Archives for December 2008

Infidelity, the Holidays and Transition

I wish all of you a blessed Holiday Season, regardless of your religious/spiritual stance, nationality, race or position in your life journey at this moment in time.

You are moving. You are transitioning. You are evolving. You are growing. You are moving into your future, our future, and it is good.

Yes, the Holiday Season is a time for me to reflect on the transition, the change, the movement of life.

You see, life moves us along and if we balk at the idea of accepting and embracing that goodness which awaits us, somehow, in some way, life increases our anxiety or pain and in doing that we KNOW, at that moment, we truly DO want something better.

Those who feel the pain of infidelity most acutely are those who, at some level, want something different, want something better. Yes, you pained friends, look beneath your pain to see your determination, your fire and your desire! I bet you find it! And, you almost can’t stand it because you don’t have it now… it seems so far away.

And, I am convinced that that something better is waiting…. for all of us.

It is soooo close friends.

If infidelity is in your mix right now, this Holiday Season, and it feels like a giant cloud hanging over your life, what would happen if you see that infidelity as a glitch that is convincing you, at all levels of your being, that you truly do want something else.

You want love. You want companionship. You want honesty. You want trust. You want to laugh. You want to cry good tears. You want to feel life for everything it is and not run from it. And you would hope that at some day those you value most around you would share that exhilarating journey with you.

Maybe not now. But this too shall pass. It always does, you know! Because there is always something rich, wonderful, beautiful, uplifting awaiting you. And a part of you knows that, doesn’t it?

For me the Christmas Season is a time of birth and possibilities. Life teaches us that something new is born each day and yes, there is a journey which issues moments of confusion, pain and fear, but always, and I mean ALWAYS on the edge of that pain, fear and confusion is new birth, new discoveries, new doors which open to peace, joy discovery, wonderment and yes, birth.

It’s very close. It’s in your next moment.

Well, I feel a little rambling here. Just wanted to drop you a note today and let you know that I’m thinking about you.

Peace…. Again, this too shall pass!

Recovery from the Affair: Dealing with Abuse

Recovery from the affair often means dealing with abuse. Strangely as it may see, the offending spouse often “turns the table” and blames the spouse for his/her behavior. This is common in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair.

Here are some questions I posed regarding this pattern and the responses:

1. What in the way of disrespect, blame, criticism and/or abuse are you facing?

2. What has worked best for you in stopping or tolerating less and less of these destructive behaviors?

Case Study #1:

I believe my wife would say our marriage made her do it, and a little of I can’t say no to him with some revenge motive too. I guess I get no respect from her. She gives all her emotional support to him, shows me no affection, wants both worlds, have her cake and eat it too.

I haven’t learned how to charge neutral! I would blow up at times when I would here her talking with him, or when someone would tell me they saw them together. I’m not sure that anything has worked best for me,

Case Study #2:

Every time I make a remark about his affair his excuse is”well we had problems in our relationship so he blame’s it on me more than anything (you should have done something about your kids behavior ,make changes ) See i have a Daughter living with me that’s not his. We are not married but been together for more than 6 years .

I tell him” blame me it’s easy for you that way so you don’t have to feel bad or i just say to him well we have to work both on our problems not just one of us .Most the time we talk and try to see each other’s point of view .

Case Study #3:

Knowing the pain it causes me, my husband continues to talk to ‘her’ despite requests not to. he blames me for why he has ‘nothing to give’ to our relationship anymore because I put work first for a couple of years. Also my harsh personality made him feel defeated and he just ‘gave up’. he also now is turning anything I say around and twisting it to mean something to feed his guilt.

I haven’t quite figured that out. Anything I say or do hasn’t worked. It seems if I do the ‘neutral charge’ it helps and not stepping over anything. just trying it. but now he’s still in that pointing fingers game and is also affair #7 so to get close is really hard.

Coping with Infidelity

Infidelity changes one’s life. New ways of coping and viewing self, others, family, marriage and the future emerge.

Here’s a question I posed:

1. List 3 or 4 meanings that your partner’s affair has for you. That is to say, what impact is the infidelity having upon YOU? For example, how has is changed what you think about? how you spend your time? how you think of yourself? etc? Tell a story or give examples of how your life is now different.

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an a ffair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy