Archives for December 2006

Infidelity Quickie #1: Feels Like the Agony of the Affair will Never End

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his live. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

  • Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
  • Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

  • This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
  • I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
  • There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those ?” to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
  • I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Infidelity Recovery and Marriage Makeover: What do You Expect?

Here’s a little exercise for you and your spouse to help you get on the same page.

Instructions

The objective is to narrow the list down to the top 5 characteristics you want to shoot for or see happen in your relationship now.

1. Print out 2 copies of the chart.

2. Each person scan through the 74 characteristics a couple times or more. Get a sense of how they differ. Note which ones tend to grab you or hold your attention. Remember, these characteristics describe an ideal relationship.

3. Each person go back over the list and place a check mark by each on the scale of 1-10. The #10 means that characteristic stands out or grabs you as someting vitally important and you want to shoot for that beginning now.

4. One person shares with the other the top 5. The person may make comments. However, make sure you NEVER refer to your partner or spouse as someone who must do that something for you to make something happen. Do not place any responsibility on the other. You are merely declaring what is vitally important for you now. The other person may ask questions, but they are for clarification only. The other is to listen and listen well with an underlying curiosity.

5. The other person shares the top 5 characteristics with the same rules and concerns applying.

6. If you begin to swirl, hit the wall or the communication breaks down, stop the process.

7. If the exercise generates positive give and take marked by a high degree of acceptance and curiosity, keep it going.

?
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
#10 =Yes, Yes, I want that now!
1
My alone time, privacy or need for “space” is accepted and it is available.
2
Being with my partner increases my happiness.
3
I tell my partner the truth about everything. I withhold nothing.
4
I understand my personal needs and how I want them met in our relationship.
5
I understand his/her personal needs and how he/she wants them met in our relationship.
6
I usually think before I respond to my partner. I do not react impulsively.
7
I am an open book. I can express my feelings and thoughts without fear or shame.
8
I am not criticized or put down in this relationship.
9
I am in this relationship because I choose to be, not because I feel like I must be.
10
I take extremely good care of myself; I don’t rely on my partner to take care of me.
11
This relationship is completely consistent with what I think is right and desirable.
12
I have addressed everything that matters to me with my partner. There is nothing “hanging.”
13
It is easy and comfortable to talk with my partner and we converse often.
14
We manage our finances well.
15
I know my partner’s triggers and refuse to push his/her buttons.
16
I state directly what is important. I don’t make my partner guess.
17
I support, encourage my partner to reach his/her goals.
18
I can accept the apology of my partner.
19
I understand my partner’s goals and support them.
20
I listen well. I don’t interrupt or jump in when my partner speaks.
21
I am aware of the “triggers” to which my partner tends to react in a negative way.
22
I have an vision for our life together that excites me.
23
If I don’t know what he/she wants or needs at a particular time, I ask.
24
I support and encourage the work relationships my partner needs to meet his/her goals.
25
We take turns inititating conversations. There is balance.
26
When we disagree, I listen carefully to my partner’s point of view.
27
I can bring up any topic with my partner, even if I think there will be a disagreement.
28
I know what is truly important to my partner.
29
I keep complaints to a minimum. I prefer to make requests.
30
I trust my partner as much or more than anyone else in my life.
31
I am conscious of intentionally meeting the personal needs of my partner.
32
I respect my partner and do not insult or speak sarcastically, especially when I am angry.
33
I know I can count on my partner’s commitment to our relationship, even in times are tough.
34
I know my partner is doing his/her best to insure the trust of our relationship.
35
When I make a mistake, I say so, and apologize for any negative consequences.
36
I contribute as much as I can to insure the success of our relationship.
37
I treat my partner as an adult, not as a child or parent.
38
We resolve problems quickly and easily and learn from them.
39
I derive satisfaction from seeing my partner succeed.
40
My partner connects with my “deepest self.”
41
There is a balance between being close and eaching having their own space.
42
We work together. Neither feels superior to the other.
43
My partner tends to bring out the best in me.
44
We have common interests that both enjoy.
45
I am grateful for the love and acceptance in this relationship.
46
I can completely forgive my partner.
47
There is a purpose or reason for us being together.
48
Silence between the two of us is something this is enjoyed and not feared.
49
I withhold judgement of my partner and focus on acceptance.
50
I feel personally empowered in our relationship.
51
We accept and respect the word “No” when it comes to sex.
52
I enjoy receiving pleasure from my partner and feel free to express that which pleases me.
53
I am generous with my partner.
54
I can focus on the joy of the present moment when we make love.
55
Our lovemaking is richly satisfying for me in both quality and quantity.
56
For me sex is a choice, not something that I must do.
57
I do not overpromise and later regret it.
58
My partner keeps his/her promises.
59
I keep my promises to my partner.
60
I accept my partner’s friendships.
61
We play well together.
62
I laugh at myself and we can tease each other with freedom.
63
I do not worry or get jealous.
64
I receive and give and kind of affection and touch that each of us need.
65
I feel surrounded by people who love me and care about me.
66
We parent well together.
67
We have acceptable relationships with all of our extended family.
68
We surround ourselves with other healthily functioning couples.
69
We have the male and female friends that each of us need and desire.
70
We contribute to our community.
71
We are perfect for each other right now and each are growing in the relationship.
72
We are committed to change, grow and evolve together. This excites us.
73
We have our ritual and traditions that give this relationship meaning and deepen our connection.
74
We give each other meaningful gifts.

Marriage Makeover After Infidelity: Why is it Hard to Talk?

Do you ever feel like there is a chasm between you and your spouse? There is a distance and it seems as if you live with a stranger.

There is tension. You feel it. It stabs you or it’s like an annoying background noise that won’t go away. You think through, measure and rehearse what you want to say and decide to say it – carefully – or withhold and it simmers. You are polite, but it drips with the taste of vinegar.

Or, the two of you attempt to raise the “issues” but hit a brick wall. Ka-thud! It goes nowhere. Defenses, explanations, vagueness, attacks subtle and not so subtle, rolling eyes or whatever send both crashing into the immoveable impasse.

Or, conversation sets off the swirl. The conversation and feelings slide down the slippery slope of predictable and familiar frustration and pain. Each knows what the other will say before it is said. The script, drama or melodrama is played out – again! Been there – done that!

Please understand that this happens in all relationships to one degree or another. None is immune. For those of you attempting to rebuild after infidelity, I need you to understand that where there is a relationship of mutual, intense emotional investment, the wall will emerge, tension prevail and the swirl will occur. You are not alone.

Let’s take a look at why this happens. Perhaps this will reinforce the fact that you are “normal” and give you the impetus to stick with it.

1. We lack adequate models for effective communication in a relationship of high emotional investment. Being in such a relationship is the most difficult task we are asked to accomplish in our life time. No one does it perfectly or close to that. (Some may appear to have a perfect, if not good, marriage, but be wary of perfection. It doesn’t exist.)

2. We are exposed to toxic relationships as a child. The pain, tension, confusion and fear is locked into our body and is difficult to heal and eradicate. We tend to replicate such relationships. (Maybe we are continually offered an opportunity to “get it right.”)

3. We talk and express ourselves tentatively and in generalities. Generalities leave room for mind reading on the part of your spouse and that can be extremely dangerous. Your spouse will filter your generalities to fit his/her preconceived ideas of who you are or who you should be for him/her.

4. We don’t take a stand. Instead we attempt to elicit from the other what he or she is thinking, feeling, wanting, needing etc. We go “fishing” for assurance, affirmation or information to make meet our needs or preconceived ideas. The spouse often resents the “intrusion” and at one level wonders, “What is he/she after?” As well, the fishing is often interpreted as a disguised form of criticism (I’m obviously not enough or doing enough for him/her.)

I’m working on the expectations we might have for a love relationship. More on that topic is coming…