for me more often. I learned to not “expect” anything and to bite the sides of my mouth if I had to in order to be more control of what I really want to say… 3. my changed responses and reactions to his typical insults and rudeness did cause him to have to change his responses…. and actions. He doesn’t know that he is not the one in charge of the situation right now…. He still thinks that he is in control, but he is still so out of control and focus…. this does give me the strength I need to take care of myself and my daughter and to make a plan and decisions that I need… so as a couple we have a long way to go, but he has started to make future plans for “us”, like a 10 year commitment in a time share, a new security system that will take time to pay off, and up-grading our health insurance policies for better coverage… and talking about his possible upcoming promotion and the possibity that I may be able to work less and be home more… (which is one thing he really needs and that is for me to be home for him when he is off work.) Note * your information is right on…. while no one else seems to think that a marriage can be saved or worth it…. you and your information does offer another solution to choose from… thatnks… the things that I have tried do work… I still don’t know if it will work, but it is certainly worth a try…. I have already invested 16 years into this “relationship” and so why not try something new that might help… thanks for all you do.