Archives for December 2006

Infidelity Quickie #3: The “Surface Stroke” is Killing Me and My Trust

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

Trust has been broken and it will never be the same. I know that at some point he will earn my trust back but it will never be the same level. This whole experience has taught me to think about my needs, think of the ways that the relationship has been unfulfilling for me and asking for what I want. It helped me find out about boundaries and how to figure out which boundaries I needed to set up. I just defend my space more I guess. If I find out that he is having another affair, it would be easier for me to accept the truth and walk away, rebuild my life because I spent enough time on myself and figured out what I want and who and what my sources of support are. I am interested in learning more about identifying and breaking the barriers that keep us from making an authentic and lasting connection. I think at the bottom of all barriers there is FEAR. How do we get over the fear to reach out and connect? My husband says I always have bad timing for these conversations. I feel very much like I am an invisible wife when we are together. We are just polite to each other. “Moving on” for him is to bury the past. I think it’s easier for the offender to bury the past. I have to say, there was more passion and more sex between us when the affair was going on because we really talked all the time about our feelings. Once he stopped the relationship, he avoids talking about his feelings and if I want to have this kind of intimacy with him, the door is “shut”. Sex is very blah because I feel invisible. It’s almost as if every move he makes to get close to me ( a hug, a kiss ) is very tentative, not really coming from a place of intimacy but it is more like a surface stroke. Why is he being so tentative and blah? I know I have too many questions but I need your help.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

  • Determine the pattern, the impasse, the barrier that precludes more intimacy.
  • Identify the fearful part of me.
  • Get to the bottom of “bad timing.??
  • Explore in detail the kind of affair that you faced to help determine strategy.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

  • If the affair was “I don’t want to say no”” “I’m not sure I’m willing to live in a relationship where I struggle so much with being “invisible.?? I’m not sure when I will draw the line, but I’m almost certain it will be drawn, if I continue to feel the void.
  • If the affair was “I need to prove my desirability”” “It is difficult maintaining and building our intimacy, the way it seems. I struggle with that?? feeling ok about myself. I wonder if you do too?”
  • If the affair was “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy”” “Wow! This has been a roller coaster ride. We move close, we move away. We seem to be pulling away now. I suppose this serves some purpose?”
  • If the affair was “My marriage made me do it”” “OK, What the #%@# is going on here? There’s a part of me that wants to spit nails. I do NOT want to live this way. I’m royally #$% off at how this is going! And, I would think you might be #$#%# off too!”

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Romance is Overrated – Get Over It and Move Beyond It!

Almost daily I encounter those entangled in a kind of extramarital affair I describe as “I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love.”

The cheating or “offending” spouse has encountered someone where there are “sparks!”

Here are common phrases: (to the spouse) “I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you. The romance in our marriage is gone. I found someone who really loves me.” (self thoughts) “I don’t want to settle. I have a lot of love to give. He/she treats me like no one else. I feel special with the other person.”

The “offended spouse” often responds with increased or new romantic gestures. They fall flat.

At the core of this kind of affair is a deeply engrained belief that “romance” is the savior and benchmark of a great marriage or intimate relationship.

Here are some reflections on romance:

1. “Romance” is subtly touted in our culture (USA) as the ultimate experience in an intimate relationship.?Romance is idealized in movies and books as the ecstasy of being “in love.” We can’t get enough (hugely profitable grocery counter tabloids) of which “stars” are currently “in love” with whom. And, it often does not matter (really) if the are married. Oh gosh, to be like that, to experience that. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

2. Romantic movies are often called “romantic comedies.” Ever wonder why they are so funny or why they should be? Or, at the other end, romantic movies are tragedies (Romeo and Juliet). How about the smaltzie “Bridges of Madison County” where the woman and man (Clint Eastwood) never get at the huge “emptiness” in their lives? Ever see a “real” romantic movie?

3. The search for romance whether through an affair or within our marriage often belies powerful personal needs. It has little to do with love and more to do with getting our personal needs met. Most of us have strong needs such as?to be acknowledged, adored, cared for or perhaps cherished. Another powerful need is to feel “special.” This is often the pattern for a man overindulged by his mother (forgive me for bringing in Freud) or a woman who was the “apple of her father’s eye,” yet was emotionally deprived in that relationship.

Romance becomes the vehicle through which these needs are supposedly met without needing to name those needs or talk about them. (Gosh, he/she knows what I want before I do – he/she can read my mind. He/she/we are special!)

Don’t get me wrong. Personal needs are ok. We all have them. Personal needs drive, often powerfully, what we go after. But, and this is a huge but, if we do not consciously name them and get them met once and for all (and that can be done!) they continue to drive us and we live perpetually in frustration, always wanting more.

Once we move beyond the merry-go-round of personal need meeting we discover our personal passion, our purpose and reach down and touch the essence of real joy and peace.

4. Romance is for mating. Sex (sexual union) is often the bottom line. The “chemistry” described in “romantic love” we are finding, is truly that – raw chemistry. Studies now show (just read this last week) that those “in love” have a high concentration of specific dorphins (chemicals) in their bodies. These are the chemicals found when animals are in “heat.”

I also believe that we run into 2-3 people in our life-time?where we experience this “chemistry.” I have no idea why this happens. There appears to be some attraction, based on a huge number of factors that stir our juices – literally. Interesting. But, doesn’t mean that I must jump into bed with this person. Maybe some animals do, however.

5. A person seeking romance is?often someone?looking for a high. They want? to feel good. They expect they should feel good. They believe they should jump on something that feels good. They want the pill, the drug, the retreat, the experience that will take away their pain, their emptiness, their loneliness and make them feel good. Of course, it is only temporary. The nagging pain continually emerges and their eternal search for quelling the storm within seeks a new substance.

So, should I forget the cards, the notes, the special events I plan secretly for him/her, the I love yous and be cold, frigid and distant?

Of course not. Please understand the temporary place of “romance” and the fact that your relationship longs for moments, days, weeks and years in which you declare your self more and more fully and welcome (sometimes with trepidation) the declarations of the other and together explore the depths of acceptance and heightened awareness (love) that moves beyond romance and knows no end.

Infidelity Quickie #2: Hanging on to the Silver Lining in Infidelity

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach:

  • Continue to work on self improvement goals.
  • Journal or reflect on your internal dialogue. Be aware of the part that has negative thoughts. Try to understand the intent of this part and what this part wants for you.
  • Continue building your support system (family, friends).
  • Allow yourself to grieve the loss.

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

  • This seems so sudden. I hope you know what you are doing.
  • Looks like you might be buying yourself a bucket of responsibility and perhaps trouble.
  • I wonder some days why you need to hide (the truth).

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.